I'm a fucking coward

[TVtrays]

I've been on this site for years, not posting frequently, I've been here. I fucking hate that I exist and I fucking hate that I can never gather the courage to ctb. I'm in a situation I can't escape. It's hell. I can't do SN because of my vomit phobia, ironically, I'd sooner put a bullet in my head from a firearm I have no way to obtain than let myself vomit, which apparently still happens with antiemetics. The nausea itself would ensure a terrifying death for me for sure. Survival instinct kicks in for every other viable method available to me. If only I had a gun, this would be fucking over with. Don't give me your fucking horseshit about how SI means you're not ready. This is the only constant in my fucking life, yet I lack the fucking backbone to go through with it.

 

[Worndown]

You are not a coward. You may want to leave but the time must not be right. If that day comes, you will find the inner strength to overcome.

 

[Source Energy]

So am I. Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around for so long. But believe me, it comes a time when the fear dissipates.
Maybe SN is not your method. Maybe you should look into taking something else. Or maybe you are not there yet and that's ok, dear soul.
SI is the coward, not you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it can be so awful when you wish to leave, yet feel so trapped here. Existing in this cruel world certainly is hell, and as humans we deserve an instant and painless way to finally be free from all the suffering. I hate how difficult it can be to die.

 

[Mimi_]

I am sorry you can't escape this life of suffer. But I am pretty sure it is possible to overcome SI to a certain degree.