Venting I'm a failure and I should have killed myself last year

[Praestat_Mori]

I failed in life, I'm a failure, I can't get out of the hole, it's hopeless, nothing moves forward and nothing changes. I should have killed myself last year when I was very suicidal but I didn't do it and somehow hope and all that was in the way. Probably I just let the best chances to kms go by. My situation that makes me suicidal hasn't changed but also didn't get worse. Perhaps that's the reason why I'm much less suicidal in recent weeks. It's even hard to think about an actual attempt. It'd be so much better if I was gone bc things won't get better anyway and now I'm not even suicidal enough. That doesn't make sense.

My life is nothing else but rotting at home with no perspective for the future.

 

[Olisop21.]

I hear you. I should have ctb years ago. All I want to do is hide. I'm trying to convince myself I'm going to die anyway just need to do it now and get it over with. All I want to do is lay on the couch or go to bed. I've created my own misery.

 

[shingstars]

I totally agree! I've been trying for 3 years now, but every time it goes wrong because I do a half ass job. I kinda just learned to be patient and wait for the "best moment" to ctb.

 

[Olisop21.]

I feel empty, hollow and numb all the time. I want to not exist. It seems so simple, why can't I just do myself in?

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are in such pain. Once you decide to ctb and you somehow lose that ctb drive but your circumstances hasn't changed either,....I know that terrifying place all too well.
I hope you find your peace soon

 

[Unattainable666]

Selfishly I'm glad you were here I understand your pain and have enjoyed talking with you. If I could take away your pain I would

 

[BrainShower]

I understand the hole, I am very busy digging it currently. And I still think, most days, that if I just dig hard enough I can dig out, but I always end up deeper. Every time.
Once the trap is set, I wonder if anyone with no resources like me (read, relatives or friends w/ money) ever escapes.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Same. There is no extricating myself from this pit.

 

[Olisop21.]

I just want to CTB, desperately.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I understand the hole, I am very busy digging it currently. And I still think, most days, that if I just dig hard enough I can dig out, but I always end up deeper. Every time.
Once the trap is set, I wonder if anyone with no resources like me (read, relatives or friends w/ money) ever escapes.

So well said. I am deeper, every time I try to dig out.

Same - no resources. My dad ended up alone at the end of his life and i hate that he gave me this genetic curse of autism

 

[DeletedUser]

I wish I had done it earlier too. Now it will only hurt my family more. The feeling of rot is dreadful.