Venting i'm a failed romantic

[lamargue]

when i was in highschool i had a very romantic view of sex and relationships in general. even if my mind at that point had been saturated with pornography, i still held to the idea that love was a worthy pursuit, that sexual relationships was more than token gratification. in novels that i've read its especially clear that there is more to it than bland eroticism. i sometimes wish i could be aromantic. it feels to me quite sickening to ever combine the saturated representation of sex as seen in pornography and the romantic view. at times i will cling to some vain notion that it's my own apathy which has lead to me never having a girlfriend. but perhaps that's just another lie i tell myself. i feel as if there is another side to life which i haven't explored; that there is something of fundamental importance in sex which may save me yet. i don't really know. nowadays my sexual desires have become warped and conflated with romanticism, being fantasies rather than hopes.

i don't think i can communicate this very well. i've always been terrible at expressing things that truly matter to me, as when i am unable to convince my parents that i need help, as terms like suicide get stuck in my throat, and i begin to doubt my own motives. i had thought about going into a clinic, but my parents convinced me otherwise. it isn't practical, and there are other ways of getting treatment which don't intervene on my future. anyway, that's unrelated.

i think it's the possibility that i will be ignorant to what the world has to offer that scares me the most. i don't want to die alone, but that seems to be the only course of action. i wonder if pornography has ruined everything.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I don't think so. You sound very young. Doesn't sound like life is ruined in any way yet.

 

[lamargue]

I don't think so. You sound very young. Doesn't sound like life is ruined in any way yet.

life never begun for me. i can't rationalize anything positive in my future

 

[Cress]

Well if it makes you feel any better the environment for Actually getting a romantic partner Is difficult to Navigate with How the Internet is affecting society. With that said I don't recommend dating sites or social media as it's in numbers game you're unlikely to win. If you're still in school joining clubs and getting hobbies with like minded individuals is the most probable way you'll run into a romantic partner that you're compatible with.

If you're not in school and only have the Internet to rely on it's more difficult but not impossible. I heard of a guy that was able to get a significant partner by signing up to Facebook clubs that he had common interests and hobbies.

 

[Worndown]

Context is important.
Porn gives visual stimulation.
Love comes from deep within. The sex can follow if the relationship goes that way.
If it does, leave the vision of porn outside the room and enjoy the person you are with.

 

[lamargue]

Well if it makes you feel any better the environment for Actually getting a romantic partner Is difficult to Navigate with How the Internet is affecting society. With that said I don't recommend dating sites or social media as it's in numbers game you're unlikely to win. If you're still in school joining clubs and getting hobbies with like minded individuals is the most probable way you'll run into a romantic partner that you're compatible with.

If you're not in school and only have the Internet to rely on it's more difficult but not impossible. I heard of a guy that was able to get a significant partner by signing up to Facebook clubs that he had common interests and hobbies.

i have no interests or hobbies i share with other people. they exist in far off microcosms of the internet which are inaccessible to me.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Context is important.
Porn gives visual stimulation.
Love comes from deep within. The sex can follow if the relationship goes that way.
If it does, leave the vision of porn outside the room and enjoy the person you are with.

Porn is a fantasy. I don't like 99 percent of it. Mostly don't care to see others having sex. Have known it to ruin relationships if it's taken too seriously or someone more interested in the porn than their actual partner.

 

[lamargue]

Porn is a fantasy. I don't like 99 percent of it. Mostly don't care to see others having sex. Have known it to ruin relationships if it's taken too seriously or someone more interested in the porn than their actual partner.

i just want the kind of relationship described in novels. porn has saturated my mind, as well as a lot of redpill sentiments shared by people i know.

 

[KillingPain267]

Your post sounds so relatable! I was thinking as a 16 year old already that I was ready for true love and not just sex. I had the exact same thoughts, except I eventually did find a relationship and marriage. It lasted for 8 years and it WAS romantic. BUT... then my spouse left. The whole experience was not worth it because the pain of losing it is not worth it. Before I had hope enough to take action and pursue the search for a partner. Now... I am done, can't imagine trusting and being with another person, and it's the reason why I'm here (among other reasons).

 

[derpyderpins]

when i was in highschool i had a very romantic view of sex and relationships in general. even if my mind at that point had been saturated with pornography, i still held to the idea that love was a worthy pursuit, that sexual relationships was more than token gratification. in novels that i've read its especially clear that there is more to it than bland eroticism. i sometimes wish i could be aromantic. it feels to me quite sickening to ever combine the saturated representation of sex as seen in pornography and the romantic view. at times i will cling to some vain notion that it's my own apathy which has lead to me never having a girlfriend. but perhaps that's just another lie i tell myself. i feel as if there is another side to life which i haven't explored; that there is something of fundamental importance in sex which may save me yet. i don't really know. nowadays my sexual desires have become warped and conflated with romanticism, being fantasies rather than hopes.

i don't think i can communicate this very well. i've always been terrible at expressing things that truly matter to me, as when i am unable to convince my parents that i need help, as terms like suicide get stuck in my throat, and i begin to doubt my own motives. i had thought about going into a clinic, but my parents convinced me otherwise. it isn't practical, and there are other ways of getting treatment which don't intervene on my future. anyway, that's unrelated.

i think it's the possibility that i will be ignorant to what the world has to offer that scares me the most. i don't want to die alone, but that seems to be the only course of action. i wonder if pornography has ruined everything.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of limerence lately, the fixation and idealization of someone as a potential partner. I've fallen into that trap a lot throughout the years. The weird thing is now that I'm in a great relationship, I craving those intense pangs of longing.

The view you're describing is right along those lines. We can get this image in our head of what might provide what we're looking for in this life, and some ideal partner who excites us and gives us thrill and mystery and passion all rolled up into one without any downsides or flaws. I think it's a reflection of our emptiness, that we reach for the most powerful available feelings to plug the gap.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Probably the hardest thing to accomplish in life is the ideal romantic relationship. You could be a mega-billionaire and never find true love. You would find a lot of potential spouses willing to marry for money however.

 

[SoDone]

Also young and also feel like I won't find someone after being in love with somebody (it was complicated). It feels like a hole in the chest. I had to take a break from reading romance novels because it was making me feel worse about it. Maybe try to focus on other pursuits?

I'm afraid that the love in novels can't really be forced and dating apps seem to be for people who only want hookups. It's kinda brutal out there for people who want something serious and are romantics but I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[lamargue]

Probably the hardest thing to accomplish in life is the ideal romantic relationship. You could be a mega-billionaire and never find true love. You would find a lot of potential spouses willing to marry for money however.

the idea of soulmates never ceases to depress me. if your soulmate exists, then they are someone who you will probably never find. so you settle for something else, which may in turn lead to something possibly inauthentic

 

[Linda]

i just want the kind of relationship described in novels. porn has saturated my mind, as well as a lot of redpill sentiments shared by people i know.

My own view is that sex is for doing, not for watching. Never saw any point in watching other people have sex.
Novels aren't a particularly good guide to relationships either. They're usually not very realistic.
I think your best way forward is to forget about the internet and novels, and get out into the real world and meet people. How best to do that will depend on your circumstances, but hanging out where lots of other people of your age hang out is the most obvious possibility. Another option is to join some group that is involved with something that interests you, and meet people that way. It doesn't matter very much what that something is.
I met the man who is now my husband at a disco. It was basically a place for picking people up. It served that purpose very well.
Don't expect that every girl you meet will turn into a lifelong partner. It doesn't work that way. But if you like a girl, and get to know her a bit, then take it from there.
Don't be afraid to use sex as part of the getting-to-know-someone process. But, also, don't expect that a girl you have sex with will become the love of your life. Life isn't so tidy. I've had everything from one night stands to over 40 years with my present husband, and just about everything in-between those extremes before I met him. Finding the right person is often a matter of trial and error. (In my case, a lot of trial and a lot of error.)