currently about to cry myself to sleep. im laying next to a person who barely wants me. or wants me at all. i keep trying to hold on to them & force things because im lonely & i love them. i let ppl treat me like shit just because i want someone around. im ok when im alone but i still sometimes just want a person. i just want love sometimes. i use sex sometimes to cope. thats the only thing guys want from me so i give it up until they're tired of that too. im fucking miserable. a miserable stupid girl. i have many reasons to wanna ctb but yet i try holding on & for what? if i dont ctb this year im going to just continue rotting slowly. ik i might regret posting this later knowing i cant delete it. i regret damn near everything in life. because im so stupid. im just typing at this point because once again, im just lonely. im going to die alone.
Ctb is hard, I don't think you're a coward for not being able to go through with it. People are hard wired to try and survive. I remember watching a documentary about this Belgian girl who had access to proper medical assistance with ctb and she still didn't get it on the first go (she changed her mind the first time).
And sometimes internet anonymity is great. Feel free to unburden yourself, you'll have a reader while I'm around anyways. I hope you find some way to stop feeling so terrible (either with ctb or recovery).
And sometimes internet anonymity is great. Feel free to unburden yourself, you'll have a reader while I'm around anyways. I hope you find some way to stop feeling so terrible (either with ctb or recovery).
Don't be so hard on yourself. Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through and wish things were different for you somehow. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace & serenity.
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