This is not a post in which I tried to farm sympathies, just a follow up of how it went.
I tried to kms around august; at that time I was totally serious and risk taking; I touched supposedly lethal electric wires which turned out to be harmless.
I decided to kms last week and posted pic below in memes.
It was hard to manage to kms inside as I'm quite tall, however lanky along with other markers of inferior genes. I managed to set up the setup below.
I had a nose around my neck at some point at every day last week to yesterday, 26th. I had a near death experience yesterday when I fell down the thing with the rope around my neck by mistake with my feet next to it and not on the other side as the door. My feet just barely touched the floor. I would just have held my breath and waited to lose consciousness had I planned it for even seconds. I noted that I could use my arms but not my legs and managed to open the door and pull down the rope. I did not act rationally but due to pure primal survival instincts as my head was berated of oxygen. I still have a weak mark around my neck where the rope was. It was the second accidental near death experience I had with a rope around my neck.
I was a victim of suicide paralysis. I always thought that I would jump during the day but it was as if my T level dropped when the rope was around my neck; my body kept saying just a minute more despite all I could do was think thought that would lack all importance with relation to the world.
I am a weak shameful being with no justification to live. I have a great survival guilt only surpassed by that which I had in August and September which kept me from eating for days.
I have defeated all my justification; I tied my honor and paying of debt to kms and being able to do so which would be fitting as I have been wishing death upon billions of people, some more than others. I have wished death upon myself too without killing anyone which may balance it out but I have seen it as me carrying the weight of my severe thoughts.
To say I should not be alive is an understatement as death is what I have wished for. I have shame and no future; I have become a failure.
While I'm totally suicidal all day only to become victim of suicide paralysis when the time for the final jump is near, there is a vicious cycle of becoming happier when deciding to kms only to want to live a bit longer due to be happy. I'm not depressed and I don't have intrusive suicidal thoughts but I should be incurably depressed to finally rope and bring some mending to the great failure of dishonor I view as placed upon myself by my weakness. I've always though; don't think when your thoughts will not come to fruition, just jump to your death but my mind fails to obey it's own command. Evolution keeps me alive against my spoken wishes for I have when alone said that I should die by my own hand as a response to its inaction; evolution doesn't favour the best and the best have left us like I so far have not.
I have only a small sum of money at my hands and my parents will visit me over the holidays this week. They will ask about my plans and prospects of which I can only shamefully confess to lack. I deleted the scheduled suicide posts I made on facebook today. I don't have internet where I live and have to leave my home to use the internet which I don't do every day.
I still plan to end by the rope this year. It would however had been fitting if it was done before the holiday to commemorate the dead.
To wish death upon me is a compliment.
I tried to kms around august; at that time I was totally serious and risk taking; I touched supposedly lethal electric wires which turned out to be harmless.
I decided to kms last week and posted pic below in memes.
It was hard to manage to kms inside as I'm quite tall, however lanky along with other markers of inferior genes. I managed to set up the setup below.
I had a nose around my neck at some point at every day last week to yesterday, 26th. I had a near death experience yesterday when I fell down the thing with the rope around my neck by mistake with my feet next to it and not on the other side as the door. My feet just barely touched the floor. I would just have held my breath and waited to lose consciousness had I planned it for even seconds. I noted that I could use my arms but not my legs and managed to open the door and pull down the rope. I did not act rationally but due to pure primal survival instincts as my head was berated of oxygen. I still have a weak mark around my neck where the rope was. It was the second accidental near death experience I had with a rope around my neck.
I was a victim of suicide paralysis. I always thought that I would jump during the day but it was as if my T level dropped when the rope was around my neck; my body kept saying just a minute more despite all I could do was think thought that would lack all importance with relation to the world.
I am a weak shameful being with no justification to live. I have a great survival guilt only surpassed by that which I had in August and September which kept me from eating for days.
I have defeated all my justification; I tied my honor and paying of debt to kms and being able to do so which would be fitting as I have been wishing death upon billions of people, some more than others. I have wished death upon myself too without killing anyone which may balance it out but I have seen it as me carrying the weight of my severe thoughts.
To say I should not be alive is an understatement as death is what I have wished for. I have shame and no future; I have become a failure.
While I'm totally suicidal all day only to become victim of suicide paralysis when the time for the final jump is near, there is a vicious cycle of becoming happier when deciding to kms only to want to live a bit longer due to be happy. I'm not depressed and I don't have intrusive suicidal thoughts but I should be incurably depressed to finally rope and bring some mending to the great failure of dishonor I view as placed upon myself by my weakness. I've always though; don't think when your thoughts will not come to fruition, just jump to your death but my mind fails to obey it's own command. Evolution keeps me alive against my spoken wishes for I have when alone said that I should die by my own hand as a response to its inaction; evolution doesn't favour the best and the best have left us like I so far have not.
I have only a small sum of money at my hands and my parents will visit me over the holidays this week. They will ask about my plans and prospects of which I can only shamefully confess to lack. I deleted the scheduled suicide posts I made on facebook today. I don't have internet where I live and have to leave my home to use the internet which I don't do every day.
I still plan to end by the rope this year. It would however had been fitting if it was done before the holiday to commemorate the dead.
To wish death upon me is a compliment.
