Im a complete coward

[Msvr]

I've had a cylinder on N2 for a couple years, yet I just can't end it. Every once in a while I do a sort of rehersal of what I'll someday get the courage to do. As I type this I'm sitting in my lounge chair with a couple bands around my chest and waist in the off chance I were to flail. The tank is next to me, also strapped to my desk to make sure it doesnt fall over. Putting the bag on feels strangely comfortable, I've always been anti-claustrophobic. I mean really, I can't for the life of me (edit : just proof read, no pun intended figure out why I dont just send my delayed text message, turn the tank on and take a couple breaths. I wouldn't know or feel a thing.

 

[gasforme]

I have it right next to my bed and I have so much fear of it going haywire and I still exist but in an altered state.

Everyday I tell myself it will just take a couple minutes.

 

[Msvr]

Well, still useless. Recently I downloaded a couple tv shows about NDEs but havent watched them. I'm going to give them a try

 

[kufajoy]

Taking bezno before using it might help

 

[blueskies3]

It goes against one of our strongest instincts which is to stay alive or to keep going for no purpose other than existing. Whether you choose to live or die, I think both are courageous.

 

[hell toupee]

I've had a cylinder on N2 for a couple years, yet I just can't end it. Every once in a while I do a sort of rehersal of what I'll someday get the courage to do. As I type this I'm sitting in my lounge chair with a couple bands around my chest and waist in the off chance I were to flail. The tank is next to me, also strapped to my desk to make sure it doesnt fall over. Putting the bag on feels strangely comfortable, I've always been anti-claustrophobic. I mean really, I can't for the life of me (edit : just proof read, no pun intended figure out why I dont just send my delayed text message, turn the tank on and take a couple breaths. I wouldn't know or feel a thing.

Are you scared of the actual process, of failing, or of what might come afterwards?

You are by no means a coward - it's an intense decision.

Me personally, I'm mostly scared of failing. Even just entertaining the thought of failure drives my anxiety through the roof. My worst nightmare is I lose consciousness from my method, and the next thing I know I'm opening my eyes in a hospital bed wondering where the hell I am and what happened. Nobody in my family has the slightest clue that I plan to join my wife on the other side. It will be an absolute shock because for all intents and purposes everything appears normal with me from the outside. They should have some idea though, within a 6 month span I found my wife hanging in our bedroom - no note, no warning signs, no arguments, nothing. I had just became disabled, got put in a wheelchair and lost about 90% use of my hands, lost my business, my income, everything. And I didn't have a single soul in the world I could call for help. I couldn't even get down the steps, in to the shower, on to the toilet, even open a water bottle (fingers are useless). My only family was my elderly mother, who I had to move in with after checking myself in to the hospital (didn't know what else to do).

I just can't fail, and the thought scares me which makes me hesitant to commit. But I'm getting backed in to a corner as I've neglected all kinds of things knowing I'd be gone, but now they are catching up to me.

 

[soul2realm]

It was so hard to try the first time, it took nearly four hours sitting in that chair trying to gain strength to pull the exit bag over my face and when I finally did it, even after 12 seconds nothing happened. I removed it and just been hoping to try again. Why am I not able to? I mean it's right there in my bedroom staring at me. How you do it the second and praying to be the final time?