Venting I’m a bystander to my own bad decisions

[(ノ_＜)]

I relapsed tonight. I don't know what started the thought process but one thing led to another and knife met skin. I don't understand why I rely on this habit when I'm disgusted by it every time I fall victim to it, in all reality it's not much worse than my smoking habit and yet I'm always coming back to it. I've considered doing drastically worse tonight but I've managed to will myself out of it. I'm so fucking tired of this loop, it's only gotten worse as of recently. I've been getting home only to start throwing up what little food I have in my stomach and then sleeping. I've almost stopped eating until the hunger gets so bad I'm cramping, and even when that happens I usually just go back to sleep. Even when I'm not tired I often find myself sleeping to prevent myself from falling into worse self harm habits but in all reality it's ruined me more than habits like that ever could. Day by day I'm watching myself fall apart more and more and it's gotten to a point where all I can do is watch as it happens.

 

[Zura]

It kinda becomes like a cycle it really sucks what you have to go through
I think maybe trying to distract yourself and try to get into different habits to replace them can help tho easier said than done
Does learning how to play a new instrument catch your interest?or maybe trying to get into chess or maybe a sport
I think trying to replace your time with something you might enjoy doing can maybe help also sleeping is nice indeed but our body can only sleep so much as for me I can only sleep at night and if I do sleep at day time I will have trouble falling asleep at night but I guess it is different for different individuals

 

[MicahBell]

Progress isn't always linear. Don't beat yourself up for not getting better all at once. Every time you do relapse you still were clean for a while. And hopefully, even if you relapse again, you'll be clean for a little longer than last time. Progress can be slow but being clean ever is an accomplishment nonetheless, and don't mistake it, cause you ARE making progress. Wishing you all the best.