Venting I'm a bad person

[ironrain]

I'm often jealous, especially of other women because I'm mid, probably autistic, have social anxiety, awkward and homeless people that eat garbage have better fashion sense than me. I'm lazy. I hate responsibility. I'm stupid.

Today I bought some useless junk food even though I'm a student and now I know my sister is disappointed with me because I waste my money on useless stuff. I never learn on my mistakes. I'm disgusting and unlikeable, people who hypothetically like me are dumb. I've been lying to my parents for 4 years that I'm doing ok in uni but in reality I've been skipping classes and sitting at home drawing or listening to music or watching YouTube instead of studying. The thing is that they pay for me. Like, pay for my degree.

Pay for a nice apartment I don't deserve. I don't deserve my family. I'm so selfish I don't want to call my mom or my dad. My grandpa recently passed away and i didn't cry, when i heard it i felt nothing and I realize just what an ungrateful person I am. I'm garbage. I want to CTB but I'm doubting it. I'm so fucking spineless that even to CTB I need someone to take my hand like I'm in kindergarten because I'm scared ugh I hate myself

Also sometimes I wonder if I'm a fascist. I once unironically thought that my art is similar to mustache guy's. I mean it's soulless. But generally I just wonder if I'm a fascist because I set such high standards for myself and feel pity for ordinary people that are probably happier than me because they're not ideals. It doesn't always happen but sometimes it does. But I tend to believe I'm rather an idiot than a fascist.

 

[Charmander07]

From everything you've said there, obviously I don't know you but you don't sound like a bad person at all. You seem like you're just really going thru it rn and tbh I'm going thru some stuff rn which is making me do 'bad' things. But skipping uni and all that stuff doesn't make you bad, and I'm sure you're a likeable person. Feel free to give me a DM I don't exactly know how it works here but you sound like you need someone to speak to

 

[AuraByte]

You're not a bad person, OP. You're just in pain.

 

[NameOfAction]

As someone who at some point thought they were the Antichrist, you're not a fascist. You're just so depressed that you associate yourself with the worst thing you can imagine and internalize it to the point of near delusion.

Idk, pills, actually talking to real people and going outside even if it hurts are the things you've already heard and, coincidentally, the ones that kinda sorta maybe help sometimes.