Venting im a bad actor

[ctb★prince]

im so close to randomly starting to pretend that im normal and that i love my family, i just want to be seen as human by them, i want them to love me too, i want to do movie nights together, i want to go visit places, i want to have fun with my parents like my brother does, but they hate me for being trans, for being autistic, for not being christian, they hate me for things i have no control over, i want to change to fit them, but at the same time im way too aware of that theyre the problem, theyre gaslighting me so hard into thinking its the other way around and theres this weird voice inside of me that says theyre right, and if i was just a little bit more stupid maybe id give in and believe that, i want to not know things, i want to be blissfully unaware, i want to be ignorant, is there a drug that makes you stupid? a form of meditation? will it work if i keep hitting my head on the walls? i cant keep my act up, i dont even know how to pretend showing affection, i just want to be me, i need to loose myself in order to be happy, i cant go, i need to stay, i cant be broken, why wont they ever listen, why wont they care, i dont know what to do, is there any way?

 

[liljeep]

I have no advice, but I feel similarly. I hate my family to death but yearn to have a semblance of a normal relationship with any of them. Most of them judge me for being autistic too, lesbian, very unstable, a drug user (forced into sobriety for over a year now).... and just awkward. I am relatively cold towards them. I only speak when spoken to, for the most part. I can't play the role of sweet niece, inspiring half-sister, or cheery (grand)daughter. I am depressed and resentful.

 

[ctb★prince]

an entire year!!! despite what i said in my post im really happy for you!!! i truly wish there was a safer and ideally a more sufficient way to feel at ease, i hate the side effects of what we currently have at our disposal, also im mostly nonverbal around people too, highfive

 

[Aisley]

One thing I do to pass is see the humour in absolutely everything. A laugh that comes out quick and natural tickles everyone's spine and they relax around you and accept everything else if you laugh often. There are a few that try and manipulate (nothing crazy, just morons at work) and the attempts are so fifth grade that I find it hilarious in the moment. I don't know if this is useful to you, I hope you get away from these people soon, before you actually get good at repressing your Self.

 

[MrDarkness]

Sometimes in life you can't be accepted no matter what, their are dozens of people who will accept you, sometimes it's okay to give up on trying to make people happy

 

[ctb★prince]

One thing I do to pass is see the humour in absolutely everything. A laugh that comes out quick and natural tickles everyone's spine and they relax around you and accept everything else if you laugh often. There are a few that try and manipulate (nothing crazy, just morons at work) and the attempts are so fifth grade that I find it hilarious in the moment. I don't know if this is useful to you, I hope you get away from these people soon, before you actually get good at repressing your Self.

ive long stopped trying to fight it with humour, especially because whats funny to people around me is just cruel, like laughing at women, people of color, and very often people like me, i wish they would expand their worldviews because i do enjoy joking around, and maybe its not exactly useful to me, but knowing it helps you like this makes me extremely happy

Sometimes in life you can't be accepted no matter what, their are dozens of people who will accept you, sometimes it's okay to give up on trying to make people happy

oh i wish i could just move out and live with someone else, i think that im able to fit in in most spaces, and there are people who genuinely do like me, but there will always be a part of me that wishes to be loved by a family, maybe one day ill be able to finally find someone who will give me the care ive never gotten, but for now my parents are the closest i have to parental figures, so no matter how bad it gets the child in me just wants to go to where it came from