Venting I'm 100% Certain I Will Commit Suicide But I'm Still Capable Of Enjoying Life

[RedPanda]

As the title says, i'm even going on holiday and i'm going to enjoy myself before my time comes (next year December).

I'm actually amazed that i'm still capable of functioning to the point of enjoying life but i'm still 100% certain that i'm going to end my life, it's really odd. It's essentially a bitter sweet feeling. I know that i'm going to kill myself so i'm just making the most out of the time that I've allocated for myself.

Can anyone relate to this? You can enjoy life but you still want to die?

 

[Kowahi2310]

Perhaps you don't wish to die, but just indifferent to living.

 

[RedPanda]

Perhaps you don't wish to die, but just indifferent to living.

No i'm very certain i want to die, and I've been battling with these feelings for years. I just made it my duty to end my life next year. Don't want to be around anymore.

 

[puppy9]

As the title says, i'm even going on holiday and i'm going to enjoy myself before my time comes (next year December).

I'm actually amazed that i'm still capable of functioning to the point of enjoying life but i'm still 100% certain that i'm going to end my life, it's really odd. It's essentially a bitter sweet feeling. I know that i'm going to kill myself so i'm just making the most out of the time that I've allocated for myself.

Can anyone relate to this? You can enjoy life but you still want to die?

Dude bring me along for your holiday.

 

[RedPanda]

Dude bring me along for your holiday.

If you're capable of fitting into carry-on luggage, sure :)

 

[Elias]

I can relate, I'm definitely still able to enjoy certain aspects of my life, like spending times with my friends, making a good cappuccino, cooking something nice, spending evenings having fun, but I'm also overwhelmed when I can't keep my own issues and demons at bay. Which makes it very frustrating, because I can picture what I would do if I "recover", but I just don't have the resources or the willpower to get around my deepest fear. I want to give it a try, to recover and accept help as much as I can, but this pales in comparison to the permanence of just dying and getting over every issues at once, definitely. But yeah, I also think my experience of life isn't at fault here, it's how I perceive this fucked up world and the pile of trauma I carry through the years.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't get it. If you can still enjoy life why would you want to die?

 

[Elias]

I don't get it. If you can still enjoy life why would you want to die?

Because the moments when you enjoy life are fleeting and temporary? You still have these outburst of enjoyment, and under the right circumstances you can actually appreciate things like traveling, having dinner with friends and choosing the bottle of wine you'll bring that'll make them smile, etc, but once this is over, once you get alone in your appartment and get lost into your own thoughts, you start remembering why exactly you are subscribed to a suicide website, and how you felt long before joining it. At least, this is my own experience. Pleasure in life doesn't offset and counterbalance the pain of being me, with my load of issues. I'd say they run parallel, and one is starting to get overwhelming enough to mask the other most of the time.

 

[RedPanda]

I don't get it. If you can still enjoy life why would you want to die?

My brain is fucked and I've been feeling like this for ages. What Elias mentions above sums up a lot of my emotions.

 

[Mr2005]

My brain is fucked and I've been feeling like this for ages. What Elias mentions above sums up a lot of my emotions.

Would you say it isn't rational then? If so I think you can be helped

 

[RedPanda]

Would you say it isn't rational then? If so I think you can be helped

I don't want help to be completely honest. I'm a lost cause. I just want to enjoy my last moments on this earth and leave.

 

[Ark]

I used to enjoy so many things. It was all taken from me on every level. It crushes my soul to think about it.

If you are still able to enjoy life, then I would say take advantage of that every second you can.

I am sitting here crying because I would give anything to have enjoyment in my life. Do not under value that. Life is fleeting as it is, if you are lucky enough to be able to enjoy life take full advantage of it. Some of us are not so lucky.

 

[RedPanda]

I used to enjoy so many things. It was all taken from me on every level. It crushes my soul to think about it.

If you are still able to enjoy life, then I would say take advantage of that every second you can.

I am sitting here crying because I would give anything to have enjoyment in my life. Do not under value that. Life is fleeting as it is, if you are lucky enough to be able to enjoy life take full advantage of it. Some of us are not so lucky.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Your comment is pure and genuine and really makes you think about your mortality.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't want help to be completely honest. I'm a lost cause. I just want to enjoy my last moments on this earth and leave.

I understand and respect that.

 

[NickStanfield]

There were so many things I used to love. I was full of passion and joy but life has just ground that out of me. The things I found joy in have either just lost their passion or I've had something crush it out of me. I just want to sleep... Or CTB out of here...

 

[DoNotLet2]

relatable

 

[Fractured]

I was just thinking about this today. Very serendipitous of a post.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I don't get it. If you can still enjoy life why would you want to die?

Perhaps you need to post this elsewhere? My interpretation of your post (I might be wrong) sounds judgmental and anti-choice.
The person I am writing about feels invalidated and judged. My fictional character has endured 49 years of psychological pain. A few minutes of "not pain" are lovely. Just not enough.

 

[Ross]

As the title says, i'm even going on holiday and i'm going to enjoy myself before my time comes (next year December).

I'm actually amazed that i'm still capable of functioning to the point of enjoying life but i'm still 100% certain that i'm going to end my life, it's really odd. It's essentially a bitter sweet feeling. I know that i'm going to kill myself so i'm just making the most out of the time that I've allocated for myself.

Can anyone relate to this? You can enjoy life but you still want to die?

Have a great year.
What would happen if you found a new partner, or had a kid (I don't know ur age) or dream job in that time. Would you delay December? Put off completely or still go ahead ?

 

[Jean4]

I don't get it. If you can still enjoy life why would you want to die?

I agree. I can't personally understand it.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm right there with you. There are moments in life that still bring me joy. I still enjoy the little things... I laugh, I smile, I love, I care. I still enjoy certain activities. The thing is, we're still human. I can smile and laugh, yet be in so much pain. I think I've gotten so used to faking it that I forget I am faking it sometimes. I can sit there and discuss life with my friends while smiling, when deep down I know I'm going to end it. In fact, I saw my friend last week. We drank, we ate, we traveled. We laughed. We loved. All those moments were real, but even then there was underlying pain and suffering there. That never goes away. I appreciated those moments even more as I knew it is more than likely the last time I'll see them. When I had left them and got on the train, all I could think about was how I couldn't do this anymore. How I would miss them dearly, but my decision will remain the same... You know? When you're about to ctb, sometimes you think about how these will be your last moments. While there is peace in that, you are also kind of saying goodbye to those experiences you'll never have again. I guess even when I am in so much pain and engulfed by darkness, I still want people to remember my laugh. My smile. Remember me when the skies were clear and there was no dark cloud in sight.

 

[Death.]

I am also in limbo. I have everything necessary to CTB but I am trying to find meaning in life through pursuing pleasure.

I agree. I can't personally understand it.

If the moments of pleasure are few and far between and life is mostly lived in agony then this position makes sense

 

[RedPanda]

Have a great year.
What would happen if you found a new partner, or had a kid (I don't know ur age) or dream job in that time. Would you delay December? Put off completely or still go ahead ?

I honestly think i'm asexual, i don't crave intimacy at all. I don't even think about having a partner or kids so this wouldn't happen. I already have my dream job. I just want to go, i feel like I have lived my life and now it's time to say goodbye. I know that for most people my decision might sound completely irrational, stupid and selfish since i'm throwing my life away but i don't care to be honest. I'm turning 29 next year by the way. I don't want to make it to 30.

 

[hahabye]

As the title says, i'm even going on holiday and i'm going to enjoy myself before my time comes (next year December).

I'm actually amazed that i'm still capable of functioning to the point of enjoying life but i'm still 100% certain that i'm going to end my life, it's really odd. It's essentially a bitter sweet feeling. I know that i'm going to kill myself so i'm just making the most out of the time that I've allocated for myself.

Can anyone relate to this? You can enjoy life but you still want to die?

Do you ever get moments when you think you don't want to die anymore? Or want to postpone your ctb date? I just did, almost felt like I could get back to normal life for a second. And then it all just collapsed without any serious reason. That feels so terrifying and crushing...

To all of those people who envy the ability to feel joy while still wanting to die, I'd say, in a way, you're the lucky ones. I'd rather feel no joy at all than experience these heartbreaking falls time after time.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I feel the same. I'm sure that I'll end my life but I still enjoy little things like drinking coffee, my dog, listening to music but I feel suicidal most of the time.

 

[precipice]

Yeah, I relate. I don't have a timeline set, but I just know I'm gonna kill myself or die some other way by thirty. I'm still going to school, still enjoying the fleeting moments, but I still know I'm not in for the long run.
The interesting thing to me has been sometimes it makes things better like if I fail a test I'm not stressed cause fuck it, I'm gonna be in a ditch within the next few years anyway. But, sometimes, it makes things so much worse cause suicide has become my only real, functional coping mechanism, so if even a small thing happens I jump to dramatic solutions.
Basically, I would never cry over my life falling apart, but I might kill myself over spilt milk.

 

[Sensei]

Can anyone relate to this? You can enjoy life but you still want to die?

100 %. It's an ongoing conflict in me.

 

[sullengirl]

I feel this way as well. Even if I decide to stay and participate in the world, I know for a fact that I'll eventually do it at any point in my life. I have a very difficult time imagining anything that would keep me here much longer, as of current.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I feel this way as well. Even if I decide to stay and participate in the world, I know for a fact that I'll eventually do it at any point in my life. I have a very difficult time imagining anything that would keep me here much longer, as of current.

I feel so much like you

 

[134340]

Like you said, it's an immensely bittersweet feeling. I know all of this will end fairly soon, that those moments are good but they aren't enough. You put it into words very nicely. Just a weird, bittersweet feeling. I hope you enjoy your holiday, OP!