Venting i’ll only be taken seriously if i actually ctb

[sorararara]

no one is taking me seriously. whenever i talk about my problems, i'm talked over, ignored, or my issues get downplayed. talking just doesn't work. i don't think anyone believes that i'm genuinely struggling. i've thought about "attempting" ctb in a way that i know won't kill me (taking large but non-lethal doses of meds, timing it perfectly so someone sees me, etc) but i think that would make things worse, but i've already exhausted every other option. antidepressants, therapists, being open about my feelings, etcetcetc.
it's such a pathetic plan, i don't think i'll go through with it, but i think about it a lot. it seems like my only way of getting people to take me seriously. i don't even think my doctors realize how bad it is, they seem so indifferent about everything.

this is all useless anyways. i feel so guilty whenever i make someone worry, but i so desperately WANT someone to worry about me. i'm so conflicted and desperate.

i don't want to actually ctb but i don't want to be sad for the rest of my life. i'm just so tired of trying to get help and failing. dying is scary to me, but it honestly seems to be my only option.

 

[redisblue]

I feel like this sometimes. I'm so sorry that you're going through that - I hope that the people around you start to take you more seriously, you deserve so much better. Please try to hold on. Sending love and hugs - I'm here if you need to talk or anything :)

 

[jodes2]

I hope you don't do it it's worth persevering with talking to people try and get your desperation across

 

[etherealgoddess]

Communicate the concern that you feel ignored, not cared about, and struggle so much with your difficulties and that it is amplified by not feeling understood. Sometimes, people do care but don't know exactly what you need. You long to feel understood, but someone else's way of caring is trying to put your difficulties in a different perspective, which sucks but their intentions may be good. Tell them that you don't want to hear about how your issues aren't actually difficult because you feel hurt and are actually struggling so much with your issues. Tell them that you feel hurt because you feel ignored when they do a certain action. Tell them that all you want is for you to feel validated.

Another thing is you cannot live life always needing someone to care for you. The only people who will do that undoubtedly are your family (or maybe not, but idk), and if it's not your family, you need to have radical acceptance and live for yourself--be selfish in a sense. If you were to kill yourself, people will be shocked when they hear of your death, but then they will get over it. Some girl in eighth grade when I was in seventh grade died, and yeah, people remembered it for one week but a week after her death, everyone acted as if nothing happened. That's the reality. Life just goes on. If nobody actually cares about you before you die as you assume, then what makes you think that they're actually going to care after your dead? That's just why you need to live for yourself. Live to enjoy the present moment and do your best. Basically, just live as much as you can. Don't get me wrong--we like societal validation as humans and our corresponding survival instincts. But truly, you just need enough societal validation to just get by and not be shunned like, for example, not wearing a shirt that says, "I hate black people," in the middle of the hood and just enough to get a job. Beyond that, you can choose your life. Use this as a turning point for liberation: don't give a shit about if people care.

Also, you say you don't have motivation. Happiness in life happens after you do actions. You do things that you don't feel like doing but you still resist and make yourself do it and do the action. Then you feel better and feel motivated after you have succeeded. Motivation is a fleeting emotion that you absolutely cannot rely on. You have to rely on self-discipline when you feel like shit, doing stuff that logically makes sense but you don't feel like doing. That's how you can end up feeling better. Also, work on building intrinsic motivation as well as trying to live in the present, emotional regulation, thinking mistakes, etc. (search up all of those key words in google and find out how to do them).

Not meaning to make stuff sound easy. Just want to give you my feedback. Of course, though, things aren't so rigid in a sense.

 

[hellispink]

It won't make people care. People either care or they don't and death doesn't change it sadly. People will only care for a few days after a failed attempt maybe.They will start ignoring and doing the same things they were doing previously, cause that's how humans are. So in my opinion if you ain't sure it is not worth it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Those people do sound insensitive which is why I believe that it's for the best to never be open about our suffering as other people will likely just be invalidating as they cannot really understand, and anyway people like that simply don't care. Nearly all people are incredibly self centred and only care about what directly affects themselves and it's just the way that things are. You cannot rely on people after all. It certainly sounds like a terrible idea attempting a non fatal method that is just guaranteed to fail, it will never achieve anything apart from just creating more suffering.