Venting i'll never reach out

[passivethought121]

Doesn't matter if there is nobody or there is everybody to "reach out" to, I never will. It's not that I have 0 friends and family, but that I'm physically incapable of it. I tried too hard [to reach out] when I was far too young, and the responses have instilled a belief that has become an instinct. Comparison, invalidation, denial, disbelief. While I only need one hand to count how many people I "reached out" to, there will never be a proper way to measure how much I valued them and how that made their reactions immensely more painful. Nowadays, the mental challenge has manifested physically. I found a therapist out of coercion, and I was only capable of writing my feelings. She said so much bullshit I didn't agree with, yet I couldn't bring myself to speak. It felt like a free trial of selective mutism. She made my issues feel minor and defeatable. Perhaps I'm too sensitive to live. I don't ever feel severe enough to reach out, either. The thought of physically talking about my issues makes me cringe. It makes me feel that I am those dramatic children who fake mental illness for attention. I can copy a 3k word suicide note, paste it into an email or dm of anyone that might care about me, but I will never send it. For I believe, or rather know, that I won't hear a good reaction. My mind will come up with a million reasons. It feels like putting my hand into a fire. I'll feel like they're stressed and busy, too much to give a shit. I'll believe they're tired of me, and this was the last straw. I'll believe they don't believe me, and will tell me I'm dramatic. I'll believe it's so much harder for them, and they'll see my issues as "the better hand". I believe I'll become the friend who only whines, and is therefore toxic.

The only time I feel comfortable "reaching out" is when I know there'll never be anything more. When I know they'll forget me, won't reply, won't send anyone, won't feel guilty, or won't see me again.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Your instinct is right and guiding you.
I've had moments recently where I'm mute. I just can't get it out. I was like that as a child so to have it come back was pretty hurtful.
I find the more honest and transparent you are with yourself and how you think and how you are is really what only matters. It helps build you.
Keep listening to your instinct.

 

[Angel of Spades]

I understand. I've had similar experiences as well. For me, I can't help but reach out for help, offering subtle red flags to the people who surround me. But they either never notice or they go into crisis mode and only make my situation worse by getting my family involved. As a result, I'm very careful about what I can and will say. I think that instinct is meant to protect what you want in the end; it's keeping you from saying anything because if you garner too much attention, then your plan will go to shit.

I'm sorry that you never had the support system you so desperately needed, and I'm sorry that the people around you, the ones who you were supposed to be able to trust, treated you so poorly, and I'm sorry it instilled these instincts in you, but sometimes that cruelty is really the final nail in the coffin for what you want to go through with.

 

[tidal1]

There's a part of me that has an urge to reach out, but I always stop myself because I just know that deep down anyone I reach out to won't care and will probably think I'm being dramatic or emotional. I don't want to make myself appear more pathetic than I already feel.