primadonna_
New Member
- Jan 10, 2026
- 1
Looking back on my life, I have no idea why I didn't CTB earlier. Since the 6th grade i've never had any motivation to do anything, like do my school work or aspire to get a job and live a successful life. Somehow i've made it to college and i'm completely set that's how i'm going to go out once I'm done having fun.
After the first 10 years of my life just being everyday physical and emotional abuse from my mom, I eventually got it to stop be threatening her with CTB. When I started middle school, I started failing all my classes, creating conflict with my friends and even had my mom try to leave me that summer. But after years of begging my parents to get me evaluated for ADHD because it was just so painfully obvious, I finally got it because it was finally affecting them. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. I really, really, wish that was it.
From ages 12 to 15, I was diagnosed with ADHD, Conduct Disorder with Callous-Unemotional Traits, C-PTSD, Binge Eating Disorder, Bipolar l, Depression, and Chronic Tic Disorder. Seven different mental disorders— (at least the ones I remember) all of which ultimately led me to spending most of my time in hospitals in facilities, doing all kinds of therapy which barely worked on my bigger problems. I think the one disorder I think about the most is probably my conduct disorder, (which was recently upgraded to antisocial personality disorder) which is basically adolescent sociopathy but in my case, I had it with cu traits which just means I had a more severe version of the disorder which made me a lot more likely to develop psychopathy as an adult. Apparently my specific presentation was super rare, about one of 13,000 girls. It was so weird to know that apparently my whole life that what I felt and my emotional experience was drastically different from everybody else's. I barely felt anxiety, guilt or any of that. I never have, but I always knew I was different from the other kids in terms of feeling bad and remorse when doing things— but it was weirder to know that even with all the types of therapy that can totally transform people, with all the years i've spent hours in outpatient, with all the hospitals i've been to, I would never be able to feel like everybody else does, and i'm afraid i'll never get to know.
If you have any understanding of mental health and mental disorders at all, then you know just having one of these can be crippling, imagine having SEVEN of those all at once. I've always wondered what being a normal person was like because obviously having all of these makes my view on the on the world drastically different from the average person. Thanks to the years of therapy I've gone through and all the medications i'm on, I haven't done anything crazy in a long time— but I also wonder what I've looked like when I was doing something insane. Destroying everything in my room, yelling at people, having to be strapped down and taken into an ambulance because you can't be managed anymore. I wish I knew what people thought when they had to watch all of that. But I won't care what people think of me when i'm gone.
I know people think CTB is selfish, but I definitely disagree. If anything, I would be doing people a favor. Im self aware that i'm a terrible person, why would I move on to get married to some asshole and pass all of those to another kid and put another psychopath on this earth? For now, I'm going to burn through college partying and doing whatever I want to do, stop going to therapy, spend time with my friends, do something risky. I want to CTB at my peak, i'm beautiful, young, and bored. Why would anyone want to carry on past that anyways? <3
After the first 10 years of my life just being everyday physical and emotional abuse from my mom, I eventually got it to stop be threatening her with CTB. When I started middle school, I started failing all my classes, creating conflict with my friends and even had my mom try to leave me that summer. But after years of begging my parents to get me evaluated for ADHD because it was just so painfully obvious, I finally got it because it was finally affecting them. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. I really, really, wish that was it.
From ages 12 to 15, I was diagnosed with ADHD, Conduct Disorder with Callous-Unemotional Traits, C-PTSD, Binge Eating Disorder, Bipolar l, Depression, and Chronic Tic Disorder. Seven different mental disorders— (at least the ones I remember) all of which ultimately led me to spending most of my time in hospitals in facilities, doing all kinds of therapy which barely worked on my bigger problems. I think the one disorder I think about the most is probably my conduct disorder, (which was recently upgraded to antisocial personality disorder) which is basically adolescent sociopathy but in my case, I had it with cu traits which just means I had a more severe version of the disorder which made me a lot more likely to develop psychopathy as an adult. Apparently my specific presentation was super rare, about one of 13,000 girls. It was so weird to know that apparently my whole life that what I felt and my emotional experience was drastically different from everybody else's. I barely felt anxiety, guilt or any of that. I never have, but I always knew I was different from the other kids in terms of feeling bad and remorse when doing things— but it was weirder to know that even with all the types of therapy that can totally transform people, with all the years i've spent hours in outpatient, with all the hospitals i've been to, I would never be able to feel like everybody else does, and i'm afraid i'll never get to know.
If you have any understanding of mental health and mental disorders at all, then you know just having one of these can be crippling, imagine having SEVEN of those all at once. I've always wondered what being a normal person was like because obviously having all of these makes my view on the on the world drastically different from the average person. Thanks to the years of therapy I've gone through and all the medications i'm on, I haven't done anything crazy in a long time— but I also wonder what I've looked like when I was doing something insane. Destroying everything in my room, yelling at people, having to be strapped down and taken into an ambulance because you can't be managed anymore. I wish I knew what people thought when they had to watch all of that. But I won't care what people think of me when i'm gone.
I know people think CTB is selfish, but I definitely disagree. If anything, I would be doing people a favor. Im self aware that i'm a terrible person, why would I move on to get married to some asshole and pass all of those to another kid and put another psychopath on this earth? For now, I'm going to burn through college partying and doing whatever I want to do, stop going to therapy, spend time with my friends, do something risky. I want to CTB at my peak, i'm beautiful, young, and bored. Why would anyone want to carry on past that anyways? <3
