Story I’ll be with him soon

[I’llbewithyousoon]

On Thursday night my partner of 10 years and dad to our 2 kids killed him self. We were in the process of a separation, we drifted apart, I loved him so much but wasn't in love with him. He had such a shit life of neglect, and abuse till we met aged 23, I thought we'd be together forever but he just couldn't get past his past. He would call me horrible names, not socialise or want me to socialise and constantly threatened to kill himself if we split up, I ended up feeling completely cut off and suffocated. I said I'd help him find somewhere to live so we could share custody of our children so had been staying on the sofa and in our sons room till he did so. On Wednesday he announced he was going away for the weekend Thursday to Sunday. I asked where but he said it wasn't any of my business..fair enough. So on Thursday evening he got my kids favourite fish and chips, kissed them goodbye and left. He drove our family car to a local main road and walked the mile to 2 miles to a local hotel. When I woke up at 6.30 the next morning I had a message "I may die tonight, I always loved you. sorry" . He had done this countless times over the past few months so I messaged "where are you?" No answer... I messaged again still no answer. The same morning I found out my gran had a stroke while she was in hospital with pneumonia so I messaged him telling him. At this point I knew he had gone, I called the police to report him missing again an hour or so later a policeman comes by to take his details description etc again, he leaves. Maybe an hour later him and a police lady pull up, I'm half expecting them to tell me he's been found or sectioned (again) but inside I knew what they had come to tell me. They found him in a local hotel and he had drunk something is all I know so far.
I can't do this parenting on my own which I had always told him. And I'm overcome with guilt for letting him down and giving up on our relationship.
I need something ASAP that I can take to go painlessly and quickly. I can't wait weeks for shipments. I want us to have our funerals together. Can anyone help with advice?

 

[Daffodil]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Definitely have no recommendations if you want to do something impulsively and with little planning. It's way too soon for you to be thinking with a clear head.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome to the forum.

We are pro choice here. You can do whatever you want.

I understand the trauma and shock you are in. I know exactly what is happening in your head.

That being said, it is never recommended to make impulsive decisions.

Look around the forum. The resources section has a wealth of information. Most important, ask questions.

We are here for you, and we understand.

My partner CTB December 8. If you would like to talk, I am here.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. You mustn't act impulsively it will only make things worse. Your guilt is very understandable and something I can relate to and will make you feel desperate. But please don't act in haste. Take each moment at a time until you can regain a clear mind. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Tempeste]

You've been through so much in such a short time.
This is a permanent decision that should be thoughtfully measured.
Please consider allowing yourself a little time to sort through your feelings and your situation before making a choice.
I hope you will.

 

[JSauter]

I'm not saying suicide isn't an option - far be it for me to impose pro-life views on anyone, but for the sake of your kids, don't make an impulsive choice here. Give this one some time. I'm sorry for everything. You can't feel guilt over ending a relationship - everyone has been there. As you mentioned, there was some underlying issues with him. This is not your fault. I was in a relationship for 7 years with a woman that couldn't deal with my issues - the breakup was very hard on me, but it is not her fault for making that decision.

 

[Time]

Welcome, I'llbewithyousoon. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can only imagine the pain you're going through.

Not to talk you into or out of anything but I just hope that you consider all consequences that may come from your suicide (I.E. Your children).

Maybe take some time to consider different options available to you???

If you want to talk, we're here.

 

[Frew]

I am so sorry

Please don't make any rash decisions as you're probably in shock. Can you seek help with a bereavement counsellor or any friends or family members? You need support right now. Also please don't blame yourself. Sending love

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Definitely have no recommendations if you want to do something impulsively and with little planning. It's way too soon for you to be thinking with a clear head.

Welcome to the forum.

We are pro choice here. You can do whatever you want.

I understand the trauma and shock you are in. I know exactly what is happening in your head.

That being said, it is never recommended to make impulsive decisions.

Look around the forum. The resources section has a wealth of information. Most important, ask questions.

We are here for you, and we understand.

My partner CTB December 8. If you would like to talk, I am here.

Thanks for your reply, I'm sorry you lost your partner too.
It sounds like I'm acting in haste but the truth is I've been here many times before and the last 10 years ago when he saved me.
Ive been looking at SN method but I'm slightly confused by all the abbreviations. I've ordered some Metoclopramide today but actually struggling to find the SN or ideally N as it's so expensive and read about scams.

I need to go soon as I can't deal with organising his funeral, constantly finding all his things round the house, still washing his clothes, seeing his toothbrush each morning. I wanted to have a plan tonight so I could do it tomorrow after dropping my kids at school. I let him down just like everyone else had and I need to be with him now.

 

[Jean4]

Thanks for your reply, I'm sorry you lost your partner too.
It sounds like I'm acting in haste but the truth is I've been here many times before and the last 10 years ago when he saved me.
Ive been looking at SN method but I'm slightly confused by all the abbreviations. I've ordered some Metoclopramide today but actually struggling to find the SN or ideally N as it's so expensive and read about scams.

I need to go soon as I can't deal with organising his funeral, constantly finding all his things round the house, still washing his clothes, seeing his toothbrush each morning. I wanted to have a plan tonight so I could do it tomorrow after dropping my kids at school. I let him down just like everyone else had and I need to be with him now.

My partner wrote the SN guide. I'm sorry, but devising a plan in 24 hours is too fast in my opinion, especially when you have children. Please think about it.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

 

[EmptyArms]

I'm so sorry your partner left you like this. It must have been a terrible shock even though he had threatened it so many times. I understand your urge to kill yourself. What will happen to your children if you do? How do you think they will be affected by both parents choosing to leave this way?

 

[AlreadyGone]

I completely understand that you are hurting right now but I strongly advise you not to take any action on impulse and explore your options.

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

I'm so sorry your partner left you like this. It must have been a terrible shock even though he had threatened it so many times. I understand your urge to kill yourself. What will happen to your children if you do? How do you think they will be affected by both parents choosing to leave this way?

I know it sounds so selfish to leave my children this way but they're 6 and 3, theyre young enough to not fully understand and to go on without us. I have family who would care for them. I'm going to drop them at school now and figure out my options.
I think the coroner will ask me to identify him today..

 

[Return2Dust]

I know it sounds so selfish to leave my children this way but they're 6 and 3, theyre young enough to not fully understand and to go on without us. I have family who would care for them. I'm going to drop them at school now and figure out my options.
I think the coroner will ask me to identify him today..

Hello. Welcome to the forum. My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband and the father of your children. You said you have family, is it possible to let them identify him and make the funeral arrangements? You don't have to do any of this alone. Like everyone else said, a quick ctb plan is a bad idea. This site has a ton of information and there are people here to help you make an informed decision. It's possible you're in shock right now and need time to process everything - Please reach out and talk to people first.

 

[Tempeste]

@I'llbewithyousoon, do you have anyone who can go with you to the coroner's office? It might be helpful to have some support nearby
We're all here. It's safe to talk here and sort out your feelings. No rush, no judgments, no commitment to any actions. Just safe space.

 

[angie]

On Thursday night my partner of 10 years and dad to our 2 kids killed him self. We were in the process of a separation, we drifted apart, I loved him so much but wasn't in love with him. He had such a shit life of neglect, and abuse till we met aged 23, I thought we'd be together forever but he just couldn't get past his past. He would call me horrible names, not socialise or want me to socialise and constantly threatened to kill himself if we split up, I ended up feeling completely cut off and suffocated. I said I'd help him find somewhere to live so we could share custody of our children so had been staying on the sofa and in our sons room till he did so. On Wednesday he announced he was going away for the weekend Thursday to Sunday. I asked where but he said it wasn't any of my business..fair enough. So on Thursday evening he got my kids favourite fish and chips, kissed them goodbye and left. He drove our family car to a local main road and walked the mile to 2 miles to a local hotel. When I woke up at 6.30 the next morning I had a message "I may die tonight, I always loved you. sorry" . He had done this countless times over the past few months so I messaged "where are you?" No answer... I messaged again still no answer. The same morning I found out my gran had a stroke while she was in hospital with pneumonia so I messaged him telling him. At this point I knew he had gone, I called the police to report him missing again an hour or so later a policeman comes by to take his details description etc again, he leaves. Maybe an hour later him and a police lady pull up, I'm half expecting them to tell me he's been found or sectioned (again) but inside I knew what they had come to tell me. They found him in a local hotel and he had drunk something is all I know so far.
I can't do this parenting on my own which I had always told him. And I'm overcome with guilt for letting him down and giving up on our relationship.
I need something ASAP that I can take to go painlessly and quickly. I can't wait weeks for shipments. I want us to have our funerals together. Can anyone help

So sorry for your loss . I hope you can please try to give yourself some time to think rationally do not do things in haste .

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

Hello. Welcome to the forum. My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband and the father of your children. You said you have family, is it possible to let them identify him and make the funeral arrangements? You don't have to do any of this alone. Like everyone else said, a quick ctb plan is a bad idea. This site has a ton of information and there are people here to help you make an informed decision. It's possible you're in shock right now and need time to process everything - Please reach out and talk to people first.

I won't be able to identify him for a few days until they've examined him and sent off toxicology. I want to see him coz I'd feel like I'm letting him down yet again if I'm not the one to see him. I also keep thinking he's going to walk through the door.

@I'llbewithyousoon, do you have anyone who can go with you to the coroner's office? It might be helpful to have some support nearby
We're all here. It's safe to talk here and sort out your feelings. No rush, no judgments, no commitment to any actions. Just safe space.

I do have to do this on my own coz that's just how it is, I have 2 kids that I'll have to parent for the rest of my life alone. One day they'll blame me for what happened and I can't wait for that day.

Im getting to the point where I actually don't care if I suffer as I die and want to inflict pain on myself. Can anyone pm me a link for legit SN in the U.K.?

 

[jgm63]

I would suggest that you don't rush your decision on this.
I think it's too soon after the event to decide what you should do....

You don't have PM access yet....

You could try doing a google search, although I don't know if some (or all ?) sellers will need some form of proof as to why you are purchasing ?
Perhaps share with us what you discover on that front.... But don't mention specific company names / links on this public thread.

Or you could try looking on one of the well know auction or bidding websites.
I believe there is an eastern european seller there.

PM notes :
If you want to talk to anyone privately (instead of posting on threads), then you can use "PM" (PM = personal message, a bit like sending someone an email)
You need to make at least 5 posts and need to have been active for at least 24 hours to get access.
If you don't know what to post, you can post in some of the "games" threads (see "offtopic" section).
Once you have PM access, when you hover the mouse pointer over a user name, you will see a "start conversation" button...

Note : As always, please note that I strongly encourage you to seek help with whatever is troubling you. With the right help things can improve. There are many sources of help if you look and reach out. Please seek assistance in any and every way possible. You alone must decide upon your actions and take full responsibility for them, and you should always favour seeking help and keeping out of harm's way.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I am so so sorry... We are here for you.. Thinking of you

 

[voyager]

I let him down just like everyone else had and I need to be with him now.

No, you didn't. I'm going to straight out say it, you shouldn't feel guilty about this and in all likelihood didn't let him down - not after ten years. I understand you loved this person and he did you, and I'm sure he had a hard life, but threatning to kill oneself is basically a form of blackmailing someone to get to them to do what one wants. It's a form of control. I'm not saying he did it intentionally or out of wickedness, but it's something one really shouldn't do. I've seen three people do it to my mother. The situations were all bad, but they pressured her into temporary compliance with this threat. All three are still alive. Your partner isn't, okay, but it's not your fault that led him to doing this, but the issues he had beforehand. That's just what it is. So, you didn't let him down, but you will these two...

I know it sounds so selfish to leave my children this way but they're 6 and 3, theyre young enough to not fully understand and to go on without us. I have family who would care for them. I'm going to drop them at school now and figure out my options.
I think the coroner will ask me to identify him today..

I'm not trying to guilt trip you, because that would be the same thing as your partner did. But please be honest with yourself, they won't be okay. They'll have to deal with this the rest of their lives. Not least because you chose your partner over them. I'm sorry for your loss, but if your really believe what you wrote it's not fair punishing them for your alleged mistake. Regrets are frozen in time, that's just how it is, but you still have a choice on how it plays out for your children. Maybe you could at least give it some time to grieve and come to terms with the loss before making another decision which will be set in stone.

I do have to do this on my own coz that's just how it is, I have 2 kids that I'll have to parent for the rest of my life alone. One day they'll blame me for what happened and I can't wait for that day.

Don't you think they will if you go ahead with this? There are many single parents. My mum was one, and yes, here I am, but it has absolutely nothing to do with that fact. My life would have been a disaster had she done it, but it was great and I owe her that. Maybe you can do the same?

I don't mean to sound harsh, nor lecture you, but at least be honest with yourself and your kids. Many of us struggle with similar situations. If I kill myself for instance I fuck up my mum, that's fact. It's a choice I have and one I might make, but I believe one should be aware of the reality and it's consequences.

If this offends you I apologise. This is your choice, and this community supports that, as will I.

 

[Manja]

You're in a state of panic, let it pass...you said you have a family that can raise your kids, they can also help you raise them, so youre not all alone...
They are not that young, I remember crying every day in a kindergarten bc I was afraid my mum will die and not come for me, bc some kids mum died in a car accident...

 

[chris8000]

I'm sorry to hear your going through this, you have my sincerest condolences

Your at a moment of intense suffering and I hope that you consider that eventually that burden is often less painful or difficult. It might be better to give the situation more time to see if your perspective does change, as hard as that may be. You may find your a better parent on your own than you realise.

Although the forum supports the right to live or die for every person, it does encourage people experiencing intense emotions to seek help elsewhere to get better.

We are here for you and I wish you to be well.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your loss and your suffering.

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

You could try doing a google search, although I don't know if some (or all ?) sellers will need some form of proof as to why you are purchasing ?
Perhaps share with us what you discover on that front.... But don't mention specific company names / links on this public thread.

Or you could try looking on one of the well know auction or bidding websites.
I believe there is an eastern european seller there.

Thanks, I brought some yesterday from a similar seller with a bit more feedback. Should be here before the end of the week.

No, you didn't. I'm going to straight out say it, you shouldn't feel guilty about this and in all likelihood didn't let him down - not after ten years. I understand you loved this person and he did you, and I'm sure he had a hard life, but threatning to kill oneself is basically a form of blackmailing someone to get to them to do what one wants. It's a form of control. I'm not saying he did it intentionally or out of wickedness, but it's something one really shouldn't do. I've seen three people do it to my mother. The situations were all bad, but they pressured her into temporary compliance with this threat. All three are still alive. Your partner isn't, okay, but it's not your fault that led him to doing this, but the issues he had beforehand. That's just what it is. So, you didn't let him down, but you will these two...

I'm not trying to guilt trip you, because that would be the same thing as your partner did. But please be honest with yourself, they won't be okay. They'll have to deal with this the rest of their lives. Not least because you chose your partner over them. I'm sorry for your loss, but if your really believe what you wrote it's not fair punishing them for your alleged mistake. Regrets are frozen in time, that's just how it is, but you still have a choice on how it plays out for your children. Maybe you could at least give it some time to grieve and come to terms with the loss before making another decision which will be set in stone.

Don't you think they will if you go ahead with this? There are many single parents. My mum was one, and yes, here I am, but it has absolutely nothing to do with that fact. My life would have been a disaster had she done it, but it was great and I owe her that. Maybe you can do the same?

I don't mean to sound harsh, nor lecture you, but at least be honest with yourself and your kids. Many of us struggle with similar situations. If I kill myself for instance I fuck up my mum, that's fact. It's a choice I have and one I might make, but I believe one should be aware of the reality and it's consequences.

If this offends you I apologise. This is your choice, and this community supports that, as will I.

Thank you for trying to reason with me but the sense of guilt for me is overwhelming, it hurts so much and they deserve better than me.

Ive been trying to pretend Ive got things together taking the kids to school, doing the washing, cleaning finished painting my little boys room,etc so that people dont get suspicious and give me space..which they have been. Just trying to think if I need to tie up any loose ends before I ctb.

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

I went to the police this morning to see if they would release his possessions as I know he left a note but they won't release them yet. On Tuesday my kids received a package from him "To **** and **** love Dad" is that it all he felt he owes them?!! On Wednesday I received one from him "To **** (he never called me by my full name) from **** (and never addressed himself by his full name) " They were pathetic thoughtless gifts, fucking pathetic!
I booked an appointment at the drs for the first time since and saw this moron dr, who I was kind of hoping to see as he's prescribed me 14 Zopiclone 7.5mg. Are these suitable benzos for my method?

 

[jgm63]

I went to the police this morning to see if they would release his possessions as I know he left a note but they won't release them yet. On Tuesday my kids received a package from him "To **** and **** love Dad" is that it all he felt he owes them?!! On Wednesday I received one from him "To **** (he never called me by my full name) from **** (and never addressed himself by his full name) " They were pathetic thoughtless gifts, fucking pathetic!
I booked an appointment at the drs for the first time since and saw this moron dr, who I was kind of hoping to see as he's prescribed me 14 Zopiclone 7.5mg. Are these suitable benzos for my method?

I'm going to express my personal opinion on what you wrote....
Feel free to ignore it or completely disagree of course, since it is purely an opinion.....

Why do you feel that anyone "owes" anything to anyone ?
Those concepts just get in the way of the ability to just give naturally in the moment, but without having to meet up to some sort of "standard".
Your partner did the best he could in that moment. Perhaps the gesture he made was a simple one, but I'm sure he tried to do what he could with the energy, time, and money he had available, considering what he was probably going through.
This endless pattern of putting expectations onto people, and having endless "standards" that people should meet is a disease of modern society, and destroys any ability for any sort of spiritual state to occur in anybody. In my view it is ignorant, and causes nothing but unnecessary misery.
Did you spend a lot of time judging your partner while he was alive, because that is the type of energy I feel from your post.
Your first post sounded full of remorse, and as though you had learned something from the terrible events that took place, but this post paints a different picture.

I realise that you are going through a terrible time, but I feel it is very wrong to dishonour your partner who recently passed.

 

[I’llbewithyousoon]

Why do you feel that anyone "owes" anything to anyone ?
Those concepts just get in the way of the ability to just give naturally in the moment, but without having to meet up to some sort of "standard".
Your partner did the best he could in that moment. Perhaps the gesture he made was a simple one, but I'm sure he tried to do what he could with the energy, time, and money he had available, considering what he was probably going through.
This endless pattern of putting expectations onto people, and having endless "standards" that people should meet is a disease of modern society, and destroys any ability for any sort of spiritual state to occur in anybody. In my view it is ignorant, and causes nothing but unnecessary misery.
Did you spend a lot of time judging your partner while he was alive, and making him feel as though he wasn't good enough, because that is the type of energy I feel from your post.
Your first post sounded full of remorse, and as though you had learned something from the terrible events that took place, but this post paints a different picture.

I realise that you are going through a terrible time, but I still feel it is wrong to dishonour your partner who recently passed.

You're right, I believe this was my lesson. I think I'm ready.

 

[jgm63]

You're right, I believe this was my lesson. I think I'm ready.

I was commenting on your view towards your partner.
With regards your children, however, that is a separate and different situation.
Personally I feel a bit conflicted regarding being able to fully support your idea of CTB, considering the situation that will leave them in, losing both parents within a short time period.
However, it of course depends on the specific details of the situation, since some people may have no choice, however are you certain that applies to your case ?
Ultimately you must do as you feel is right, although I hope you have weighed that up very carefully indeed.....