It's such a mixed feeling...
I have been in therapy for 16 years, all with the same psychologist. He helped me a lot, I think I was able to achieve the things I achieved in life because of his support. I learned how my mind works and what can trigger bad moments. He helped me to be a more regulated person. When I started therapy with him I was 14 years old, he was more of a father figure than my actual father. I really connected with him, he understood my thought process and he never gave up on me even when I would call him in the middle of the night crying and saying I wanted to ctb in that moment. I remember a specific late night phone call when I told him I thought this was it, I needed to die, and he calmly told me that there was a very high chance I could be badly injured from my attempt and be worse off. That if I attempted he'd have to call emergency services and he didn't want me to have that traumatic memory and be put in a psych hospital. I ended up SH instead and on the next appointment he praised me for what I did, that it was better to SH than to be severely injured and still alive. He made a horrible situation a bit lighter.
So he did help a lot with some of my issues. At some point I felt like my brain was broken and that maybe I should try a different therapist so now I'm with a different psychologist. Oddly enough, it was from switching psychologist that I noticed how much I was personally attached to my previous psychologist. I shared so much of my life with that man, he was with me through so many things in my life. I saw him grow older, get divorced, get a girlfriend. It's like I had this best friend for so many years and that I can't talk to him. I always knew it was a professional relationship, never expected to feel so personally connected, but it did happen and I miss him.
Now with this new psychologist, he is nice, I think we have a similar thought process. He is in favour of the right to die and I've been able to speak freely about ctb. He is keen on getting to the root of my problems by looking into my past trauma and hit some breakthroughs like: finding out that I don't remember good memories. When I searched for him I specifically searched for a therapist with experience with EMDR so I think knowing what I was looking for helped.
Having said all this, and even though my experiences with therapy have been positive, I'm still not cured and it's been several years. I don't know what to think about that, my heart doesn't let me put blame on my first psychologist as I think he was such a beam of light in my life. I feel like my brain is broken and I'm putting my last efforts into trying to fix it. I'm hoping therapy and other things can do it but I don't know.