This is the same with me, and I think this is what was meant by the quote about staring into the abyss, which is non-existence and shrouded in darkness. There was text I read which someone sent to me which was very depressing, even more so because it was true (the man who wrote later killed himself). It's here:
David Foster Wallace's remarkable 2005 commencement speech, This is Water, is a timeless trove of wisdom for living a meaningful life. Here is a full transcript along with audio.
fs.blog
It's a long text, but it's a very depressing outlook on life, and perhaps because the author consistently thought like this, this caused depression and eventual suicide. Depression (and anger and hatred) are most destructive emotions, as they will neither help with recovery, nor help with suicide, as suicide requires courage and determination, which depression depletes.
The way I come to terms with this is by removing the fear of being dead from my mind. There's two quotes which I like, as follows:
Basically death is non-existence, but because to think of ourselves not-existing is almost impossible, it's therefore better to avoid thinking about, or just think of the quotes like the ones above. Avoid imaging what death 'is'.
As depression is arguably the worst state to be in, as everything seems dark and it strips away our confidence and self-esteem. It must be avoided, and it can be avoided by putting everything into perspective, and not letting our imagination run wild. By putting things into perspective I mean by writing all your thoughts down, and when you do this, and comparing your lives with others and those who lived centuries ago, you can, over time and repeated reflections, come to terms with life and death.
It wasn't just Buddhist meditation that practices visualisation and contemplations techniques, it was a practice done in ancient Western philosophy as well. There's an excellent lecture on this, which discusses the visualisation techniques used by Seneca, particularly vivid imaginary, repetition, and exemplars who died with equanimity. The video is here:
Although being dead is something we need not even think about as it won't actually happen to us, which is difficult, impossible even, to fully comprehend; the act of dying, and pain and anxiety which precedes death (either self-inflicted or not), is something which does have to be thought about, as only by thinking about it can we come to terms with it. I don't find mental meditation or visulisation effective, but I do find writing effective. By writing, I feel I am able to shape my thoughts; whereas simply meditating about it doesn't give me that control. And so I write about those final moments, and make them as vivid as possible. This I believe is effective in removing the fear of death, but this takes a while of daily, repeated practice; it's not something which can be done in a day.
But above all, avoid what ever makes you depressed. Depression must be seen as an enemy which must be fought back, however difficult that may be. For once depression enters the mind it takes hold of our thoughts and makes everything seem more fearful than it actually is. Like I said earlier, depression makes hinders both recovery and suicide, and makes one feel trapped.
A final point is that I spent both Christmas and NYE alone, and wrote 15,000 words, reflections aimed at putting my life into perspective, but also finished each paragraph or so with vivid reflections on dying. This was effective as it avoided me from getting too downcast, it was especially useful when I could hear the fireworks outside while I was stuck inside alone. Whenever I'm depressed, I write, with the aim of putting everything into perspective, rather than looking into the 'abyss', which is nothing more than our imagination of things which we do not understand nor ever will.
