nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 240
i took a trip into the city today to see a movie with a friend after weeks of laying in bed contemplating suicide, after i got home i was faced with anger from my mother who used my actions against me yet again to call me names, tell me how awful i look, tell me no one in the city cares for me, etc. i told her i was actively suicidal every day and the trip was an attempt to feel better, yelled all of this as a cry for help, and she scoffed and told me to pack my bags and leave.
no support from my family, check.
i am trying to find medication management after my last psych failed to inform me that my insurance was expiring with her practice, and essentially left me cold turkey no meds. the only providers in my state who take my insurance have appointments in august, i can't call them and say i am actively suicidal and desperately need help or they will ward me. so i am now forced to lie to out of state providers to use a different insurance, and will have to travel across state lines to pick up my medication.
no support from the "system", check.
i can't do it on my own. i really can't. i don't know what to do or where to turn, whether i should check myself into a facility or not or what. i just want one fucking guardian angel, to some people that is their family, their friends, their partner. i have absolutely no one who cares for my wellbeing and if it weren't for the energy i put in everyday i would be rotting under the covers of my bed. no one gives me any credit for making it this far when my head constantly tells me to OFF. MY. SELF. i wish everyone who crossed paths with me understood the absolute, indescribable torture that swells in your ribcage when your survival instinct and the dark wolf in you telling you to pursue destruction clash and gnaw at one another. i am so tired and i want to give up every day, i want to do nothing but write in my note and blame everyone around me, but i tread onwards despite the weight of my deplorable mind. i want nothing but to claw myself inside out in front of the people who have hurt me the most yet i FUCKING CONTINUE. WHERE IS MY PRAISE. WHERE IS MY CONGRATULATIONS. no where, because in no one's mind is getting through the day with all of your limbs intact, your veins clear of harmful substances, your arms free of new wounds, an accomplishment.
no support from my family, check.
i am trying to find medication management after my last psych failed to inform me that my insurance was expiring with her practice, and essentially left me cold turkey no meds. the only providers in my state who take my insurance have appointments in august, i can't call them and say i am actively suicidal and desperately need help or they will ward me. so i am now forced to lie to out of state providers to use a different insurance, and will have to travel across state lines to pick up my medication.
no support from the "system", check.
i can't do it on my own. i really can't. i don't know what to do or where to turn, whether i should check myself into a facility or not or what. i just want one fucking guardian angel, to some people that is their family, their friends, their partner. i have absolutely no one who cares for my wellbeing and if it weren't for the energy i put in everyday i would be rotting under the covers of my bed. no one gives me any credit for making it this far when my head constantly tells me to OFF. MY. SELF. i wish everyone who crossed paths with me understood the absolute, indescribable torture that swells in your ribcage when your survival instinct and the dark wolf in you telling you to pursue destruction clash and gnaw at one another. i am so tired and i want to give up every day, i want to do nothing but write in my note and blame everyone around me, but i tread onwards despite the weight of my deplorable mind. i want nothing but to claw myself inside out in front of the people who have hurt me the most yet i FUCKING CONTINUE. WHERE IS MY PRAISE. WHERE IS MY CONGRATULATIONS. no where, because in no one's mind is getting through the day with all of your limbs intact, your veins clear of harmful substances, your arms free of new wounds, an accomplishment.
