If you have your stuff ready, whats keeping you?

[Wakawaka]

if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it

 

[elfgyoza]

It's really fucking hard to actually do it. It's one thing to say 'I wish I were dead', but to actually make it happen? It goes against our basic animal instincts, we're programmed to keep going, keep the genes going. I know your question was probably more for like 'I have a dog to look after', but sometimes it's just not easy to push against human nature and I really wish it were

 

[Eatyourveggies12]

Survival instinct and fear of failure.

 

[Wakawaka]

It's really fucking hard to actually do it. It's one thing to say 'I wish I were dead', but to actually make it happen? It goes against our basic animal instincts, we're programmed to keep going, keep the genes going. I know your question was probably more for like 'I have a dog to look after', but sometimes it's just not easy to push against human nature and I really wish it were

i dont really have anyone keeping me here so i didnt mean it like that, i've just never talked to anyone about this so i really dont know how other people feel

maybe it is just survival instincts

 

[Symbiote]

Knowing that I have an out, I can try some risky things such as, going through a divorce with a person that has pwBPD. If that fails or ends up being a giant financial mess, I can just off myself.

 

[elfgyoza]

i dont really have anyone keeping me here so i didnt mean it like that, i've just never talked to anyone about this so i really dont know how other people feel

maybe it is just survival instincts

Yeah I get you, I wouldn't dare talk about this with anyone in real life. Could be survival instinct, but there might also be a different reason buried deep down somewhere? It's really hard to know why

 

[Thanatonaut]

I don't think enough people acknowledge our metaphysical ties to this world. They are powerful and not easily broken. The more relationships we have, the more of these ties there are, but the ties don't have to be relationships to people or animals. There are ties just to the world in general.

 

[botanormal]

Personally, I'm waiting until after the holiday season's over. It's partially so my death doesn't ruin my family's celebrations, and partially so I have some time to relax a little before leaving.

I felt really conflicted about everything before too, having the ability to do it whenever you want gives you a lot to consider. It can be hard to just decide one day to 'go for it', even if you have everything ready there's still a lot of mental blockage you might need to overcome, like your SI for example. It helps for me to have a rough date picked out, because going through every day with the materials I need at my disposal, yet not knowing when I should actually do it, really drove me crazy. But to each their own, I hope you're able to figure things out!

 

[rabbithole]

This incessant hope that things will change, although they absolutely will not.

also that I don't want to ctb. I have to.

 

[Lutembëe]

My SN is with me since last February but I can't even have the courage to do it. SI is stronger than ever.

 

[rabbithole]

I don't think enough people acknowledge our metaphysical ties to this world. They are powerful and not easily broken. The more relationships we have, the more of these ties there are, but the ties don't have to be relationships to people or animals. There are ties just to the world in general.

Absolutely. I'm attached to so many things.

 

[Gnip]

I do not have my stuff ready, and do not expect to until after I have been vaccinated against COVID. However, after that point, my mother's ongoing survival would be the only thing keeping me here. If she goes before me, any survival instinct I have will go with her.

My psychiatrists know that I am a member of Sanctioned Suicide (although they have no idea which poster I am), they know I read Final Exit ages ago, and they know they are completely impotent and incompetent to do anything about it. They have in their possession my detailed CTB method using nitrogen hypoxia which predates the creation of this site by years. (I supplied them with my documentation on self administered nitrogen hypoxia euthanasia in June 2014.) However, this is advantageous in my case by enabling the federal government to easily affirm the continuation of my permanent mental disability status. I am at no risk for ever being involuntarily admitted as a psychiatric inpatient because it is in my official records that if such an act were to be attempted against me that I would immediately CTB.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

i have to complete my exams

 

[ZardozOmega]

Fear of how unpleasant it will be

 

[Deleted member 23774]

I'm just waiting until after new years day. I plan on ctb the first week of the new year. The only thing keeping me here is that I want to spend the holiday with my best friend. It is really hard to hold on until then. I have everything that I need and I wish that I could do it now.

 

[12345]

How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(

I'm just waiting until after new years day. I plan on ctb the first week of the new year. The only thing keeping me here is that I want to spend the holiday with my best friend. It is really hard to hold on until then. I have everything that I need and I wish that I could do it now.

 

[Wakawaka]

How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(

im halfway there myself, its weird before i could see my friends before an attempt, now im to distracted to hold a conversation if i was about to ctb

 

[Deleted member 23774]

How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(yeah

How do you spend time with friends / family knowing you are going to do it - thats what i struggle with big time :(

Yeah, I'm struggling with that, I just want my friends to have a good holiday before I go.

 

[Raminiki]

I couldn't be 100% certain to succeed and the price of failure wasn't worth taking the risk. I tested all my equipment earlier in the year and decided it wasn't sound enough, so I found this site and did extensive research. I've since amended my method to increase the likelihood of success.

False hope, apathy and resentful determination factor into my dallying, as well as the well known irrational survival instinct.

I must decide on a significant date to wrap things up. I can't randomly decide to stop things, as it feels strangely like closing a book in the middle of a chapter instead of going by the correct procedure and concluding it. Maybe something will happen before the end of the chapter that will provide insight? Maybe there'll be a 'last straw' to confirm I'm making the correct choice and show the plot is going in exactly the direction it should be.

I need to be in a calm and focused state of mind to make all the final preparations. It's a precise and intricate process, and must be managed with the utmost care. I need time and space alone to organise everything. People expect me to respond to them daily, and there are social invites every few days, which complicate matters.

I've guilt tripped over the whole Christmas thing. I panicked about having to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy like others have described here, and was ready to go before being forced into that. But now I feel I should wait till that's all over so as not to ruin it for everyone. I've managed to drag myself through 16 suicidal years, I can manage a little bit longer, right? Pass the sedatives and alcohol.

 

[Caspers]

My dogs. I couldn't cause them the grief of losing me. And we recently got a puppy so my SN is just sitting there

 

[Stepheng7287]

My SN arrived last week after I had giving up hope from it being held in customs for so long. I think the long wait destroyed some of my motivation. I'm going to wait till the New Year now though to avoid ruining my family's holidays.

 

[lonerclown666]

very small hope

 

[12345]

My SN arrived last week after I had giving up hope from it being held in customs for so long. I think the long wait destroyed some of my motivation. I'm going to wait till the New Year now though to avoid ruining my family's holidays.

did u let it arrive to your home address?

 

[Sherri]

My family here on SS. That gives me the strength to carry on...

 

[YukiFox]

The first reason that I don`t catch the bus is the impact with my family, because we had 3 significant obituaries this year. I`ve lost my both parents, mom at february and dad at april. And my maternal aunt also died this year in june. So in theory the grief wounds are still fresh I guess. Imaging the impact of my death since I`m in a foreign country and my family will can`t afford the body carrier, my body will be rot in a random morgue here. That kind of consequences distrurbed me. At least this particular 2020.
The second and third ones are explained in a post that I called "Stereotypes". The stereotype of the suicidal writer, and the sterotype of the suicidal transgender.

 

[DockoftheBay]

if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it

There's a slim chance it might all turn out ok. I might just get through this. And my partner who doesn't deserve to have her life ruined.

 

[yive]

...nothing? my life is horrible.
in fact, fatigue holds me back. i don't even have the energy to prepare. if i had a quick method [like cyanide or a gun] that doesn't require preparation, i would already be dead

 

[12345]

...nothing? my life is horrible.
in fact, fatigue holds me back. i don't even have the energy to prepare. if i had a quick method [like cyanide or a gun] that doesn't require preparation, i would already be dead

Feeeels man :( its the fatigue that is a huge contributer simply by the fact i don't have normal energy levels vs other people

 

[sephlove]

Today I finally got most of what I needed.
I have to sort out some things and wrap up a few things.

Sometimes what keeps me is false hope. Catch is 'false' because I've been living in pain for what seems a century, and I know it will be decades of more pain. I can't help but cling onto it sometimes though - but it's fleeting. Gloom lurks just around the corner waiting for me.

Everyone who posted above is correct. When it's actually time to do it, it feels a bit surreal. Like wow it's happening. This is it, no going back. I've had it hit me when my SN finally arrived and thinking about dying is definitely not the same as actually going to die soon.

So for me, I know it will be very soon, just a matter of really sitting down and deciding when.

 

[Mer]

if you already have your way of ctb what keeps you from going through with it? it feels weird finally having the power to do it when i want to, like whats stopping me? i stopped wanting to live years ago and regret not ctb when i was able to, and now its like any day could be it

Well for me it's really just mainly three reasons.

1: I want to watch Soul, Disney's new movie that's coming out on Christmas day. I know, kinda silly, but I've been looking forward to this movie since it was first announced and I love Disney films overall. Plus, it involves death, kinda poetic in a slightly morbid way.

2: Survival instinct. In spite of my chronic pain and wanting to die, it's still extremely hard to fight my own instinct to live.

3: I'm reading a book I'd like to finish, along with writing a few things for friends and family that I'll leave behind for them.