Venting If work doesn't get less stressful, I'd rather CTB than quit

[unsaiddes]

I'm back again, unsurprisingly. Though I doubt many people remember me, I wasn't exactly a very notable member of this community.

Exactly as the title says; work is driving me off the deep end and I can't cope. I've been having severe IBS flare ups and heart palpitations as well as insomnia due to the increase in responsibility and work load forcibly put on me at my job. Every time a certain individual at my company goes on time off/vacation, this happens to me. I'm also in the process of moving, which isn't helping.

Without getting into it too much, I'm a very weak-willed, emotional, pushover of an individual. I'm also pretty young, and the people I work with intimidate me quite a bit. I'm too scared to ask for help, too scared to ask for less work, and far too scared to quit. I know for certain if I tried to do any of those things I would cry in front of my boss, which is too humiliating to risk.

I'm at the point where I'm more prepared to die than do anything to better this situation. My suicidal urges have been getting somewhat better the past few months, until I was hit with this and the thoughts came rushing back at a new intensity.

I don't want any harsh/tough love advice, or observations on how I must be incompetent and overdramatic. I'm plenty hard on myself as is. I just wanted to rant for a minute.

 

[probablyTime]

I relate heavily. Work is one of the biggest causes for me to want to ctb.

 

[020x]

It must be so stressful for you right now. I might not fully understand what you're feeling but it looks like you got too much pressure on you, like you said, a lot of responsibility + all the panic and anxiety because of the heart palpitations.

Not many people talk about it, but heart palpitations are totally normal when you're scared of the feeling itself so you constantly feel anxious and expect them to come back because you're so focused on them, so you feel each one that happens again. They won't kill you even if it feels like it.

I wanted to say something that's tough but I'll respect your choice of not wishing for that kind of advice.

Wishing you to be strong in this period and a rewarding relief later! Goodluck

 

[bedhead_baby]

You are absolutely not incompetent. I understand.

Work was so bad the last 2 months, I've been full on sobbing on my side of the building because I didn't know how to get it all done and I felt sick constantly. People kept leaving, I was alone. I hate asking for help as well. It absolutely will make those suicidal thoughts worse, it's not you.

I've also cried in front of bosses before, and yes it's very frustrating and embarrassing. I don't want to seem weak or incompetent, either. But you know what? If you push your mind and your body to the limit, you're going to start to crack. That is NOT weak. That is normal. That is other people taking advantage of how hard you work and what you're willing to take on. I also understand that well, and it's something I've had to work on recently. More often than not I still choose to do everything and do it alone.

Is there a way you could email about a schedule change, or request more help, so it won't be face to face? Or do you think that would still be too much? I don't know what would be best, as in my experience I did just have to get over it, but that's not great advice and I did get physically ill with anxiety and stress when quitting my first job. But what I DO know is that it CAN get better. Of course I can't guarantee it, but there are better jobs. Better people.

We're here to help and listen and support you. I'm confident you can get through it, and you're definitely feeling totally normal feelings. It's a lot and it's not your fault.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful being trapped in that situation but anyway best wishes, it sounds so exhausting what you have to endure.