If things go smoothly, I might enjoy the WORST years of my life!

[WornOutLife]

So, I'm trying to live in spite of still having suicidal days but today, I've come to a conclusion:

If I'm a good guy, manage to live on and some things go smoothly, I might enjoy the WORST years of my life!

Why do I say "worst"?

Well, I'm already 33 and I have very unhealthy habits and diet. Let's say I'm a mess lol

Thus, as you know, things only get worse at your +30s! Imagine when I'm 40 of 50!?

My 20s are not coming back so, no matter how much I start loving life, my WORST years are coming some way or another!

Well, we will see what happens but I needed to vent about this.

What do you think? Do you think your worst years are coming even though start to love life or maybe things will be just...awesome?

 

[jenepeuxdiremonnom]

I feel you: I feel like I'm wasting the decade I'm in.

I think age is one factor in the evaluation of worst/best/etc. Maybe some other factors/circumstances can weigh against it a bit. (And maybe not, I mean, life sucks.)

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I think my worst years was when I was 0-30, because now I'm not anymore so lost and mess what I have been. I'm almost "normal" nowadays, no bad depression, bad relationships or heavy drinking, so much less impulsive behaviour. Yes I want to die, but I'm not in dark place anymore.
My health is going down because my chronic pain and illness, but still.

 

[whywere]

Hi @WornOutLife first off I am 65, which is almost double your age. I say this Matt only for 1 reason, when I was in my 30's some people that worked with had houses, kids..etc, and I felt like a mess and/or loser. Then one day out of the blue it hit me that hey! Walter, live for you, help other people, but do NOT try and listen and/or judge myself. Heavens, it still took my time to figure it out, but I try to be happy if for no other reason than to see other people smile becasue of me (hopefully!) Now, Matt, lets see...1st) YOU are so kind and thoughtful to everyone here, are you a mess NOPE!!! 2nd) You have a enduring quality about yourself that as the decades go by you WILL look back and be proud not only of yourself.. BUT what you have done and part of the done aspect is helping other people. 3rd) I can say from life experience that I have had great times and 2 attempts (bad times) BUT..BUT the good times out weigh everything and I know that after reading all your posts that YOU WILL be AWESOME!!!!! All my best to you as I truly do consider you like a brother to me and YES you are AWESOME NOW!!!!!!! Walter

 

[Bat 17]

I'm living my worst years at the moment. I've just turned 45. Up to 43 I was reasonably happy and then in a few short months I lost my wife, my kids, my home, my sanity, (almost) my career, my friends, and (almost) my life - leaving me with permanent nerve damage in both legs and feet.

I spent most of 2020 in various hospitals, highlights including weeks of kidney dialysis and then 3.5 months sectioned, most of which on constant observations.

I'm now on 4 psychiatric medications as a result of which I now weigh 96kg (I'm 6'1). I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder too.

So yes, my 40s aren't turning out as I'd hoped and I think I have more difficult years ahead. However, I don't think that means that things can never get better or that my 50s and 60s will by definition be the worst.

What I've decided to do is just take things slowly and take small steps to recovery. For example, this year I am going to focus on trying to lose that weight (despite being on those drugs). Also try and get my job back together. Right now I just feel too shell shocked to be that social, and certainly to meet women, so I will just accept that and not worry about it too much. Hopefully things will get better and one day I can look back on these years as the worst!

So, I'm trying to live in spite of still having suicidal days but today, I've come to a conclusion:

If I'm a good guy, manage to live on and some things go smoothly, I might enjoy the WORST years of my life!

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You come across as a really great guy, charismatic, intelligent, caring. You have been through some tough times recently that's clear, but the future is unwritten as long as you can manage your BD and suicidal thoughts. At some point you should get out there and meet girls again, you don't have to tell them about CTB straight off because it will just scare them until they get to know you. But you are an awesome person and the future can be great for you.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hi @WornOutLife first off I am 65, which is almost double your age. I say this Matt only for 1 reason, when I was in my 30's some people that worked with had houses, kids..etc, and I felt like a mess and/or loser. Then one day out of the blue it hit me that hey! Walter, live for you, help other people, but do NOT try and listen and/or judge myself. Heavens, it still took my time to figure it out, but I try to be happy if for no other reason than to see other people smile becasue of me (hopefully!) Now, Matt, lets see...1st) YOU are so kind and thoughtful to everyone here, are you a mess NOPE!!! 2nd) You have a enduring quality about yourself that as the decades go by you WILL look back and be proud not only of yourself.. BUT what you have done and part of the done aspect is helping other people. 3rd) I can say from life experience that I have had great times and 2 attempts (bad times) BUT..BUT the good times out weigh everything and I know that after reading all your posts that YOU WILL be AWESOME!!!!! All my best to you as I truly do consider you like a brother to me and YES you are AWESOME NOW!!!!!!! Walter

Oh Walt, you're deffo the best!! Thank you so much for your words and wise advice!

I'm living my worst years at the moment. I've just turned 45. Up to 43 I was reasonably happy and then in a few short months I lost my wife, my kids, my home, my sanity, (almost) my career, my friends, and (almost) my life - leaving me with permanent nerve damage in both legs and feet.

I spent most of 2020 in various hospitals, highlights including weeks of kidney dialysis and then 3.5 months sectioned, most of which on constant observations.

I'm now on 4 psychiatric medications as a result of which I now weigh 96kg (I'm 6'1). I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder too.

So yes, my 40s aren't turning out as I'd hoped and I think I have more difficult years ahead. However, I don't think that means that things can never get better or that my 50s and 60s will by definition be the worst.

What I've decided to do is just take things slowly and take small steps to recovery. For example, this year I am going to focus on trying to lose that weight (despite being on those drugs). Also try and get my job back together. Right now I just feel too shell shocked to be that social, and certainly to meet women, so I will just accept that and not worry about it too much. Hopefully things will get better and one day I can look back on these years as the worst!

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You come across as a really great guy, charismatic, intelligent, caring. You have been through some tough times recently that's clear, but the future is unwritten as long as you can manage your BD and suicidal thoughts. At some point you should get out there and meet girls again, you don't have to tell them about CTB straight off because it will just scare them until they get to know you. But you are an awesome person and the future can be great for you.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with a lot right now. I wish things were easier!

Also, thank you very much for your words. You give me some hope! :)

I think my worst years was when I was 0-30, because now I'm not anymore so lost and mess what I have been. I'm almost "normal" nowadays, no bad depression, bad relationships or heavy drinking, so much less impulsive behaviour. Yes I want to die, but I'm not in dark place anymore.
My health is going down because my chronic pain and illness, but still.

Yes, that makes sense! I sometimes feel much wiser and calmer than in the past. I guess aging allows us to have more experience and improve some aspects of our lives? Anyway, I hope we don't go back to that "darkness" anymore!

I feel you: I feel like I'm wasting the decade I'm in.

I think age is one factor in the evaluation of worst/best/etc. Maybe some other factors/circumstances can weigh against it a bit. (And maybe not, I mean, life sucks.)

I wish time didn't exist at all! Why does everything have to age or get broken? lol. Nonsense world!

 

[rs929]

I mean, why couldn't you be 45 and date 25 year old women?
EDIT: I agree with @Albus Dumbledore , don't tell them you're bipolar and specially not suicidal!

 

[nopointofliving]

Hey Matt,

the worst is yet to come, but I don't need to feel the worst twice. I'm trying not to think about it. My strategy is surviving the moment till I can manage planning my CTB correctly.

 

[Red]

I guess it always seems like your best days are behind you when you feel like you're both struggling through life and feeling as though you're wasting time in one way or another...

I'm finding comfort in the cumulative experience and self confidence that age brings - I know myself very well and my coping skills have only gotten better, even though I buckle under the weight of it all from time to time.

My body may be crumbling but tbh I'd prefer that to my mind plus this place helps no end

 

[WornOutLife]

I guess it always seems like your best days are behind you when you feel like you're both struggling through life and feeling as though you're wasting time in one way or another...

I'm finding comfort in the cumulative experience and self confidence that age brings - I know myself very well and my coping skills have only gotten better, even though I buckle under the weight of it all from time to time.

My body may be crumbling but tbh I'd prefer that to my mind plus this place helps no end

Wise words!
I don't like many things about being older. However, when I look back on the past I'm like "Damn, what a fool I was!" lol.

We always have something new to learn and then gain more experience! :)

 

[FuneralCry]

I try not to think about the future too much and just deal with what is going on in the moment. I cannot imagine myself growing old and I dread the thought of it, I don't understand how people can live to be old and still feel content in life. I think my best days where when I was a very young child as I wasn't fully aware of the world. It does suck to be quite young and to feel like this, I feel so tired of life at 20. I just want to turn into a cat.

 

[whywere]

Wise words!
I don't like many things about being older. However, when I'm look back on the past I'm like "Damn, what a fool I was!" lol.

We always have something new to learn and then gain more experience! :)

HI! @WornOutLife !! You know Matt, I really think that you are so, so smart, and you just proved it again! I TOTALLY agree with you. Like most know, I am 65 years young and YES LIFE EXPERIENCE is only won by stumbling the life and making so MANY dumb mistakes and hopefully learning something from them all. Matt, you are truly a brother to me here in our global family!! All the best to you and have a great weekend!!!! Walter

 

[WornOutLife]

HI! @WornOutLife !! You know Matt, I really think that you are so, so smart, and you just proved it again! I TOTALLY agree with you. Like most know, I am 65 years young and YES LIFE EXPERIENCE is only won by stumbling the life and making so MANY dumb mistakes and hopefully learning something from them all. Matt, you are truly a brother to me here in our global family!! All the best to you and have a great weekend!!!! Walter

Haha you're right, Walt! Mistakes are unavoidable but they end up helping us to have a better future I guess!

Thank you very much for your kind words!

You certainly know a lot about life and is great to have you on SS!! Keep up the good work!!

Hugs and love,

Matt