Help If possible, interact ?

[Buh-bye!]

I have been having nightmares again. It's all about what happened in the past. It makes me really anxious and scared, my body goes cold. . These things i cannot talk to anyone about, i am alone, real alone for that. Which means they just stay in my head like many heavy objects that weigh me down in every aspect of my life. I can't even do anything on the path of recovery while my brain is so pessimistic and upset with all of it. While writing this piece you all are reading right now, i am breathing really fast and am constantly speaking out what i write so as to not let my head be alone with me.
The thing is i seem to feel lonely a lot, considering the fact i don't have anyone to share with. Not real people. I had a habit of just venting out to people, friends and friends but ever since the last two years that i have been isolated i don't have anyone for that purpose. First few months i managed but eventually this thing started to feel more and more upsetting. Now what hurts even more is that if i think of recovery, a life like this doesn't seem very worth it. I am above 18 so making friends at this age? You all know it's just not possible in some ways, Everybody already has their pals and i can't go back to the same people after 2 years. I don't even bother trying anything to change due to this fear of never finding them.

If there's an experience one could share, that would be a relief. Anything really since it's better than being with my own thoughts that are just not the thing i want at the moment.

Thankyou for reading my piece, be well people.
Damn it fucking hurts it hurts as hellllllllll fuckkkkkkkk. Where the fuck do i go what the fuck do i do>>?????? Her man, Her, I don't eant to sa it i don't want to say i am so distant from her that now even thinking about her makes me fucking crying out of utter hopoelessness what the fuck wass i thinking what the fuckkkkkkkkk. I fucking isolated myself for two years for the plan of suciide and i don't kill myself so now i have to live but what the fuck do i live for when it was all just a out HER. @ years of fucking isolation ruined me to the point i can't even make an attempt to make things better for me anymore i fuckingggggggggggggg want to do something about everything but i can't k i- her man.
( sorry for the vent being in this post too, can ignore that i suppose, just, i- made the wrong decisions over and over again really. fuck. Why do i even want to recover and can't just have the feeling of suicide back? )

 

[nobeertonight]

I am above 18 so making friends at this age? You all know it's just not possible in some ways, Everybody already has their pals and i can't go back to the same people after 2 years

It's really common to think that others are unreachable when you are isolated and alone. But I assure you even if it's harder it's very possible to make new friends. In regards to those you got away from 2 years ago keep in mind that people change and it isn't weird to hop out and back in a circle.

What kind of nightmares do you have? I'm not sure I can help but dreams and nightmares are really interesting to me, so please tell

 

[Buh-bye!]

Edit2: It isn't all on me though, i think i can cope with the fact that a massive deal of it was initiated by my parents, hell most of it was done by them. I can blame my current situation on them but, it's me who has to live so i don't see how blaming people instead of sheer acceptance will help me.

It's really common to think that others are unreachable when you are isolated and alone. But I assure you even if it's harder it's very possible to make new friends. In regards to those you got away from 2 years ago keep in mind that people change and it isn't weird to hop out and back in a circle.

What kind of nightmares do you have? I'm not sure I can help but dreams and nightmares are really interesting to me, so please tell

This feels so good that someone did reply. The first part of your comment does add some hope in me but i mean, i just can't have people back like the way they were with me before you know. That bond is just, so difficult to have back. It's ruined, everything really, but yeah, fuck.

Thanks for asking about them, they are usually about my past, as in, well most of it i can't type since it's sort of a traumatic thing, but i believe if you were to read about my vent above you could get a little bit of a glimpse into it? The nightmares are just those things coming back to me and a better present life for me.

It's really common to think that others are unreachable when you are isolated and alone. But I assure you even if it's harder it's very possible to make new friends. In regards to those you got away from 2 years ago keep in mind that people change and it isn't weird to hop out and back in a circle.

What kind of nightmares do you have? I'm not sure I can help but dreams and nightmares are really interesting to me, so please tell

Hey, just wanted to drop that, maybe, a very little chance i might be attempting to get back at things today, since you mentioned it's possible. I just might. wish me luck i guess, although i don't really think anything will go right with any of this at all. Everything sort of just feels very pessimistic and if i do talk to someone they'll know it's for my own benefit, selfishness and not to be-friends again sort of a thing, i mean i do want to but they'll then ask why'd i go away from everything in the first place i suppose. So it's really fucked up but i'll just try what i can. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Very slight chance of that today.

 

[nobeertonight]

i just can't have people back like the way they were with me before you know

Do they really have to be? Even if it's different will it be a bad thing?

Hey, just wanted to drop that, maybe, a very little chance i might be attempting to get back at things today, since you mentioned it's possible. I just might. wish me luck i guess, although i don't really think anything will go right with any of this at all. Everything sort of just feels very pessimistic and if i do talk to someone they'll know it's for my own benefit, selfishness and not to be-friends again sort of a thing, i mean i do want to but they'll then ask why'd i go away from everything in the first place i suppose. So it's really fucked up but i'll just try what i can. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Very slight chance of that today

I'm glad

 

[Buh-bye!]

Do they really have to be? Even if it's different will it be a bad thing?



I'm glad

I mean, social isolation is only making me worse mate. I am getting vile, insane and extreme thoughts in my mind. I am being someone i never thought i could be.