fleetingnight
incapable of shutting up
- May 2, 2024
- 570
If my bank account hits zero, I'll have no choice but to end things. I don't want to say the number, but it's dangerously close.
It's not even that bad, compared to other people's circumstances. My parents are too nice and let me live with them, and pay for my bills and meals. But it's already so humiliating letting them do all that, especially after what an awful kid I was and what an unfriendly adult I am. I feel bad about how my death affects them, but that's the thing- I can't take anymore feeling bad, for myself or anyone else. I'll be dead then, so I'll finally stop feeling guilty.
If I it hits zero before anyone hires me, I'll have to hang myself. I can't stand the feeling of things cutting off my breath, because of a past trauma, but I really can't afford to die any other way, so I'm going go out terrified, crying, and regretful. I might fail, but I really have no other choice.
I hope it doesn't come to that. I want to go when I want to, not when I'm forced to. But I can't take any more pain and humiliation than I already do every day.
Of course, this could all be an empty promise. Above all else, I'm a total fucking coward.
It's not even that bad, compared to other people's circumstances. My parents are too nice and let me live with them, and pay for my bills and meals. But it's already so humiliating letting them do all that, especially after what an awful kid I was and what an unfriendly adult I am. I feel bad about how my death affects them, but that's the thing- I can't take anymore feeling bad, for myself or anyone else. I'll be dead then, so I'll finally stop feeling guilty.
If I it hits zero before anyone hires me, I'll have to hang myself. I can't stand the feeling of things cutting off my breath, because of a past trauma, but I really can't afford to die any other way, so I'm going go out terrified, crying, and regretful. I might fail, but I really have no other choice.
I hope it doesn't come to that. I want to go when I want to, not when I'm forced to. But I can't take any more pain and humiliation than I already do every day.
Of course, this could all be an empty promise. Above all else, I'm a total fucking coward.
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