Discussion If it's going good I HAVE TO sabotage my recovery because feeling good feels uncomfortable. Anyone else?

[przeciwwymiotne]

I'd go 20 days doing meditation, going to university, sauna, long walks (can't work out cuz I'm disabled) and all of the sudden I'll be like:
"I deserve a vacation from this healthy lifestyle, imma go back to being fucked up for a while"

And then I just lay in bed, fail exams, find excuses to stay home and watch YouTube, AND ROT. I love and hate the rot. Idk why

Paying attention to recovery is tiring. Trying is hard.

I have to manage my disability and can't get over how unfair this is. I can't, I think I was pampered too much when I was healthy.

 

[Dot]

I'd go 20 days doing meditation, going to university, sauna, long walks (can't work out cuz I'm disabled) and all of the sudden I'll be like:
"I deserve a vacation from this healthy lifestyle, imma go back to being fucked up for a while"

And then I just lay in bed, fail exams, find excuses to stay home and watch YouTube, AND ROT. I love and hate the rot. Idk why

Paying attention to recovery is tiring. Trying is hard.

I have to manage my disability and can't get over how unfair this is. I can't, I think I was pampered too much when I was healthy.

Cld b bcse u mght b conditnd t/ fl uncmfrtble - s/ feelmg comfrtble ds nt fl 'sfe'

Recvry & feelng gd oftn allws unconscs thghts & fears t/ cme up & tht = oftn whre th/ hardr wrk cld b

Cld also b tht u r workng 2wrds smethng tht dp dwn u d/ nt wnt or fr th/ wrng reasns

Cld b wrth talkng wth therpst or try sme journlng & C whthr n.ethng cmes up

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

Same I've had an issue like this for a long time, also weirdly I have this strange thing where if I get something good but in a way that feels "too lucky" I'll undo the thing to see if I could've achieved it without luck because I dont like the feeling that I only got something crucially helpful due to pure chance. It's also hard to implement good habits when it feels worthless and I'm a little scared if I feel too good I'll lose motivation to CTB so I'm just maintaining myself, making sure I don't get worse by staying away from bad things like drugs but at the same time I'm not actively improving my life either.

 

[Hotsackage]

I only do those things, to relax, no way I'm doing them to recover, cause that's not happening

 

[fitwhatsthepoint]

I second that! I also am having troubles keeping it cool when I'm not in a crisis. It often feels uncomfortable, but not always and I think there's a way around it. In my case it's also ruminating, but also any other unpleasant emotional state that I can't deal with in a healthy way. Usually anger and loneliness. They're my triggers.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I second that! I also am having troubles keeping it cool when I'm not in a crisis. It often feels uncomfortable, but not always and I think there's a way around it. In my case it's also ruminating, but also any other unpleasant emotional state that I can't deal with in a healthy way. Usually anger and loneliness. They're my triggers.

What do you think could be the way around it?

I only do those things, to relax, no way I'm doing them to recover, cause that's not happening

What else are you doing to relax? I find it really hard having known a lot of pain and having experienced death (nearly). It's like it's always lurking around the corner