Discussion if i was there

[resteasy3232]

i've been struggling ever since my girlfriend passed away. we weren't together for long, but i'd known her for three years. she had schizophrenia, and she drank SN impulsively. i was on the phone with her when she passed. she was so small, maybe 90 pounds, and she was upset over eating, or thats what i was told by her before she passed. i keep thinking about how i could have stopped it. if i had woken up earlier, called her, and made sure she didn't drink the poison. if i had been there, if i hadn't stayed up the night before, if i had spent more time with her—maybe i could have saved her. i blame myself for everything, even though people keep telling me not to. the guilt is overwhelming.

she was such an angel, and i just feel like i could have prevented this. i don't know how to deal with it. she loved snow, lights, and christmas. she adored the holidays, but now i don't know how to celebrate any of it without feeling this deep sadness and guilt. how am i supposed to go on with my life? all i can think about is her—every hour of every day. i keep wondering how i could have changed things. i miss her so much.

i have an interview coming up soon with a reporter about her passing. i won't mention this site or anything related to it, but I plan on posting more from now on.

thank you everyone for your kind words