If I had been normal

[Mr.Tristesse]

Generally when someone dies very young their loved ones are forced to wonder how their lives would have developed.

What would they be like? What would they be doing? Who would they be loving?

As my existence has been essentially a living death I am forced to ponder the same questions as to what my life would have been if I had been normal instead of the autistic freak that I am.

Where would I be living? What work would I be doing? Who might I be loving? Would I know what health and happiness and peace be like?

I am perpetually tormented and all I can do is imagine and even that requires a lot of strain. I'll never know the answers to these questions. But perhaps for the me that had the misfortune to exist its better not to know...

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this,I hope you find some clarity soon and peace.

 

[mahoganyswan]

i can't say i'm in the same boat as we all have different experiences, but i can say i'm in a similar situation - these sort of questions run through my head all the time. and i'm sorry that you're tormented by this. i wish everyone could be born with the same abilities, same ability to process, same ability to connect with others - but unfortunately that isn't how it is, and it leaves those that draw the metaphorical short stick to deal with things like this. i wish you the best.

 

[Pluto]

 

[The Disqualified]

Generally when someone dies very young their loved ones are forced to wonder how their lives would have developed.

What would they be like? What would they be doing? Who would they be loving?

As my existence has been essentially a living death I am forced to ponder the same questions as to what my life would have been if I had been normal instead of the autistic freak that I am.

Where would I be living? What work would I be doing? Who might I be loving? Would I know what health and happiness and peace be like?

I am perpetually tormented and all I can do is imagine and even that requires a lot of strain. I'll never know the answers to these questions. But perhaps for the me that had the misfortune to exist its better not to know...

I relate to your words, deeply so. I feel them aching inside me. I also can't imagine what my life would be like as a normal person. In fact, just observing others and interacting with them makes this point painfully clear. They live normal lives. Normal jobs. Normal school. Normal experiences. Normal social life. Normal love life. They are something else. I can't imagine really. But that is because I am completely alienated from society, and society is alienated from me.
I really empathize with you. You are free to message me if you wish. Sending best wishes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's so difficult to know really but then- we only truly know our own experience. We may know people who have it far easier than us but then also- far worse. Would they be doing better if they had our lives?

Maybe we would do better if certain things eased up for us. But then- I imagine that's because there would be a marked difference in how we felt.

I tend to think- if I do have things wrong, it's more likely I have the milder versions- thankfully for me. I wouldn't say I was all together happy or grateful though. I also know others in a similar position- who also feel stuck in life.

Once we have some attributes- better mental health say- we'll start to compare ourselves unfavourably to those who came from loving, supportive families or wealth. That becomes the new reason why we can't be who we hoped to.

That's not to belittle how you feel. There absolutely are people who got such a raw deal in life. I just wonder if having some of these attributes would in fact fix everything.

Maybe most importantly of all is our attitude. It's probably that I noticed about life- that optimists do seem to do better. Even if they have things holding them back. I suppose people with a negative outlook will always be focussing on and anticipating the worst. Me included- I do wonder how life would feel with more optimism and more confidence.