Ber0
Quiet
- Dec 27, 2020
- 49
idk I just wanted to post my feelings somewhere. Somehow things always get worse, and everything I love breaks or ends. And the more I try to fix it, the more it breaks. I'm not living, it's just constant stress and pain and sadness. Everytime I drive, each pole I pass just feels like a missed opportunity. I've been drinking more to try to get out of my head, but it only makes the emotions worse. I think about my mistakes and lost friends every day. Things got so much worse, like 2-3x worse. I bought SN and gave myself alcohol poisoning when trying to leave after I did something which I consider to be against my morals, I just felt like sht to condense 50k words into one sentence. I fked that up too, I guess I didn't necessarily want to die. I just felt so alone and I was in so much pain. I wanted the pain to stop. And while I was closing my eyes, it felt really peaceful, like I could finally just sleep, like everything was out of my hands.
I went to a ward, not voluntarily, but it was a really good experience, my mental state improved to an extremely high degree where it hadn't been in months, felt like some Psycho Pass sht haha. I got sight of what was important in life again, and I filled an entire journal of like 60 pages with my thoughts and feelings. I was ready to go out and to face my problems and keep the friends I cared about. But I wasn't genuine, I kept things from people so they didn't cause them any discomfort or pain. I let myself drown for others to be happy. I hurt myself because I couldn't bring myself to be honest. My closest friend, she hurt me again. That was ok, I could handle that. Relationships hurt, it happens. But after that, she emotionally stabbed me in the back. I went out of my way to try and get answers to what had happened between us, I wanted to talk about it. She was avoiding, telling me her mental state wasn't well. I told her I'd go out of my way to help her but at some point I wanted to talk in the future. So that night, I just tried to comfort her, I told her she could call if she needed. She did, we talked for a bit. Then said goodnight. The next day, I found out from a close friend that she was lying about the things I was saying and doing to gain sympathy and comfort from others. The kind of situation where my friend goes "That doesn't sound like the x I know" I sent the screenshots of my interaction, he sent his. I felt emotionally dead inside. No one talks anymore, the whole group is fractured. I still hangout with two-three of my friends and we have fun but the absence of the other 2 are noticeably painful for me. On and off the last few months between taking breaks and trying to come back. I tried to prepare her for me to be out of her life because I thought cutting them out was the right thing to do. But then I started to feel better, and I can leave their mistakes in the past. But I'm trying to fix it for them and I think I can't. I think it's too late. And everyone says it's too late. I'm leaving out so many details of what happened so I'm sorry, this isn't really doing it justice. I forgive my friend for what they did, I know why they did what they did. They remind me a lot of me. People say to cut them off, but I just don't feel that way. But I did prepare them to be out of my life. And I came back and asked them how they felt. They tell me they still care, they've missed me every day and regret what they've done. But our conversations fall into silence now and although they won't admit it, I created that understanding that "I'm not gonna comfort you or be there, I need to part ways". And I'm trying hard to fix it. I'm trying to fix it for them, and for myself. It just can't end like this. Both people say something means so much to them, then how can it end in silence.
If I can't fix the one thing I cared about most in my life so far, I just don't care. I'm putting all my time and effort and emotion into this. I'm trying to break down the barriers I put up when I pushed them away, break through this silence. Tell them my thoughts, my heart, my feelings. But I'm letting fear dictate what I say and do, and I feel like I'm confusing them. And it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and it keeps falling to silence.
I'm gonna try as hard as I can until I get a definitive answer to this situation. My life is technically good but I'm not good. I have everything I could want. I'm in good condition, mostly. 5'8, 150lb. I lost 30lb in the last 6m. I have a therapist and we have a relationship like best friends. I have a phone, car, computer, 0 debts, a good side job, a good main job as a journalist, I have lots of free time and a really healthy work/life balance. I've reached all the goals I've set. I try to help people where I can in life. I play games, make music, sing. I have parents that love me, and friends. But I'm just not happy. I've been eating more sugar to try to feel good. Drinking more to numb things, and I just feel worse. I know I should be grateful but I just can't. I wish I could give one of you here my life so you could make the most of it and be happy. But I just can't do this. And all that remains is more pain. More mistakes. More failures. Hearing about problems my friends will run into, eventually losing my parents. I just don't want to be around anymore. I just want it to end.
But I know that when I'm thinking right, I don't "want" to die as a human, but I just want the pain to stop. But I can't have life without pain. And so in the impulsive moments where I finally get the courage to drink or take pills or feel properly like ending things. It's not enough because I always have second thoughts, drinking takes too long. The SN honestly freaks me out a bit and I fked it up last time by drinking first. I still sleep with a knife and SN below my pillow just so I can feel comfort though. But I know that I need something just as impulsive and quick if I'm going to actually succeed. I placed an order for a handgun online about 3w ago. But the shop owner missed the delivery and it was tried to be delivered 3 times and every single time they kept missing it. so they refunded me and sent it back. Maybe that's a sign that of all the places, of all the people, somehow I missed being able to get a weapon 3 times from this place due to some weird delivery fk up. But I'm just done caring, I'm done looking for excuses to keep going. I placed a new order and changed the shop owner. I'm aware of BG checks but mental health records are mostly protected and I'll lie on the form about the ward. They don't investigate properly anyways. No harm in trying. I'm gonna see my Dad a last time in October and I plan on leaving on October 29th. It's always felt fitting to me to leave on my birthday. It just makes sense. I think of my last Birthday, and I guess that between then and now, I really did try hard. I was happy, I thought I knew what to do in life. I was the happiest in life in February. I was really happy. But it didn't last. I don't have a full plan but I'll make a proper will this time, give instructions + PW to all my accounts/email/social media. I'll write a letter to my parents, my best friend, and say goodbye to the ones I have left. I guess I'd like to go somewhere quiet, maybe in nature, like a forest or something. Anyways, I guess that's it. I'll still keep trying to fix things and see if I can, but idk. It just feels like I should quit.
I went to a ward, not voluntarily, but it was a really good experience, my mental state improved to an extremely high degree where it hadn't been in months, felt like some Psycho Pass sht haha. I got sight of what was important in life again, and I filled an entire journal of like 60 pages with my thoughts and feelings. I was ready to go out and to face my problems and keep the friends I cared about. But I wasn't genuine, I kept things from people so they didn't cause them any discomfort or pain. I let myself drown for others to be happy. I hurt myself because I couldn't bring myself to be honest. My closest friend, she hurt me again. That was ok, I could handle that. Relationships hurt, it happens. But after that, she emotionally stabbed me in the back. I went out of my way to try and get answers to what had happened between us, I wanted to talk about it. She was avoiding, telling me her mental state wasn't well. I told her I'd go out of my way to help her but at some point I wanted to talk in the future. So that night, I just tried to comfort her, I told her she could call if she needed. She did, we talked for a bit. Then said goodnight. The next day, I found out from a close friend that she was lying about the things I was saying and doing to gain sympathy and comfort from others. The kind of situation where my friend goes "That doesn't sound like the x I know" I sent the screenshots of my interaction, he sent his. I felt emotionally dead inside. No one talks anymore, the whole group is fractured. I still hangout with two-three of my friends and we have fun but the absence of the other 2 are noticeably painful for me. On and off the last few months between taking breaks and trying to come back. I tried to prepare her for me to be out of her life because I thought cutting them out was the right thing to do. But then I started to feel better, and I can leave their mistakes in the past. But I'm trying to fix it for them and I think I can't. I think it's too late. And everyone says it's too late. I'm leaving out so many details of what happened so I'm sorry, this isn't really doing it justice. I forgive my friend for what they did, I know why they did what they did. They remind me a lot of me. People say to cut them off, but I just don't feel that way. But I did prepare them to be out of my life. And I came back and asked them how they felt. They tell me they still care, they've missed me every day and regret what they've done. But our conversations fall into silence now and although they won't admit it, I created that understanding that "I'm not gonna comfort you or be there, I need to part ways". And I'm trying hard to fix it. I'm trying to fix it for them, and for myself. It just can't end like this. Both people say something means so much to them, then how can it end in silence.
If I can't fix the one thing I cared about most in my life so far, I just don't care. I'm putting all my time and effort and emotion into this. I'm trying to break down the barriers I put up when I pushed them away, break through this silence. Tell them my thoughts, my heart, my feelings. But I'm letting fear dictate what I say and do, and I feel like I'm confusing them. And it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and it keeps falling to silence.
I'm gonna try as hard as I can until I get a definitive answer to this situation. My life is technically good but I'm not good. I have everything I could want. I'm in good condition, mostly. 5'8, 150lb. I lost 30lb in the last 6m. I have a therapist and we have a relationship like best friends. I have a phone, car, computer, 0 debts, a good side job, a good main job as a journalist, I have lots of free time and a really healthy work/life balance. I've reached all the goals I've set. I try to help people where I can in life. I play games, make music, sing. I have parents that love me, and friends. But I'm just not happy. I've been eating more sugar to try to feel good. Drinking more to numb things, and I just feel worse. I know I should be grateful but I just can't. I wish I could give one of you here my life so you could make the most of it and be happy. But I just can't do this. And all that remains is more pain. More mistakes. More failures. Hearing about problems my friends will run into, eventually losing my parents. I just don't want to be around anymore. I just want it to end.
But I know that when I'm thinking right, I don't "want" to die as a human, but I just want the pain to stop. But I can't have life without pain. And so in the impulsive moments where I finally get the courage to drink or take pills or feel properly like ending things. It's not enough because I always have second thoughts, drinking takes too long. The SN honestly freaks me out a bit and I fked it up last time by drinking first. I still sleep with a knife and SN below my pillow just so I can feel comfort though. But I know that I need something just as impulsive and quick if I'm going to actually succeed. I placed an order for a handgun online about 3w ago. But the shop owner missed the delivery and it was tried to be delivered 3 times and every single time they kept missing it. so they refunded me and sent it back. Maybe that's a sign that of all the places, of all the people, somehow I missed being able to get a weapon 3 times from this place due to some weird delivery fk up. But I'm just done caring, I'm done looking for excuses to keep going. I placed a new order and changed the shop owner. I'm aware of BG checks but mental health records are mostly protected and I'll lie on the form about the ward. They don't investigate properly anyways. No harm in trying. I'm gonna see my Dad a last time in October and I plan on leaving on October 29th. It's always felt fitting to me to leave on my birthday. It just makes sense. I think of my last Birthday, and I guess that between then and now, I really did try hard. I was happy, I thought I knew what to do in life. I was the happiest in life in February. I was really happy. But it didn't last. I don't have a full plan but I'll make a proper will this time, give instructions + PW to all my accounts/email/social media. I'll write a letter to my parents, my best friend, and say goodbye to the ones I have left. I guess I'd like to go somewhere quiet, maybe in nature, like a forest or something. Anyways, I guess that's it. I'll still keep trying to fix things and see if I can, but idk. It just feels like I should quit.
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