Venting Idk what to do

[Ethernatuskoi]

As the title says, I don't know what I should do. I recently got money and can buy the SN and the necessary medications for ctb. My original idea was to ctb in mid-2025, but I know that until then, I will have to deal with a lot of shit, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm not ready... Does anyone else feel this way, undecided ?

 

[wren-briar]

I was somewhat undecided for decades (i.e. I knew I wanted to CTB, and asked myself every single day whether I could keep going, and the answer was, I can make it today).

If you're undecided - live! Seriously. Write out your bucket list and start working through it. Set long term goals and make progress toward them. Etc. Etc. I'm certainly not saying that living is easy or fun, but, if you're in doubt about life, give it a chance until you are sure.

For me, when I knew, I knew. Now it's just a matter of making it happen successfully for me. But for you, it sounds like you have doubts, so do what you can to live, until there is no doubt.

 

[Leiot]

If you're not 100% sure then definitely live. Sometimes I think we're better off than the rest of the population. Think about it: most people just go through life not really thinking about the alternative. Even when I'm down, I choose to live.

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

If you're undecided - live! Seriously.

I'm not going to lie, I really want to live, but part of me doesn't. It's a duality. If I live, I know that I will have to go through a lot of shit, a lot of unpleasant situations, deal with my unstable mind and bad feelings and other frustrations most of the time. I really don't want to continue living like this, but I have no medical, clinical, family, or even friends' support at the moment. I'm dealing with all the shit pretty much alone and I only come to vent every now and then here on the forum. I also don't have money to pay for adequate treatments, and I've seen other people in the same situation as me, where no one cares and there's no way to take care of themselves properly.

So I think that if I were to continue living like this, it would be better to die, even though part of me doesn't want that. And to make matters worse, my reasons and frustrations are relatively "futile" things, but they affect me a lot and make me feel really bad, to the point of crying sometimes. I don't have a great motivation, such as eviction, dismissal from a job, extreme poverty, abuse, among others... I didn't want to have to go to ctb for reasons considered so "futile", but I really don't feel like dealing with with no frustration...

Anyway, sorry for the long answer. I needed to say this.

Even when I'm down, I choose to live

Unfortunately, when I'm really down, I think about ctb to permanently end the pain and don't feel nothing anymore, or at least, I hope to be able to end it....

 

[wren-briar]

First and foremost, your reasons are not futile! They are clearly important to you and that's what matters

... I have no medical, clinical, family, or even friends' support at the moment. ... I also don't have money to pay for adequate treatments, and I've seen other people in the same situation as me, where no one cares and there's no way to take care of themselves properly.

If you feel safe doing so, and even then still keeping it very vague and general, can you tell us where you're at? Maybe we can help find resources to help you get the care that you need.

Unfortunately, when I'm really down, I think about ctb to permanently end the pain and don't feel nothing anymore, or at least, I hope to be able to end it....

When you do know, it's probably going to be going through your head non-stop and the anhedonia is next level.

However, I also spent a lot of time thinking about CTB, even as I was doing what I could to live. So, just because you're thinking of it, heck, just because you might dream about it, that doesn't mean that it's time.

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

First and foremost, your reasons are not futile! They are clearly important to you and that's what matters

Yes, you are right. I think all reasons are valid, including mine.

If you feel safe doing so, and even then still keeping it very vague and general, can you tell us where you're at? Maybe we can help find resources to help you get the care that you need.

I appreciate that, but I prefer to leave things as they are. I've been like this for about 5-6 years, and I think I can hold on for a while longer, until the time comes, and I feel like it will be soon, because I still feel bad and miserable most of the time. I admit that I regret not taking ctb when I had the chance, and I can't keep putting it off. If I don't do it at the end of this year, soon, I'll do it next year, I think I can handle it. Anyway, thanks for offering help.

the anhedonia is next level.

I feel this way. I lost interest in many things I liked, or maybe, I never liked so many things in the first place. I even lost interest in my college, which was something I really liked and was interested in. There are few things that keep me entertained, and to make matters worse, I don't have the motivation or willpower to look for new activities. So, in the end, I came to the conclusion that I am a lost cause.