If you're undecided - live! Seriously.
I'm not going to lie, I really want to live, but part of me doesn't. It's a duality. If I live, I know that I will have to go through a lot of shit, a lot of unpleasant situations, deal with my unstable mind and bad feelings and other frustrations most of the time. I really don't want to continue living like this, but I have no medical, clinical, family, or even friends' support at the moment. I'm dealing with all the shit pretty much alone and I only come to vent every now and then here on the forum. I also don't have money to pay for adequate treatments, and I've seen other people in the same situation as me, where no one cares and there's no way to take care of themselves properly.
So I think that if I were to continue living like this, it would be better to die, even though part of me doesn't want that. And to make matters worse, my reasons and frustrations are relatively "futile" things, but they affect me a lot and make me feel really bad, to the point of crying sometimes. I don't have a great motivation, such as eviction, dismissal from a job, extreme poverty, abuse, among others... I didn't want to have to go to ctb for reasons considered so "futile", but I really don't feel like dealing with with no frustration...
Anyway, sorry for the long answer. I needed to say this.
Even when I'm down, I choose to live
Unfortunately, when I'm really down, I think about ctb to permanently end the pain and don't feel nothing anymore, or at least, I hope to be able to end it....