Nothing is working out. I really don't know where my life is heading. Tried to confide in my boyfriend but I it just made everything worse. Idk why I did that I shouldn't have ik. I told him that in the situation I am in, i am the happiest I am going to be for a long long time so I should just die rn as long as I am somewhat happy. He first tried to talk me out of the idea but then founded comfort in the thought itself ig. He was trying to motivate me first but after what I said he agreed with me and told me that he is going to kill himself before me and he is impulsive and with a bottle of poison (idk what kind) and he just actually might do that. Ik I had the idea and all but frankly I don't want him to die before me. I can't live with knowing that the loml died before me. Would try to do other methods like hanging or jumping but they just doesn't feel as permanent as the posion. I just wanna feel in control during my last times and hanging or jumping seems like something I can have a full control over. Ugh I just wish he had gave me that poison. I really don't have any other way to find something lethal which is guaranteed to kill me without much suffering. Lol idk why it's so funny that so many people die when they don't wanna and when people do wanna die they can't. So ironic.
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