Venting Idk if I’ll ever ctb but I’m happy it’s an option

[pinkribbonscars]

I've had thoughts of ctb since I was 11 or 12. I'm 29 now. Every time I've gotten close I've always held off. To quote Tracy Chapman, "I always hoped for better." I wanted to live. It just felt nice having an option on the off chance I couldn't.

Today I got fired. I was overworked at an understaffed group home. Scheduled 7 days in a row. In late Mah/early June. I was hoping to take classes and advance in the company. I just so happened to get little sleep on the fourth and didn't even want to be there. I didn't watch the fireworks. What was the point in joining in on people having fun when I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself?

It also just so happens that I laid on the couch and nodded off for 45 minutes. No one tried to wake me (but my clients I guess). I got sent home early because I was stressed and expressed how I couldn't go on working in this position anymore. Tho I guess I can't blame them for not checking in on my well being. I could of called out. I violated company policy. My hopes to advance and use this job as a gateway to something better? Tarnished. References lost. And it's my fault. I deserve it.

I had a mental break down at the office today when I got fired. I mentioned how I wish I could just fucking kill myself. 991 called, I say fuck it yes I am considering ending my own life, I have an anti histamine pill for anxiety because doctors are useless. Weirdly I told them I have a plan but I promised I wouldn't and they made me do some bs safety plan that wasn't helpful to cover their ass and then sent me home. I told them I didn't want to go to a hospital. Glad they didn't.

I guess I'm just an attention seeker and not serious about ctb. But why not. I'll try the psychiatric hoops. I'll see if it helps. If it doesn't I know how to do partial drop suspension hanging, which is my ideal way to ctb. Gonna drink Jameson. But maybe I'll continue to live in this shithole.

My only reasons for living are my sister, and also that I don't want to accept defeat. I want to rebel against the absurd. But fuck it. I no longer care. My sister will just have to deal with it and if she joins with me, it's the risk I take and I hope I see her on the other side.

Maybe I'll come out of this happy and loving life. Maybe I'll finally do it. It feels good to vent. I dunno

 

[Xyla]

vent, and vent as much as you need, okay? showing weakness and vulnerabilities is a sign of strength, and it's a really brave thing in my opinion.

i also recommend letting your tears and emotions flow out. it's okay to fall down in life, and it's alright to cry and to be emotional. though, i think you're brave for sharing all this.

 

[pinkribbonscars]

vent, and vent as much as you need, okay? showing weakness and vulnerabilities is a sign of strength, and it's a really brave thing in my opinion.

i also recommend letting your tears and emotions flow out. it's okay to fall down in life, and it's alright to cry and to be emotional. though, i think you're brave for sharing all this.

I don't feel brave at all. I feel like those manipulative bastards who threaten to kill themselves when their partner breaks up. My angle wasn't to force them to get me my job back tho. I violated company policy. They followed the rules. They were just doing their job. I merely felt I had nothing to lose as I was already fired and I had my chance to share the thoughts that had worming through my brain for months.

I wish I would of stayed quiet. But I'm getting help now I guess. Now that I have free time I can visit my friends out of town to clear my mind. If none of these things work I built great memories before deciding to ctb.

 

[Xyla]

I don't feel brave at all. I feel like those manipulative bastards who threaten to kill themselves when their partner breaks up. My angle wasn't to force them to get me my job back tho. I violated company policy. They followed the rules. They were just doing their job. I merely felt I had nothing to lose as I was already fired and I had my chance to share the thoughts that had worming through my brain for months.

I wish I would of stayed quiet. But I'm getting help now I guess. Now that I have free time I can visit my friends out of town to clear my mind. If none of these things work I built great memories before deciding to ctb.

well, you're atleast brave in my eyes :)
and anyhow, it makes me really happy knowing you're starting to feel better. stay safe, okay?