idgaf but anything but also i care so much that it's killing me

[monetpompo]

everybody around me is changing. i'm the same, just worse and more depressed. everyone's talking about their goals, life plans, moving out of their parents' house and having an apartment. i'm nothing. i don't care that i'm nothing, i care that everyone is perceiving me and secretly judging me and being disappointed that i'm nothing while they go on to do stuff with their life. it makes me resent everyone. i don't even like being here because i don't have the energy to talk to anyone, and i know that all my posts are whiny and repetitive (not fishing for compliments, i know they're repetitive).

i feel like i never had potential in the first place. i'm sick of people telling me i have potential or that i'm young because i don't care if 20 is young, i lost whatever potential i had and no one in my life is encouraging me to keep going. no one can even make me feel better. all i want to do is jerk off and sleep because nothing makes me happy. i'm not talented at anything and i have no motivation to do something i'm bad at to try to get good at it because i beat myself up whenever i fail over and over at something i'm learning. i feel tortured by my mindset and nothing i do is calming besides being unconscious. i just dwell on things or stare into space thinking about old memories if i'm not watching a youtube video or playing a game. i don't like playing games much either. i've never really had any hobbies. when i get as depressed as this and have nothing to be doing i kind of always shut down and lay in bed for hours instead of moving.

knowing that my parents and friends think i'm wasting my days away not going to college and not getting a job makes me want to die more than i already do. i hate admitting to the way i feel or even trying to express how i feel because people will make it about them or how it's wrong for me to think this way. i really don't care if my friends still want me around or if my parents would be upset if i died. no one cares if i want to die and no one wants to talk about how i've been wanting to die for months now. i wish i could be put down like a dog and have everybody feel sorry for me because i have something so wrong with me that i can be euthanized. humans don't die with as much dignity as dogs do. we have to struggle and writhe and push past the fear of death to be able to die when we want to.

i don't care about what happens to me at all when i die or what happens to me in the period before i die. all i care about is how everyone in my life just seems to think i'm a loser because someone my age should be in college still. i honestly don't even want to go to college. i don't want to get a degree. i don't want to get a job. everything is pointless and i feel like everyone in my life expects me to find ways to distract myself to temporarily feel happy until i die. i wish that i could go to a hospital and hand a nurse all the money in my wallet for her to strange me to death in one of the rooms.

 

[Chemi]

I read this, and it hit really close to home. I feel exactly the same way most days, no real ambitions, no energy for goals or any of that stuff everyone else seems to be chasing. Just existing feels exhausting, and the judgment from people around us makes it all heavier. You're not alone in feeling like this. I get it completely. We just aren't compatible with their world.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

We just aren't compatible with their world.

I'd have to disagree, I have tried to be compatible and it didn't work but the people around me or society have never tried in any way to accommodate me. So I honestly think it's the other way around, they aren't compatible with us and neither do they want to be.

What good am I to society in general for them to even try, can they get anything out of me? No. Because for them that's all that matters, for me to be a custom made pizza. I am vegan, I am antiporn, I'm trans and aroace so they can't use me like a toy or porn category on demand, they have to risk jail time for that and there are people who would. I don't like this capitalistic system and how it promotes hyper individualism and many more things. I'm against hyper processed foods and big retail companies. I'm basically antithetic to normal society which embraces it's hedonism and consumption of other living breathing beings which include people, which includes every age demographic.

What I can do without totally compromising myself to prove "my worth to society"? nothing.

Is it any wonder that so many women and men who were abused turn to their own exploitation as adults? it's a way of control, as much control as a dog bone has over a dog, but it's something that they didn't have before and something that I too have felt before.

That was a bit of a diversion from OP's rant.
For OP I relate to you a lot, when I'm not listening to music, sleeping or playing games, I'm pretty much at the mercy of my memories and thoughts, the people around us don't get it, everyone is happy go lucky around me except a few people who kind of mentally checked out and are already old. What good would something like college even do to a person like me? not only is my country transphobic, I don't have money, patience or motivation for college. For people like us there is nothing, no UBI, no place to stay and get your head together or find something special like volunteering with pay or anything that is fulfilling, it's all paper pushing from the top down. People don't care, they are either on drugs all the time or are just coming from caring and loving families which I can't relate. I can't remember the last time either of my parents hugged me and it not being a form of manipulation.

I have no auto pilot hobby that I want to do, games don't really cut it anymore and I can't find any motivation to learn something new, so when that happens, I'm just stuck the way you are, reminiscing and ruminating all my thoughts all at once. And while I came to term with a good part of them, they still hurt.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Sadly this is very similar yo how my life is... I don't believe in any purpose to stay alive unless you make that purpose yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling hun

 

[kuroshimi]

I feel like I have no energy left either. I am still going to uni and chatting with friends and trying to do something, but I feel like I no longer have the strength to pursue for goals or something that people chase after.

I still think that I have some kind of potential but the world around me seems to prevent me from realizing it. Probably we really aren't compatible with their world.