C
Coffeandamug
Words are quite useless, and so am I.
- Oct 22, 2020
- 152
First, concerning the term "dysphoria", I just would like claim that I am using this term loosely here. I am not referring to gender dysphoria, though I would like to draw metaphorical parallels concerning my feelings and that condition. I didn't go to college when I Was Eighteen or seventeen. I couldn't for reasons that I don't want to explain.And this, for an unknown reason, just breaks me. The pain I feel for not having this on my "identity" is so, so imense. I wish so bad that I could go back that I unconsciously try to look like an younger version of me. Wishing to cut my hair like a gen Z or trying their mannerisms. I don't actually do it because it would be ridiculous and creepy, to say the least. Now I am Living my worst nightmare; I went back to college and my school room is filled with babies. I am the oldest and I know less than them. I Can't phantom becoming friends with them because it would be so, so creepy for me to be honest about one of the things that literally has defined the past 6 years of my life. I really think that you can learn at any age, that you can go to college at any age. Please, understand that this post is not me saying that. This is a visceral wish for an identity. It doesn't have to do with college or the course. No, it is just the wish to be someone doing college at Eighteen. And as this can't happen anymore... I think this is the end. Nobody understands me, I know this is difficult to digest. I wish I was different. But that's it. I am killing myself because I can't be that, because I can't have that specific identity. This is why I am calling it a "dysphoria". Because it is a deep, constant desire for that identity. Again, nothing to do with college, the course, or other stuff. I don't know why I am so, so obsessed with this for so long. I personally think it is ridiculous and creepy... but it is the way I feel.
Last edited: