Venting idek what to call this??

[sillygirl]

sorry in advance cus this is probably gonna be all over the place, besides, english isn't my first language.
i think i had a pretty good life growing up, loving parents and a somewhat stable environment even tho we moved a lot.
around the age of 13 things weren't so good, my father was abusive, physically, verbally and mentally (the reason why i almost didn't experience abuse before that was bcs he wasn't around most of the time). i tried being the best daughter i could but most of the abuse happened because of his anger management issues and his distrust in me (even tho i gave him no reason to).
i started cutting at the age of 14 cus i deserved it ig
i had a pretty rocky relationship with my dad up until i was 19 or 20 and things got A LOT better but still not the best
i stopped cutting a year ago but when my father found out he said that i was "too sensitive" and that was pretty much his reasoning for anything, the trauma wasn't bcs he was abusive, but bcs i was sensitive.
anyway now i'm 24, and i have other issues that idk how to go about explaining them, but due to circumstances out of my hand i'm still in uni. i started uni when i was 17, should've graduated in 2021 but shit happened and i had to transfer uni and start over in a different city last year, and it was fine, it was great even, cus i hated my hometown more than anything. but then a literal war in my country started and now i'm back to my hometown, stuck here until god knows when, living without a purpose. all i do is eat sleep and watch yt. haven't thought of suicide in like 2 years but these thoughts have never been as persistent or as intense as they are rn. idk what to do, there aren't any resources for mental health issues, and it's insanely stigmatized. if you tell someone you're depressed they'd say that you don't pray enough or that you're lazy. never been diagnosed and i've never seen any professional so i can't say that i have depression. idk, irdk anything.
even most suicide methods are inaccessible to me, so.
thank you for reading ig :)

 

[strawb12]

I hope you can either find help or a viable method cause those would my two options if I was in your situation. But also, fuck abusive fathers.

 

[sillygirl]

I hope you can either find help or a viable method cause those would my two options if I was in your situation. But also, fuck abusive fathers.

tysm, i don't think i'll be able to get help unless i'm somehow able to leave this country, as for suicide i want the method to be some kind of overdose cus i think this would be easier for my family than an obvious suicide scene.
i still love my father very much despite everything, and he has changed so much, ik that doesn't undo any of the trauma tho

 

[Rack.-]

sorry in advance cus this is probably gonna be all over the place, besides, english isn't my first language.
i think i had a pretty good life growing up, loving parents and a somewhat stable environment even tho we moved a lot.
around the age of 13 (the reason why i almost didn't experience abuse before that was bcs he wasn't around most of the time) things weren't so good, my father was abusive, physically, verbally and mentally. i tried being the best daughter i could but most of the abuse happened because of his anger management issues and his distrust in me "even tho i gave him no reason to".
i started cutting at the age of 14 cus i deserved it ig
i had a pretty rocky relationship with my dad up until i was 19 or 20 and things got A LOT better but still not the best
i stopped cutting a year ago but when my father found out he said that i was "too sensitive" and that was pretty much his reasoning for anything, the trauma wasn't bcs he was abusive, but bcs i was sensitive.
anyway now i'm 24, and i have other issues that idk how to go about explaining them, but due to circumstances out of my hand i'm still in uni. i started uni when i was 17, should've graduated at 2021 but shit happened and i had to transfer uni and start in a different over last year, and it was fine, it was great even, cus i hated my hometown more than anything. but then a literal war started and now i'm back at my hometown, stuck here until god knows when, living without a purpose. all i do is eat sleep and watch yt. haven't thought of suicide in like 2 years but these thoughts have never been as persistent or as intense as they are rn. idk what to do, there aren't any resources for mental health issues, and it's insanely stigmatized if you tell someone you're depressed they'd say that you don't pray enough or that you're lazy. never been diagnosed and i've never seen any professional so i can't say that i have depression. idk, irdk anything.
even most suicide methods are inaccessible to me, so.
thank you for reading ig :)

I'm sorry for your situation... I don't know where you are but it looks like it must be really difficult to get professional help. I'm here to talk if you need someone

 

[sillygirl]

thank you, i'm new here and still figuring out how everything works. i appreciate this, and if you need someone i'm here too. i'm a good listener, i'm the therapist friend lol <3