I wrote my suicide note today...I'm going to be leaving soon

[mustangsally4ever]

I wrote my suicide note to my significant other today. It made me so sad. I know some people will think how can I want to CTB if I have a partner, but the truth is that the chemicals in my brain won't let me feel good, feel happiness or joy. And I know he doesn't want a broken me, he's made that clear. So every day is torture, trying to fake being halfway normal...but I know in my heart he knows I'm not okay. Today he told me "happiness is a choice." Man, how I wish that was the case. It's really hard for people to understand treatment-resistant depression.

I need to get the rest of my affairs in order this week. I have to see my mom and sister too which I'm dreading because I will have to use every ounce of energy to be "in a good mood." The last time I talked to them they said I always had a "black cloud around me" and that it interfered with the way they lived their lives to be around me. So, yeah...

 

[sugarh1gh]

Man, I really wish happiness is a choice too. If that was true, I wouldn't be here so depressed.

It is really energy-sucking to pretend like you are happy and all. But do remember you don't always have to be bright. I know they said about black clouds, but who can be in happy mood all the time, 24/7. You got this.

 

[Sulyya]

Other than the having a partner, I understand. Appreciate your sharing.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace and freedom from this horrible world.

 

[set0553]

Sucks to hear they don't understand.. too many times people believe you can "think your way out of depression" which only adds to depression. But I understand. Best of luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it must be so dreadful and tiring what you go through. But anyway I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry that people are blaming you for feeling bad instead of having sympathy for you, that's really harsh. It isn't your fault. Good luck with everything