I would rather kill myself than stay dependant on my parents. Does anyone relate ?

[saadjazz]

First of all I wanna mention that my family are nice and they always try to help me and that it's all my fault. I (19M) dropped out of college because of social anxiety and I have no motivation or interest in pursuing studies, and without a degree I can't get a job ( except the very shitty ones - I live in a third world country ). Also I have no skills for freelancing and I'm not interested or motived to learn computer skills. Currently I spend my time distracting myself with movies, series... basically doing nothing and thinking about suicide. Please share your thoughts.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm dependent on my mother because I am too depressed and have too much self hatred as a result of my dysphoria to do anything, so in a way, I can relate.

 

[whatevs]

I went through a phase like that, unless you've been depressed since you were a kid it isn't suicide worthy. You "just" need good friends, a couple or find a passion. (I'm being ironic with just, by the way).

I started college 4 times, actually, and never finished. Then I found programming which is OK for my personality and skill set and I am barely holding my own profesionally but I got a job. Life isn't good to be honest, that's why I have so many posts in this forum. It is better than it was when I had nothing going on, SOMETIMES. Mostly it is a fucking shitfest.

I overall recommend work over NEETdom if one doesn't have the galls or the actual reasons for suicide.

 

[StolenLife]

19 is still young enough to take a rest before a career. When I was 19 I was forced to go to University immidiately after high school, and I wish every day that my parents just let me take that gap year so I could rest fully and think carefully about my career choices. Sometimes you just need to rest and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let yourself fall victim to society's brainwashing that you aren't worth it if you are not "productive".
Though if you are unhappy with this situation, maybe think about getting any job for start, even if it's shitty, so at least you know the feeling of being independent until you find something you are truly interested in. If the job is truly shitty then leaving it might give you motivation to try a better job or go to college/Uni. That's what I would do but obviously the choice is yours.

 

[jessisme]

I'm 45 and dependent on my mother. I haven't had too much choice in the matter, however, as my mental illness prevents me from being able to manage life on my own and unsupported. I have more or less become accustomed to it. What does make me feel suicidal is the fact that my family won't be able to support me forever and I will end up broke, homeless and living on the streets and die a long, slow painful death from starvation or exposure. It's a fate worse than death literally but it could happen at any time. It's just my mother left to support me and if anything were to happen to her I would be out of luck and that could happen at any time. I love life but suicide is the only solution to avoiding endless pain and suffering. It's sad that it has come to this but it's just the way that things have panned out for me. There is nothing else I can do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm much older than you (42.) I have actually been 'fortunate' in some ways that I inherited money which has allowed me to pursue a (creative) career that I have found fulfilling. I've worked very hard at it- but it was a passion- so it didn't all together feel like work.

I've also undertaken jobs I hated though (10 years in retail.) Expect this sounds disimilar to you but it's actually now I'm finding myself in a similar position...

My freelance creative 'career' is financially a failure. I ought to find a more stable job but I have very little experience in anything else. Everything out there just looks shit and/or unattainable.

My Dad has said they will help to support me but I can't stand the thought of that. I'd 100% rather kill myself but I can't do that either- because I'm sure it would devastate him. For me, I think I have no alternative but to try and find work that is as bearable as possible until my Dad goes and I'm free to CTB.

For you, I think you have a little more time on your hands. It's good that your parents are supportive. Hopefully, they won't put pressure on you. Still- if you feel bad, maybe there are things you could do to try and improve your chances of getting a job. Maybe there are online courses you could do- if social anxiety is a problem? (I sympathise there- mine isn't entirely crippling but it's another thing making me dread the upcoming job hunt.) I'd say- just try and make baby steps when you feel like you can... They may give you a bit more confidence. If not, hopefully your family will be there to help you through. Best of luck- whatever you decide to do.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Absolutely, as well as on society. But I second the idea that you're still young enough to change things.

 

[Painless_end]

I am 32 and can relate.

 

[looking_for_peace]

Yes... I don't wish to burden them although they would happily support me for the rest of my life. Perhaps that would be enough if my life was fulfilling, but I'm so lonely and all I do is play video games and complain lol

 

[Unending]

I left school because I, in the most literal sense, could not physically do it with how horrible I felt at all waking moments. I was struggling to hold down jobs and pay rent for a while (only felt like I was able to make it possible with substances), but inevitably coping with substances is an objectively bad idea and here I am. I've had to move back in with my parents 3 times since I initially moved out to get my first place.

I definitely understand how much of a struggle it can be when you're dependent on them due to mental health stuff. I'm sorry you're struggling and I know it doesn't fix it, but I'd have to agree with others here and say that being dependent and being on hiatus/leaving school at 19 isn't a bad reflection on you as a person and is honestly quite normal as far as I understand from people's experiences who I've known irl.

Even if you were older, I imagine you wouldn't choose to live with them if it wasn't a circumstance making you have to so I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Also, I understand that it's not always as easy as listening to a stranger's words on the internet to make you feel better though. I hope you are able to find relief from these struggles sooner than later.

 

[Rainy_days]

I'm 45 and dependent on my mother. I haven't had too much choice in the matter, however, as my mental illness prevents me from being able to manage life on my own and unsupported. I have more or less become accustomed to it. What does make me feel suicidal is the fact that my family won't be able to support me forever and I will end up broke, homeless and living on the streets and die a long, slow painful death from starvation or exposure. It's a fate worse than death literally but it could happen at any time. It's just my mother left to support me and if anything were to happen to her I would be out of luck and that could happen at any time. I love life but suicide is the only solution to avoiding endless pain and suffering. It's sad that it has come to this but it's just the way that things have panned out for me. There is nothing else I can do.

I'm in almost the same situation as you. To the OP, I wish you would give yourself a little more time though. 19 is a little early to conclude that you won't ever find a way to be independent.

 

[JulieSui]

I'm in the same situation, living with my mother who can't afford to support me. Too mentally ill to work, just a burden on society...

 

[Givenuponlife]

Even though I am a bit older than that (28), I can certainly relate! It definitely contributes to my feelings of uselessness.

I'm in almost the same situation as you. To the OP, I wish you would give yourself a little more time though. 19 is a little early to conclude that you won't ever find a way to be independent.

I don't know OP's exact situation, but 19 to me is a young age to decide to end it all. There's a fair amount time to change their situation at that age, especially if it's something like independence. In any case, best of luck to the OP.

 

[azoidant]

I can relate a ton to this. I dropped out of high school freshman year due to a severe anxiety disorder. I'm currently 18 and feel similarly to you. Anxiety has completely fucked over my future; I can't imagine myself ever being independent because of it and I'd rather just die.

 

[Tried-tireD]

I'm 19 too and can relate totally. Sure my parents are nice enough to pay for my university fees but are definitely not people I can depend on for support with my mental health. I feel trapped that they aren't allowing me to move out even though I want to. Especially that most people I know are already moved out and even moved in together with partners. I just want my own little place. My own little final place to CTB too.

I was also forced to attend immediately after hs which at first I wasn't against but after my state got worse, I wished I took a gap year but my parents despised that. Luckily I've survived my first year, but as things are now, I won't survive second year. I barely scrapped by with little motivation but now I'm tapped out.
I don't even have any experience working or making a living in anyway, no social life to fall back on either so I have no choice but to depend on them.

So I must either just hope I can deal with everything myself and move out eventually (which will take more time than I'm willing to go through) or just CTB. I mean I plan to go in less than 2 weeks now anyway.
The feeling of dependancy can be sort of claustrophobic imo

 

[GettingOut]

I'm 40 and totally relate to this. I developed a progressive muscle disease that causes severe chronic pain. My meds (including prescription opioids) are so strong that I have muscle control, memory and concentration problems.

The disease has taken away my driving licence, independence, ability to walk freely. My bladder has stopped functioning properly so now I have to use intermittent catheters. Digestive system is also giving in. Liver is enlarged due to meds. I'm unable to work full time.

Biological father doesn't want anything to do with me. Narcissistic mother blames me for my childhood trauma and views me as a liability cause she'd rather use the money for something else.

I have lost friends probably cause they don't want to be seen with someone in a wheelchair. Feels like this world would be better off without me. And without this world, I'd be rid of daily pain, feeling worthless and being a failure.

Thought I'd be gone long before December 2022. Why does my SI have to be so strong? I hate it!

 

[savoytruffle]

First of all I wanna mention that my family are nice and they always try to help me and that it's all my fault. I (19M) dropped out of college because of social anxiety and I have no motivation or interest in pursuing studies, and without a degree I can't get a job ( except the very shitty ones - I live in a third world country ). Also I have no skills for freelancing and I'm not interested or motived to learn computer skills. Currently I spend my time distracting myself with movies, series... basically doing nothing and thinking about suicide. Please share your thoughts.

Me too but only to spare my mother of me, i am nothing but a burden a black hole where money disappears into and i will never be able to hold a job so to the eyes of society i am as good as dead. might as well finish the job

 

[bed]

Due to mental health issues and chronic pain I'm on disability and living with family. Although living here I feel like a complete outsider and ghost. My father and his 3rd wife constantly fight and it worsens my mental health but I can't really live anywhere else. It's definitely part of the reason now as to why I want to die but it's only caused by my underlying problems.

 

[WhenTheyCry]

I'm autistic as hell and incapable of caring for myself, I often feel guilt that my parents have to support a leech like me, but they're also at fault for not aborting me. Autism is not a superpower for the average autist, it's a disability. To be honest, my parents were poor when they gave birth to me, so I doubt they even would've had the ability to pay for the procedure to check for autism during that time. I tried working recently actually, I was so bad at my job, I constantly messed up my orders, was slow and clumsy. I had to quit in four days because I also noticed hostility among my coworkers for me being slow. I thought it would be easy, it's just a fast food job, but I wasn't prepared for how noisy the mall was (sensory overload), and how nervous I would be in front of dozens of customers. Famous autists in history like Mozart were a minority within a minority, I might be projecting here but I believe most autists are midwits, no, perhaps even worse than that.

 

[Asiam]

I dropped out of highschool in grade 10 from severe social anxiety and agoriphobia. When I was 23 my mom lost the house and we ended up near homeless, she went on to be homeless for four to five years. I have no education and would literally pay somebody for parents who could support me. I know you feel guilt and shame about it, but anxiety is a real condition. Im 30 now and can't pay my rent so I'll soon be homeless too. I think relying on your parents could honestly be a good thing. I know it doesn't feel like it, but they'd rather have you there than you dead. My main point is anxiety is a real condition just like any other that needs support and help, and I wish there to be no shame in you needing help. But I know it's hard

 

[lionetta12]

First of all I wanna mention that my family are nice and they always try to help me and that it's all my fault. I (19M) dropped out of college because of social anxiety and I have no motivation or interest in pursuing studies, and without a degree I can't get a job ( except the very shitty ones - I live in a third world country ). Also I have no skills for freelancing and I'm not interested or motived to learn computer skills. Currently I spend my time distracting myself with movies, series... basically doing nothing and thinking about suicide. Please share your thoughts.

The idea of being dependant on anyone has always scared me. I don't trust people and so I need to be able to stay independant.

 

[DaatiSimi]

Yes. My brother is offering to take care of me as if I was his own child. I can't do that to him.

My mother has also said she will take care of me and I say hell no, I'd rather die (and I will).

 

[Salvation_]

Yes, I also want to CTB so I don't have to be dependent on my parents.

 

[Szinuus]

I have chronic pain so I dont think I will handle a full time job. Im 22, in college, dependent of parents.

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

Yes 100%. I have anorexia and I have been force fed by both my parents and medical workers which has been extremely traumatizing. At times I was forced to eat until I involuntarily vomited and was then presented with more food because I needed to gain weight.

 

[Red-Eyed-and-Blue]

You are still very young, so there is plenty of time for you to get an education/pursue a career if that's what you wish to do. As another poster in this thread said, it's probably better to work over being a NEET if you don't have the will to end it all. If being dependent on your parents is a major factor in causing you mental strife, then working/going to school can alleviate that. However, I understand those things come with problems of their own.

 

[Reallysad]

If you have mental health issues or health issues I see no issue being with your parents nothing to be ashamed of.It's the people who have nothing wrong with them ,work etc and have a good life and just sponge off there parents that annoy me,like they can't grow up and have responsibility's of there own.they get there washing,ironing,dinners made for them in there 30/40s.also if they have kids they just dump them with there parents as free baby sitters whilst they go out and party and don't give a toss for there parents or kids. Rant over

 

[Decided98]

I'm 25 and also feel the same :(

 

[borderline-feline]

I can definitely relate. I'm 25, and I've been dependent on my father through my entire adult life. I got a job this year, but I'll have to leave it eventually, and I'll never be able to afford to move out. I feel like a leech.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I moved out at 18 and was independent most of my adult life, but physical/mental illness has made me dependent on family for a place to stay. I still have money coming in from long term disability coverage I use to pay for my medical expenses/food, but that will only last till next year shortly after I turn 30. I don't want to be an even bigger leech than that, so I intend to CTB when my funds run out. For me, I'm hoping it's the last push I need to just get it over with.

If your circumstances allow it, I believe it's worth trying to see if you can maintain independence. I regret a lot of things but I don't regret giving my best attempt at being an independent adult. I was at my best mentally when I was working and in school.