Venting I would like to see beyond what I see.

[claeasi]

Initially, my desire to die stemmed from the way people treated me, the way they talked about me behind my back, and things like that.
I thought i should die because "they hated me," that if i were better or even prettier they might treat me better.
But one thing I've come to understand over time is that bad people never change, they just hide who they are. That deep down they hate no one more than themselves.
Today i see that my existence is insignificant, and that i shouldn't die because people hate me, but because I'm not satisfied with my life.
I understand that nobody really cares about me, much less hates me, and yes, that was just paranoia created in my head. I mean, how can they hate me? I've never done anything so bad to be hated for no reason.
Since then, i don't want to place the blame for my death on society or anyone other than myself, especially since, depending on the context, we can avoid certain people, moments and other things. If you couldn't stop it, then the problem was yours and not others'. Our actions brought us to where we are now, to the kind of thinking we have almost (or always) daily.
Am i wrong? I don't know... it's a way i've been thinking lately, and i can't change it.
Of course, what I said is an isolated case about avoiding certain situations, since some situations like bullying and things like that are truly unavoidable.

 

[kitkatt]

Initially, my desire to die stemmed from the way people treated me, the way they talked about me behind my back, and things like that.
I thought i should die because "they hated me," that if i were better or even prettier they might treat me better.
But one thing I've come to understand over time is that bad people never change, they just hide who they are. That deep down they hate no one more than themselves.
Today i see that my existence is insignificant, and that i shouldn't die because people hate me, but because I'm not satisfied with my life.
I understand that nobody really cares about me, much less hates me, and yes, that was just paranoia created in my head. I mean, how can they hate me? I've never done anything so bad to be hated for no reason.
Since then, i don't want to place the blame for my death on society or anyone other than myself, especially since, depending on the context, we can avoid certain people, moments and other things. If you couldn't stop it, then the problem was yours and not others'. Our actions brought us to where we are now, to the kind of thinking we have almost (or always) daily.
Am i wrong? I don't know... it's a way i've been thinking lately, and i can't change it.

I don't think you're wrong. We definitely should go on our own terms if we're gonna go but also you being hurt by a societal standard that treats those that need the most support as disposable is not fair and it's okay to be upset. I've lived almost 29 years out of spite now I'm trying to live for myself while I'm here. Life's hard enough carrying the load I was given I'm too tired to give a fuck about what someone who's mean to people thinks. You're valid and no matter what you decide in the end you're just doing what you can with the cards you've been dealt and that's okay

 

[claeasi]

I don't think you're wrong. We definitely should go on our own terms if we're gonna go but also you being hurt by a societal standard that treats those that need the most support as disposable is not fair and it's okay to be upset. I've lived almost 29 years out of spite now I'm trying to live for myself while I'm here. Life's hard enough carrying the load I was given I'm too tired to give a fuck about what someone who's mean to people thinks. You're valid and no matter what you decide in the end you're just doing what you can with the cards you've been dealt and that's okay

Thank you, you are really sweet! :)

 

[kitkatt]

Thank you, you are really sweet! :)

It's no problem and thank you!! :3

 

[wine is fine but]

Am i wrong? I don't know... it's a way i've been thinking lately, and i can't change it

not sure exactly which part "am i wrong relates to", but no you seem to be on point

many people see life as like some kind of amusement park ride
it has it's ups and downs, it makes you laugh, makes you cry sometimes, and also invariably makes you sick
just like the ride, people wish to get off it on their own terms. go on the ride once, and you may wish to go on more times. go on it 10 straight times, and then you wish to get off it, and will hate anyone trying to make you stay on it

to me, people only take their own lives for one reason, and one reason alone - they wish to die. all of the reasons they give are just triggers. no one will take their own life unless they wish to die, and likewise, there are people going through incredible pain or illnesses, yet they are grateful to still be alive. those people, obviously do not want to die. we as humans tend to make things much more difficult than they need to be. we breathe in and then breathe out. at some point we may decide that we no longer wish to do that, so suicides happen

your existence will not be insignificant. you may have that perception due to just a handful of arseholes, but overall your perception is most probably not correct. you need to know your own value and not settle for anything less. that is not easy to do, but as you have already posted, you can avoid certain types of people and situations. even if you cannot stop people being arseholes, you are "not" the problem. at the very least you are just different from them and that is a blessing (and a curse). you need to be your own best friend, as well as being around people who understand you, and then, you may have a chance to be happier

i do understand what you are saying though. my thoughts turn dark when people are scum and try to make my life harder, but like you also seem to be able to see, it is me who cannot tolerate that type of person. many others can, so it is still me who has a problem, but to me, that problem is a blase approach to death in general, so perhaps i am just creating triggers in my mind - which really isn't that smart of a thing to do when it is all said and done. the more we let triggers dominate our mind, the less we can be happy while actually living