Story i would have wanted to live

[meso]

hi everyone, introducing myself

i'm reading posts on this forum (a lot of you guys seem to be so nice) since several months and i figured out how to get SN from the (i guess) most popular provider

anyway, i got my SN a couple weeks ago, and i will more or less follow the "SN bible method", like :

48 hour meto regimen
8 hour fasting
H-1 1000mg paracetamol
M-45 3x10mg meto
M-30 double dose antacid
kairos : SN drink (1 cup, and 2 others cups in case vomiting occurs)

i also intend to take benzo (oxazepam, 600 mg) a little before SN drink (have to think about the best moment), maybe less, i'm still thinking about whether i just want to be high or rapidly unconscious

(i already have all of the ingredients)

why am i doing this ?

i'm an autistic trans woman, depression/anxiety since double-digit years now, great mood instability, living on welfare, stuck in a home (i'm not alone) that's like hell for me (lots of noises, trauma with the person i live with, shame of not being autonomous), can't move elsewhere, way too difficult to find a job and/or housing, even the welfare programs to get a job suitable for me doesn't want me because of my instability

i'm running out of energy, i'm not interested in anything, i'm just killing time, i don't really know who i am, lots of drama around me (friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, family), sometimes clearly 100% my bad ofc

i'm more and more isolated, friends are either too stable, or too unstable like me (and you know sometimes the compatibility is not there between different sufferings)

i live a little far away from them, and most of them, even the ones that functions like me, are more socially fine, which makes me feel like a alien

the only one like me was my best friend but she has changed so much and became weird with me

i'm planning to ctb in june, i can't now because someone died and i have to partially pay the funerals, also i don't want to inflict another funeral too close to this one, i also don't want to ctb just after some interpersonal conflicts which i had recently

i don't know if i will livepost my ctb, most likely not, because i intend to delete my accounts, just in case

really glad to be on this forum, feels good to not be alone

i'll try to participate, in whatever subforum i can

i really thought i could have been in a better place, with a (slightly) better life, if only i had the right treatment and support at given times, now i have too much to do and i can't function properly (maybe covid hit me hard mentally, with the brain fog, i don't really know and it's difficult to know), i'm supposed to find a place in society, even tho i'm marginalised, tired, and repeteadly exposed to things that """triggers""" me (i don't have the classic ptsd reaction but if i may use this word to illustrate), i can't do this anymore

maybe some of you feel like me, you see a certain precise road in the past that could have lead you to a more peaceful life, but you feel that now peace lies elsewhere

see you

 

[sadalways]

Hey there, i have autism and anxiety too, living on welfare basically in a house that i don't really enjoy due to the noise too, i know how you feel. It really sucks, feeling like an alien that doesn't belong in this world where as other people fit in perfectly. I really do wish you the best, whatever the outcome is and i'm sending you hugs, and a welcome to the forum

 

[meso]

Hey there, i have autism and anxiety too, living on welfare basically in a house that i don't really enjoy due to the noise too, i know how you feel. It really sucks, feeling like an alien that doesn't belong in this world where as other people fit in perfectly. I really do wish you the best, whatever the outcome is and i'm sending you hugs, and a welcome to the forum

thank you ! i'm glad someone can relate

wish you the best too, i'll still try to trigger some miracles in my life the next couple months because who knows, like a last ride, even tho i'm at peace with ctb too

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I wish you all the best and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[meso]

Welcome to SaSu!

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I wish you all the best and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

thanks !

wish you the best too

if i may ask, what made you decide to be here ?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

thanks !

wish you the best too

if i may ask, what made you decide to be here ?

Thank you!

In my case, it's a big failure in life (kinda business failure) followed by years of many smaller failures and I literally everything I touched failed ultimately until I finally gave up. I ended up here.

 

[true-ending]

hi... i'm trans+autistic and have experienced all of this as well. now im beginning to wonder how many of us are on this forum. It's really painful feeling like an outsider all your life

 

[Redacted24]

Welcome to the community... and so very sorry you've come to this place.
I came awhile back to find methods. That knowledge is here, so many very smart and creative people in this site.
The thing that surprised me was the kindness and support I see here. It's made me realize I'm not alone in these struggles, and is helping me get by every day, avoiding an impulsive try.
I'm a domestic violence victim.
Hope you find all that you seek here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace from suffering you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[meso]

Thank you!

In my case, it's a big failure in life (kinda business failure) followed by years of many smaller failures and I literally everything I touched failed ultimately until I finally gave up. I ended up here.

i see, seems really hard to carry, i hope you find your way (whatever it may be)

hi... i'm trans+autistic and have experienced all of this as well. now im beginning to wonder how many of us are on this forum. It's really painful feeling like an outsider all your life

yeah it was one of the things that get me here, seems to be a lot of people like us

I hope you find the peace from suffering you search for, I wish you the best.

thank you, wish you the best too

Welcome to the community... and so very sorry you've come to this place.
I came awhile back to find methods. That knowledge is here, so many very smart and creative people in this site.
The thing that surprised me was the kindness and support I see here. It's made me realize I'm not alone in these struggles, and is helping me get by every day, avoiding an impulsive try.
I'm a domestic violence victim.
Hope you find all that you seek here.

yeah people here are really kind, this had an great influence on me coming here

so sorry to hear that about your struggles in life, i hope you find your way and that being here is at least comforting

<3