I won't kill myself today or tomorrow but I inevitably will someday

[justlookinforanswers]

I've begun to realize something. I'm not cut out to deal with this shit. I have BPD, everything hits me like a truck. And it's not just mental pain, it's bodily pain. I get an unbearable sensation in my body when I'm in pain that I don't think I can experience much more of before I crack. I never have good days anymore. I overthink everything my partner says and worry about him leaving me every day. We're at the beginning of our relationship so we're literally in the honeymoon stage, things should be great but I'm still in so much pain. I know that it can only get worse from here. I can't deal with inevitable tragedy in my life. I can't deal with a long term partner leaving me or dying, I can't deal with my family and friends dying, and these will happen inevitably. I see absolutely no way I could deal with them when I can barely deal with tiny issues I have day to day. I know that something is going to push me to kill myself someday, and honestly, I just hope I have the guts to actually go through with it when it happens. I don't want to be tossed around in this meaningless hellscape anymore or spend entire days crying and not eating and sleeping so I don't have to be conscious of anything.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly can be torture and it sounds so horrible what you have to endure, so of course it's very much understandable hoping that you will have the courage to leave. I envy those who had the courage to successfully ctb and finally end all of the suffering.