Venting I wish you could know just how deeply I love you

[nozomu]

I know it's obvious that I love and care about you but it's so much deeper than that.

You asked me not to die when I was ready to go so I obliged. Every day since then, I've lived for you. Wholly and truly.

Even with instant death sitting with me, I could be gone in minutes any given day. But every day, I choose you. I suffer immensely outside of our relationship. I have no friends left except for you and online. I have no family. My career and business have gone to shit. There's no way I can finish my PhD. I'm probably gonna be homeless in a few months when I run out of money and I'm scared to ask for help again. My health is terrible and I even further injured myself and made myself even more useless and disabled. my life is truly miserable outside of the joy you bring me.

And yet, I choose you every day. I choose you over freedom from suffering, I choose you over an escape. And you can't even know that I choose you, because society has deemed all of the feelings us suicidal folk have pertaining to deciding to live for someone else as "manipulative." Even though for me, it is a profound and deep expression of my love for you. I choose you over an escape, and it's the easiest choice I make, despite all of the pain. I do it all to see you smile, to hear you laugh and feel your warmth. I choose to love you freely and fully despite this suffering the world returns to me even though I never inflict suffering upon the world. you are my treasure, I cherish you and you are everything to me.

I'd suffer a million times over for you, so please don't let me die. Please see me for the helpless being I am, and save me. With a heart this pure, I deserve to be saved. I only ever wanted to live to love. Please. Save me. Please. I'm begging you to see me and save me, because I can't say it.

 

[todiefor]

Wow.. this is so touching :'). U r brave, I hope you are saved.

 

[Aisley]

All we can't say, for exactly those reasons. How many times? A library could be filled with the words. The little conversations. Wish I could make magic blue words that were links, like others here, but I'm just not that bright.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E8sA_g0BcY&ab_channel=ConcreteBlonde-Topic

This person is worth it by virtue of your choice, and I wish you strength, and small successes, like rent and keeping the mundane seams of necessities together.

 

[nozomu]

Wow.. this is so touching :'). U r brave, I hope you are saved.

Thank you... Me too... I love my partner more than anything and I hope I can find a way to live

 

[nozomu]

All we can't say, for exactly those reasons. How many times? A library could be filled with the words. The little conversations. Wish I could make magic blue words that were links, like others here, but I'm just not that bright.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E8sA_g0BcY&ab_channel=ConcreteBlonde-Topic

This person is worth it by virtue of your choice, and I wish you strength, and small successes, like rent and keeping the mundane seams of necessities together.

This song is really nice... I might put it on my goodbye playlist I have been making in case I don't make it...

 

[alonely]

I feel so much empathy. I have lived only for my love. More than once. I lost them. I am struggling to go on now, I have no reason to live for myself without love. I hope for you that your love always stays.