Hey There.
This is my second post in 72 hours, and I think it's likely that posts like this already exist and perhaps this one will be flagged or removed. Perhaps, as my coming thoughts may suggest, I would be better off hopping in on pre-existing forums instead of posting my own. I've noticed this approach in my Reddit use as well: I tend to create my own posts just as often as I chime in on others'. Maybe that's selfish, but here I am.
I just know that it's coming down the pipeline. I think that I know as much about psychology, mental health, trauma and healing as anybody does without actually studying or working in these professions (please forgive the brag). I have spent more of the past 19 months with a wonderful counselor, often at a rate of two sessions per week. But I've just been certain of what the outcome would be for the past year-and-a-half and it never really wavers. I've purchased to 9mm handguns during this time frame. My family and psychologist know that I want to CTB. I've dropped the term to some close friends and they may have an idea, but not as much as I wish that they did. But I suppose it wouldn't really matter, even if everybody know the depth of these feelings + my wishes.
I've (seriously) wanted to do this for a long time. I haven't completed yet because I know it will traumatize my nuclear family and a small group of folks beyond that. I don't even particularly care for my mother or father; in fact, my primary feelings towards them are feelings of repulsion. But as much as I want to CTB, it seems that the desire NOT to traumatize others is just *barely, barely* stronger up to this point. So I wait every day for the scales to tip and to take out my own brainstem.
Finally getting to the point - one which I bet a great many of you can relate to: I just wish I could tell them. Even just one person. My mother, my sister, one or two of my best friends, my therapist (who has been a tremendous resource and I have a good connection with). Anyone. Just to say, "Hey, you know that I've really wanted to die for a long time now, and I'm going to do it today. I just want you to be as prepared as you can be. And I want to tell you some of the details, so that you don't have to worry, or risk finding a messy scene. This is really, really what I need to happen, and I thank you for understanding."
But we can't say those things to people. Except, perhaps, for the people on this forum. Maybe, in the end, that will be my reason for coming here. Maybe that's why many of you have come. I'm just ready. It's like being stuck on a deserted island and sitting on the shore. The last boat off the island passed over the horizon a long, long time ago, but you're still just sitting on the shore. You know it's time, but there's this one final impediment.
Thank you for reading.
This is my second post in 72 hours, and I think it's likely that posts like this already exist and perhaps this one will be flagged or removed. Perhaps, as my coming thoughts may suggest, I would be better off hopping in on pre-existing forums instead of posting my own. I've noticed this approach in my Reddit use as well: I tend to create my own posts just as often as I chime in on others'. Maybe that's selfish, but here I am.
I just know that it's coming down the pipeline. I think that I know as much about psychology, mental health, trauma and healing as anybody does without actually studying or working in these professions (please forgive the brag). I have spent more of the past 19 months with a wonderful counselor, often at a rate of two sessions per week. But I've just been certain of what the outcome would be for the past year-and-a-half and it never really wavers. I've purchased to 9mm handguns during this time frame. My family and psychologist know that I want to CTB. I've dropped the term to some close friends and they may have an idea, but not as much as I wish that they did. But I suppose it wouldn't really matter, even if everybody know the depth of these feelings + my wishes.
I've (seriously) wanted to do this for a long time. I haven't completed yet because I know it will traumatize my nuclear family and a small group of folks beyond that. I don't even particularly care for my mother or father; in fact, my primary feelings towards them are feelings of repulsion. But as much as I want to CTB, it seems that the desire NOT to traumatize others is just *barely, barely* stronger up to this point. So I wait every day for the scales to tip and to take out my own brainstem.
Finally getting to the point - one which I bet a great many of you can relate to: I just wish I could tell them. Even just one person. My mother, my sister, one or two of my best friends, my therapist (who has been a tremendous resource and I have a good connection with). Anyone. Just to say, "Hey, you know that I've really wanted to die for a long time now, and I'm going to do it today. I just want you to be as prepared as you can be. And I want to tell you some of the details, so that you don't have to worry, or risk finding a messy scene. This is really, really what I need to happen, and I thank you for understanding."
But we can't say those things to people. Except, perhaps, for the people on this forum. Maybe, in the end, that will be my reason for coming here. Maybe that's why many of you have come. I'm just ready. It's like being stuck on a deserted island and sitting on the shore. The last boat off the island passed over the horizon a long, long time ago, but you're still just sitting on the shore. You know it's time, but there's this one final impediment.
Thank you for reading.
