Pisceslilith
Student
- Aug 19, 2019
- 159
I'm not a big a fan of people but I really need someone right now. I wish someone would just have my back, stick up for me for once. Comfort me, protect me, take me away from this place. Seeing my abuser be sided with for so many fucking years (even till this day) is driving me fucking nuts. This is how I know karma isn't real. Their life isn't amazing but they're definitely not suffering consequences for their actions and it's killing me inside. Everyday these memories haunt me, they make me nauseous, anxious, I don't know how much I can take anymore. And they thinks they have the right to be angry because I don't associate myself with them. I avoid them because their whole entire existence is a trigger for me, then they purposely set off my triggers with loud noises. I want nothing but the worse for them. I despise them so much, I really hate that we are related. I'll never forget being humiliated and gaslighted in the psych's office as a kid. Them telling me things like "we don't know if it actually happened or not", "you can't even remember the age it happened" (implying because my memories are distorted then it's not true", "they don't understand or realize what they did". So many things that I can't remember. I can't tell which is more traumatizing, the trauma itself or the invalidation from adults who I was crying out for help to just for them to spit it in my face. Then they claim they're a "support system". WHERES THE FUCKING SUPPORT THEN? I needed someone and nobody came. Nothing makes me more angry than seeing someone get away with things they weren't supposed to and have people supporting them as well. I can't wait to get out of this place. I can't remember what it's like feel safe. I don't even feel safe in my own body. I feel like I'm trapped in an extremely suffocating suit that I could never take off. I just wanted someone to understand me, to not invalidate me. I just wanted someone to be there, but it's all too late now. Because I'm so use to shitty behavior, someone validating me would make feel uncomfortable or it would feel like nothing. What's wrong with me? Why are people like this towards me? Why is my life the way that it is? I know I'm not a good person but I still can't understand this type of life. How am I expected to act like I want to live when I don't want to. I have no interest in this life, no interest in myself. I'm so sick of it all.