Venting I wish she was still in my life

[SectOfValtiel]

She was the only person I ever truly fell in love with
It was my only real relationship, back in 2019, long distance and we met online but still
She was the first person I ever really talked to about suicide, and more than anything I wanted to be this positive affirmation in her life so she didnt *have* to CTB to be at peace- yeah, I wanted to fix her, I know
still wish I could be that more than anything
But neither of us were great to eachother after awhile and things ended kind of explosively
It never got through my dumb ass brain that she was never going to want me again
She ended up blocking me everywhere and I had panic attacks back to back for weeks trying to find somewhere I could still contact her so I could at least talk about it
Eventually the desperation turned into anger and I said and did a lot I regret, enough that if she really didnt hate me before, she probably still does now to this day

I miss her more than anything
Literally since the day I met her she hasnt left my mind, and I dont just say that to be dramatic, every single time my depression hits a low, I think about her- my depression hasnt really left that low in years
The year after she ended things I felt so guilty for how shitty I ended up being to her that I developed a SH habit, every new cut telling myself I deserved it for hurting her
Even had myself convinced that CTBing would be the only way I could do anything positive for her, cause at least I couldnt still be here obsessing and missing her constantly

My life has been shit, empty and lonely and challenging
Meeting her was the first time I was genuinely happy in over a decade, maybe most of my life too
She used to be so kind and caring but I think I ruined that part of her
She was dealing with so much and I wish I could have helped instead of making all of it worse instead
I did try... Im not religious now but I grew up Christian, and there were at least a handful of times I really sat here praying to a God I dont believe in just on the *off chance* someone was listening, so they could make her life a little better than it is
I even prayed for her after the breakup, more then

Ive talked about it in therapy, about three years and three different therapists worth, there just isnt anything I can seem to do to move on
Not even other relationships... I ended one when I realized I was still in love with her
One therapist even convinced me hating her was better than missing her and I hate him for that


I sit here thinking about it and... if I were to ever actually CTB, shes the only person I would bother writing a letter to
at least to apologize one more time
tell her I love her one more time
I cant really convince myself anyone in my life cares about me or ever really did, but she gave me genuine happiness- even if in the end she hurt me a lot too
she was the best thing that ever happened to me despite everything
and when I sit here every day trying to distract myself from wishing I was dead
more than literally anything, I just wish she was still here
losing her is a mistake that I think sealed my fate

I know thats pathetic but its the truth

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

I am quite literally, almost to a "T" in your exact shoes. I now how bad the pain is and while I think my pain is pathetic as well, I do not think it is worth looking at whether it is good or bad or whatever. Our pain is our pain, and how it looks or anything else, does not matter. My ex made me the happiest person alive. I seriously was a normal dude before her and with her. I did not have any metal health issues or anything, but when she left me over me being an idiot, I went insane. I ruined my life, I lost everything, and honestly, I do not want anything back. I only want her. I only want to hold her one more time, I only want to tell her I love her and I would do anything for her one more time. I want to have one of the simplest down to earth days with her, that to anyone else would look like it was boring, but to me, to us ,it would be heaven. I ruined everything, and in so doing, I made my life not worth living. All I want is her back. People say give it time, time heals everything; all it does is make it less in your face and your mind forces you to cope. Sure, I cry about her less now, but there will never be a day in my life, where I wish she was not by my side. Nothing will ever top her, and if there is something out there that could, I do not want to know it exists. I have no interest in this life without her in it next to me. If you do not buy into all the cliches and lies everyone tells you, you will find that life truly is pain most of the time and unless you tend to be lucky or fill your mind with copes, life is not worth living, especially if you lose the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

I am truly sorry for your pain and I wish there was something I could say that would make it better, and for you, I hope there is. I hope you find a way to be happy, but if you are anything like me, I have accepted it will not. I am trying to find my way out of here

 

[SectOfValtiel]

People say give it time, time heals everything; all it does is make it less in your face and your mind forces you to cope.

Yeah, exactly, I dont think time has healed a single thing for me and its something I have plenty of in my life
Even then sometimes it feels like I think about her more now than I did when things were ending
I get this feeling like she knows it and its actively making her life worse even with all this distance between us
Ive just run out of ideas on what else to try to move on, I dont think Im capable of falling out of love like that
Ive given up

I hope you find a way to be happy, but if you are anything like me, I have accepted it will not.

I hope the same for you as well, at the very least that you find some peace from it
Its an awful hurt to carry around
but, yeah
I do think its one Ill carry to the grave
Same with the regret but my life is full of that either way

 

[WhiskeyHands]

I feel your pain. I've had my heart broken many times and have bounced back within a few months. This break up is different. I think I'm experiencing my first true heartbreak, and to be honest it has shattered me as a human being.

 

[lemonhoney]

I'm so scared that I won't be able to get over this breakup for years. It's only been two months and the only days I feel somewhat normal is when I think about CTB. It's like I don't know how to live for myself

 

[Venus13]

Whatever was going on inside her had nothing to do with you. You didn't ruin her, she probably started to show all sides of her. None of us are just kind and caring. She was a complex person and it sounds like she had a lot going on. Letting go of blame might help ease your mind, at least on the grip the fallout has on you. There was more going on outside your control than imaginable.

Your experience is the most human and authentic account on heartbreak that can said. Most people who have been truly in love and had it crumble knows what you're talking about. Don't feel hard on yourself for having these thoughts and feelings. I don't think it's pathetic.

I hope some lightness comes back into your life. I'm sure she was an incredible person but you seem like you're full of love and of good character. You're down on your luck and she was a moment of reprieve. I hope someday life brings you more moments like that.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be painful and hard to deal with what you are going through. It seems as though that in this life if someone has something that they see as being positive, it's just something for them to lose and cause them to suffer more than they already are. It certainly is a cruel existence, but I wish you the best.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

It just fucking sucks
It doesnt matter what I do or say or how much I smoke, how much I cut, how much I try to be better, who I talk to, even when I think Im developing feelings for someone else, my heart still belongs to her and my mind reminds me of that fact every single minute Im still alive
I even bring it up in therapy but Im not even given suggestions anymore
Its just constant distractions or Im breaking down over it
Three fucking years later!
Even opening this thread again Im crying, I resent how much I miss her

I hate the idea of wanting to CTB over a girl, it just feels so stupid to me personally
But literally the only thing that I think could make life feel worth it to me now is either having her back, or finding another love like that and keeping it
And one thing Ive learned over the past three years is that actively seeking out love is the best way to wind up even more hurt
Im certain Im not someone capable of being loved

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

I really feel this too. Its been 8 years on and 8 years off with my best friend. We talked everyday until 2 months ago. then he said he met someone and couldnt have a close relationship with me anymore while he gave her his attention.

But he would only text me everyday. He never made an effort to see me. He never called. Why couldnt I be the one to get his full attention. I loved him so much. I haven't ate hardly since then. And he's still all I think about but it seems I never cross his mind.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I really feel this too. Its been 8 years on and 8 years off with my best friend. We talked everyday until 2 months ago. then he said he met someone and couldnt have a close relationship with me anymore while he gave her his attention.

But he would only text me everyday. He never made an effort to see me. He never called. Why couldnt I be the one to get his full attention. I loved him so much. I haven't ate hardly since then. And he's still all I think about but it seems I never cross his mind.

Im sorry to hear that, I think its obvious how much you loved him, I dont know why it wasnt to him
And if nobody else has said as much, you deserve to feel that same love back
I hope you can find that one day even if it doesnt come from him

 

[lemonhoney]

hate the idea of wanting to CTB over a girl, it just feels so stupid to me personally
But literally the only thing that I think could make life feel worth it to me now is either having her back, or finding another love like that and keeping it
And one thing Ive learned over the past three years is that actively seeking out love is the best way to wind up even more hurt
Im certain Im not someone capable of being loved

I feel this to my core. Especially the bit about CTB over a person. It's so pathetic saying it out loud, but I can't help my feelings. I am not going to find love again. I wouldn't want to put someone thru my bullshit and everything reminds me of my ex. I don't want to put up a fight.

 

[Disappointered]

I am sorry that this horrible world has caused you to have to feel like this. One thing that I noticed is that women usually do better emotionally after a breakup/divorce than men. So you would probably be justified in not feeling quite as guilty about your behavior as you do (you said you would apologize again in your suicide note) because you probably don't realize just how much easier it is for her to move on than it is for you. I know that doesn't solve your problem but hopefully it will lighten that aspect of the burden you are now living with. I hope you can find peace by whichever way you choose.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I feel this to my core. Especially the bit about CTB over a person. It's so pathetic saying it out loud, but I can't help my feelings. I am not going to find love again. I wouldn't want to put someone thru my bullshit and everything reminds me of my ex. I don't want to put up a fight.

Yeah, thats an aspect of it that I didnt even touch on
Even if she *did* come back, I dont think I could trust myself to treat her right
If not her, I know how much I can fuck up a relationship
I dont think Im a good person but I wouldnt ever want to hurt someone like that again

I am sorry that this horrible world has caused you to have to feel like this. One thing that I noticed is that women usually do better emotionally after a breakup/divorce than men. So you would probably be justified in not feeling quite as guilty about your behavior as you do (you said you would apologize again in your suicide note) because you probably don't realize just how much easier it is for her to move on than it is for you. I know that doesn't solve your problem but hopefully it will lighten that aspect of the burden you are now living with. I hope you can find peace by whichever way you choose.

I dont think she even cared
Theres a part of me that knows she probably never even really loved me, not anywhere near to the extent I still love her to this day at least
If she did it would have been a discussion, right? Instead of just cut and run and pretend it never happened

Yeah, but I know I cant change any of that, in the end Im the reason Im still alone
I dont blame myself for the breakup- we both fucked it up
But I blame myself for my part and its not like Ive gotten any better, Id still make a lot of those mistakes today
I think my level of guilt is justified in that sense

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Lately Ive had this fantasy in the back of my mind, an unrealstic scenario but

Its maybe years down the line
Weve both been in therapy, both gotten better, and somehow we run into eachother
And we start talking again about our experiences
I start apologizing because now I know what she was going through, she apologizes because she didnt mean to hurt me either...
We make up
We try again
Its hard, but we get through it together
And all that shit we said wed do, we finally get the chance to

I still dont know how to stop thinking about it or stop wanting it... being happy feels pointless if its not with her, and I know she hated that part of me
Even if it *did* happen that way it would never work because she never wanted someone obsessed with her like that

If you love someone, let them go
you know I do but I cant figure out how
I feel guilty for still holding on to her when I know she wants nothing to do with me, I feel like a fucking creep, like thinking about her all the time like this is actively making her life worse
and the only way to fix it is to stop existing in the same world as her

not like it wouldnt solve all my other problems, too

 

[eternapeace]

I relate so much to you, down to the being afraid of even being with her (the supposed "best case") because of feeling like such a shit person and feeling like a creep. Used to be a Christian too as a kid/teenager but then I realized with all the misery in the world there's no benevolent god (even if a god exists, how could I genuinely love them?). I'm 14 years now deprived of her presence and when I'm told "move on/move forward" I know there's only one way to do that. Nobody understands why I'm obsessed. They don't understand that it was never a choice. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with. It just happens.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Used to be a Christian too as a kid/teenager but then I realized with all the misery in the world there's no benevolent god (even if a god exists, how could I genuinely love them?).

Thats been my stance for a long time
A benevolent god doesnt put people through absolute devastation- something *they* supposedly created- and then punish them for not worshipping them... and if a god like that does exist, its not one I would be praising regardless

I'm 14 years now deprived of her presence and when I'm told "move on/move forward" I know there's only one way to do that. Nobody understands why I'm obsessed. They don't understand that it was never a choice. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with. It just happens.

Im only coming up on the 4th year but Im not sure I even want to make it that far, youre a stronger one than me

But yeah
If I thought I could Id have already moved on by now- Ive tried a lot, it just doesnt work
I dont *like* being so obsessed with someone Ill never have the chance to love again, its awful and painful
I wish people understood that
It really isnt a choice and they can never seem to grasp that

 

[piger]

I feel ya, i'm pretty much in your shoes. I just want her back. I loved her more than anything, yet she will never truly know that. People tell me to "get over her" and that she's a POS, and I want to kill them for it. In my heart I don't want to move on even though I know that I have to to keep living, and I can't move on.

 

[fairy_slime]

Me too

I was in a situationship with my ex for 3 years after we initially dated and broke up. He kept telling me he was dating others etc so I knew it'd come to an end. I ended up absolutely demolishing what we had really bad, I hurt him, even after trying to cut ties civilly quite a few times, but it turned out he was right holding on and I shouldve too. I should've enjoyed my time with him until we found other people. He brought colour and joy into my life, he valued me in a way no one else does. I was lucky and fucked up real bad. I will never forgive myself. I feel at peace CTB knowing I got to experience the good times with him, and knowing it's over forever.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I feel ya, i'm pretty much in your shoes. I just want her back. I loved her more than anything, yet she will never truly know that. People tell me to "get over her" and that she's a POS, and I want to kill them for it. In my heart I don't want to move on even though I know that I have to to keep living, and I can't move on.

Thats how I always felt when my friends insulted my ex... but in my attempt to get over her, I know I said some equally shitty things about her
And I get it, they were trying to protect me
She hurt me more than almost anyone else in my life, and I dont mean because of the break-up or anything that followed, she did some genuinely shitty things to me
Still
I never would have given up on her no matter how much she hurt me, I would have stuck with her and worked through every single thing
I just guess she didnt feel like doing the same
Its her right but it still hurts

Me too

I was in a situationship with my ex for 3 years after we initially dated and broke up. He kept telling me he was dating others etc so I knew it'd come to an end. I ended up absolutely demolishing what we had really bad, I hurt him, even after trying to cut ties civilly quite a few times, but it turned out he was right holding on and I shouldve too. I should've enjoyed my time with him until we found other people. He brought colour and joy into my life, he valued me in a way no one else does. I was lucky and fucked up real bad. I will never forgive myself. I feel at peace CTB knowing I got to experience the good times with him, and knowing it's over forever.

Color and joy are probably the best ways to describe that feeling, reminds me of that episode of Power Puff Girls where all the colors get taken away
She was the one that brought them back, and they left with her

Yeah
The fact I dont ever feel like Im going to experience happy moments like that again are pretty high up there in reasons I want to CTB... all the happiest moments of my life are back there with her
And even if theres better times I think theyd be sullied just by the sheer fact that she isnt here to experience them with me
I think I relate a lot there

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I had a breakup trigger a life collapse… I feel you. The will to live vanishes leaving ruins…. Could find someone better but don't have the energy …