Venting I Wish No One Cared About Me

[GrievingPhantom]

The one thing that holds me back every time I think about CTB is the people I would be hurting. What would I even say to them? Would I leave a note or just let them wake up to the horrific news? I have a core belief that I would be better off dead and should never have been born, yet I am forced to continue this existence because I just can't bare to think about what my friends and family would have to go through. The pain only grows worse because I don't allow myself to consider CTB, despite it being the only thing my mind circles back to more often than not. If I were to allow myself to actually consider going through with it I think I wouldn't be as suicidal, like when Brian admits having the gun as a way out gives him peace of mind in that one Family Guy episode... But I don't even get that peace of mind, since I am too 'good' of a person to do that to my family despite believing to the core of my being that I'm rotten and don't deserve to draw breath. No matter how good of a person I try to be to compensate for that belief it won't ever go away and people won't know when I need them most because I never allow them to, then I get angry at them for not being there when I need them most. "I'm going to k*** myself" has become my catchphrase now whenever I am going through stress despite not allowing myself to consider how or when I would ever CTB. If I was truly not cared about in this world like I feel deep down I could have gone through with it already, but because there are people I would be hurting I don't even allow myself the luxury of considering it which just makes the ideation grow stronger and the suffering inescapable. It's like I know it's always an option but not one I allow myself to make, lately I have been fantasizing about taking my toaster for a swim, but all I think about is the horror of discovering my body. I think it's not even that I don't want to be cared about but that I don't feel cared about despite knowing people do. I blame my parents for bringing me into existence, because now despite being cursed with their disgusting traits I won't allow myself to take myself out. I know I am being extremely vague at this point but I don't think I can elaborate further, and I know this paragraph is a bit of a mess but I am just frustrated right now. I feel like the people in this world are so fake and I've spent all my life trying to care about anyone but myself and this goes so deep that even when I consider CTB I think about THEM rather than my own pain and suffering. Where do I begin and others end? I've spent so long trying to care for everyone else it's like torture to spend a full day with myself, and I end up self isolating first chance I get to soak in this feeling... everything about my life is a walking contradiction. I feel like an oxymoron living in a paradoxical circus.

 

[LOPARDA]

I'm in a similar situation. As someone who not only is ready to die, but is hoping that death comes a lot sooner, I understand how you're feeling. Like you, I have people that will be very hurt by my death.

 

[Goth_tt_B]

I can heavilyy relate to this all. I did attempt when I was younger and man do I wish it worked out. I'm barely in my mid 20s and time just seems to add more shit to make you feel obligated to stay. Most recently my mother who's still in her 40s told me how she and her husband need to get their wills and such together. That out of my siblings, I'm the only one she's trusts to take care of everything after her death. I have several older siblings and two younger..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can really relate. I have people (although mainly just one person) who cares about me but, not exactly for me- if that makes sense? They live hundreds of miles away. It's not like either of us could do that much practically for the other- even if we wanted to.

I obviously feel awful for those who have no one but I think they may not consider that- just because our deaths may affect others deeply, it doesn't mean we were all that supported by them. It's effectively like having a prison guard or, being connected to another life you realise you could ruin, rather than a caring friend who will help you through.

I think it is difficult when it's parents we're hanging on for too. (I'm holding on for my Dad.) Because, like you say- it's their 'fault' we are here to begin with. I feel so much resentment really. That in itself makes it hard to maintain an honest, loving relationship.

Sometimes I toy with just doing it. How much is there really to miss? A couple of phone calls a week and a short stay with them. It does feel too much that I have to live and work pretty much every day to provide them with that.

Really though, I think some of it is an idea of us maybe. Maybe who we were or, represent. I sometimes wonder- if they truly considered the reality of who we are now and how we experience life. How could anyone even want that for someone they claim to love?