I wish it was easier to CTB

[locustsabound]

I wish it was easier to CTB and not have to constantly be researching ways of how to do it effectively and with ease of access. I tried OD before and survived and that was 10 years ago, I still want to die and now I have a fucked up esophagus. I wish I could just buy a gun and go to a random forest and do it. But i live in a place where its hard to get guns. Every time I have a plan I have researched and then things come up that I had not considered. I'm currently thinking about drowning with weighted items cause it seems the most plausible so far.

I've come to terms that catching the bus won't be painless and since I already live a life full of pain I am no longer concerned about it being painless. I just want it to be effective with minimal risk of fucking it up and surviving. I just want it all to stop.

 

[scary]

It's awful how hard it is, people say you're a coward for doing it but I'd say the opposite. If it wasn't difficult this site wouldn't really be a thing. I OD'd too and have a fucked up stomach now. The body can be too resilient at times. Before I joined there were things about certain methods that I would've never learned or realized until after coming here.

As for drowning good luck, just make sure they're good quality weights that are heavy enough to pull you down fast enough so that your SI doesn't kick in. Your lungs will still burn either way and it'll be uncomfortable and painful but as you said you're not concerned about that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand as all I want is to be gone, I just wish to be free from this terrible, torturous existence that is just suffering all for the sake of it, I see so much cruelty in how painless, guaranteed ways to cease existing are made inaccessible, I always suffer so much from being trapped up this existence where I cannot just have the option to never exist again with no more pain and no more suffering, I hope you find peace.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

Don't beat yourself up. You're going against two incredibly tough adversaries in this battle. First, obviously, being the internal programming within the human brain. But always keep in mind that the SI is powerful, but now invincible. It can be pushed past. The second being the ego. We all underestimate this part. What stayed my hand for many years from doing it was all the egotistical b.s. I always imagined. The pain. What my body would look like upon discovery. Painless methods (there are none.) What other people said and thought. Being loved and "remembered." All the stuff that shouldn't matter, especially to someone who wants to die.

When I started mastering detachment, pushing past the SI seems very likely in my next attempt. And I couldn't care less about the other stuff. I have no loved ones, and this life holds nothing that I want. Therefore, it'll be easier for me to do it.

Now, having access to the resources to do it... that's another topic altogether. I guess that's a good thing about living in the U.S. I have a firearm. I'd be depressed as hell if I lived somewhere that restricted or outlawed them. I don't know what I'd do. In that, I can definitely sympathize with a lot of people.

 

[BradGuy123]

I joined this site to research an easy way to CTB if I ever had to do it. I was sad to find that there is no easy painless foolproof way to go. I'm sorry for what brought you here and for what you're going through. I hope things can get better for you.