exhaustedanonymous
everything that lives is gone to waste
- Nov 14, 2022
- 135
theres just something seriously wrong with me. theres nothing i can do about it at this point, it's just.. it. any attempts i make at trying to get help or opening up to other people? it just makes me feel like shit. i wanted to be a new years suicide and i skipped that date even though i really wanted too for this girl, only for her to leave me two weeks later. im really fucking stupid for not just.. dying when i felt like i was ready too. now every day is agony and i wouldn't have to be here for so extra long just to suffer. i hate myself and i just want this shit over. only thing keeping me from doing some risky ass method like drinking to hell and laying down on the subway tracks is because sn is coming to me soon.
everyone around me is always frustrated with me that im not trying hard enough, or tell me that everything is going to be okay and i just have to be patient.
the girl who left me might come back and she told a mutual friend she was planning on coming back but honestly? she shouldn't have too. we both know i was the reason she was unhappy so often. i tried so, so fucking hard. i bought her all the cute things i could find and i read psychology books trying to help both of us and communicate what i felt and comprehend what she told me to the best ability i could and it just wasn't enough. if i was enough, if i wasnt so much, i could save myself. im not dead yet. i know i could do it if i was just the right amount. but i cant change the fact that my cup has always been overflowing since my birth and thats just the way itll always have to be with me
i could be patient and wait through tears and increasingly worse episodes, slowly loosing my hobbies and my passions and my body until im a walking corpse for my moonlight to come back to me but i think by the time she wants to talk to me i'll be gone either way. at least this way it's by my terms. we don't see eachother regularly and she might not even realize im gone until it's a long since past event that barely matters, and when she finds out she'll be surrounded by her new friends and new life that she knew i could never fit correctly in even though i tried with everything i ever had or could have to make myself right. to make myself worth it. she might even laugh. she'll know that it was for the best. maybe she'll miss me a little but im not the hard times and the struggle and the wild course of my fucked up emotions. im not worth it to her or to me so it's just..
..that's just it. i'm not worth the struggle to myself. i can't wait for sn. i have everything else i need and everything will finally just be okay when my eyes shut for the last time.
i miss her but missing her wont save me, either. nothing could.
everyone around me is always frustrated with me that im not trying hard enough, or tell me that everything is going to be okay and i just have to be patient.
the girl who left me might come back and she told a mutual friend she was planning on coming back but honestly? she shouldn't have too. we both know i was the reason she was unhappy so often. i tried so, so fucking hard. i bought her all the cute things i could find and i read psychology books trying to help both of us and communicate what i felt and comprehend what she told me to the best ability i could and it just wasn't enough. if i was enough, if i wasnt so much, i could save myself. im not dead yet. i know i could do it if i was just the right amount. but i cant change the fact that my cup has always been overflowing since my birth and thats just the way itll always have to be with me
i could be patient and wait through tears and increasingly worse episodes, slowly loosing my hobbies and my passions and my body until im a walking corpse for my moonlight to come back to me but i think by the time she wants to talk to me i'll be gone either way. at least this way it's by my terms. we don't see eachother regularly and she might not even realize im gone until it's a long since past event that barely matters, and when she finds out she'll be surrounded by her new friends and new life that she knew i could never fit correctly in even though i tried with everything i ever had or could have to make myself right. to make myself worth it. she might even laugh. she'll know that it was for the best. maybe she'll miss me a little but im not the hard times and the struggle and the wild course of my fucked up emotions. im not worth it to her or to me so it's just..
..that's just it. i'm not worth the struggle to myself. i can't wait for sn. i have everything else i need and everything will finally just be okay when my eyes shut for the last time.
i miss her but missing her wont save me, either. nothing could.
