Venting I wish I was more suicidal

[fatassrat]

I don't have that much hope for the future. I feel like for my entire life I just moving though life with the hope that I become something that would make others happy but now i'm starting to realize how worthless all of this is. I can either become a lonely faux male with a career, a lonely faux male with no life, or a lonely girl that most of my family will judge because the world hates trans people existing and I will probably end up looking like an idiot anyway (looking too "obvious"). I feel like the only logical choice would be to kill myself with something like SN but I never actually act out on anything and I hate it. I wish I can get the courage to actually buy SN and whatever else I need and take it. Sadly, I have no idea where to actually get SN and I am too afraid of death to do anything anyway even if I had the SN. I am basically living off of fear and I hate it. Just the thought of now knowing what it's like to be dead scares me away. I thought about maybe trying to force myself to believe in some sort of afterlife but that honestly doesn't feel right and I will always have it on the back of my mind that it's probably not true. Idk I wish I was depressed enough to not care about death anymore and just do it. I still have a bit of unwanted false hope that I just want to go away. :-(
It's not like the current state of the world is making anything better either. Everyday I hear of the US government stripping away my rights and increasing control. I feel ike it's only a matter of time when they start building trans concentration camps so i'm probably going to die anyway. I would rather die on my own terms wherever I choose than in a gas chamber.

 

[a4001]

Same. I do wish I'd be fully able to just make the decision already or do anything other than lose myself in complacency, but I can't do anything anymore.

If you don't really believe in an afterlife has the idea of nonexistence seem like something that could be interesting? What was before you were born will be again, and that's not something that the human brain is capable of understanding. Maybe that makes whatever decision you wish for easier, it does to me partly as I think that's the best possible outcome.

Absolutely not saying that this is in any way what you should believe I don't even 100%. I've given up on understanding. I hope you find hope in some manner. Much love.