N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,000
Yeah maybe a smarter wish in my situation would be: "I want the brain of a neurotypical" If I had to choose I would take the life of a neurotypical. But there is always this allure for me to be exceptionally smart. I think this stems from my time as a teenager/child. Many people insulted and bullied me. They treated me like trash and told me I can't even speak my native language properly etc.. (I have made a lot of mistakes in the past.) Nowadays I receive a lot of compliments how well I speak German and how articulate I sound. I try to learn more and more technical terms. This is like a hobby for me. Lol.
I think I value education a lot. I try to learn everyday. If I could I probably would never stop studying. I have done that till I collapsed twice but another reason for that was my mania. I think I try to convince people that I was smarter than I really am. My intelligence gives me my last remaining self-esteem. My therapist thinks I was very smart and thought I might have the imposter syndrome. I think I am good in some parts of academia. I can perfectly interpret poems in very short time after I read them. I impressed a lot of people with that ability. I can make very witty jokes and I am quite glibly. Though I am such a loser in math. I always was only mediocre in that. I am quite thoughtful but this is not really part of intelligence I think. I am not sure about that.
And I overestimate my intelligence way too much. In contrast to many people I just spend all my free time in learning new things. I almost don't do anything else. When I have conversations with other people I always try to impress them but most of my knowledge is only learned by rote. This is really pathetic. On the other hand one could say I just do the best with what God (as if this motherfucker existed...) gave me. Intelligence has an hereditary component component. And compared to my family (the Neanderthals) I really make the best with the cards I have been dealt. Why I insult them? Because they abused me over a decade and screwed my brain.
I am always scared that other people notice that I am an idiot. Yeah this really fits the imposter syndrome.
I think I value education a lot. I try to learn everyday. If I could I probably would never stop studying. I have done that till I collapsed twice but another reason for that was my mania. I think I try to convince people that I was smarter than I really am. My intelligence gives me my last remaining self-esteem. My therapist thinks I was very smart and thought I might have the imposter syndrome. I think I am good in some parts of academia. I can perfectly interpret poems in very short time after I read them. I impressed a lot of people with that ability. I can make very witty jokes and I am quite glibly. Though I am such a loser in math. I always was only mediocre in that. I am quite thoughtful but this is not really part of intelligence I think. I am not sure about that.
And I overestimate my intelligence way too much. In contrast to many people I just spend all my free time in learning new things. I almost don't do anything else. When I have conversations with other people I always try to impress them but most of my knowledge is only learned by rote. This is really pathetic. On the other hand one could say I just do the best with what God (as if this motherfucker existed...) gave me. Intelligence has an hereditary component component. And compared to my family (the Neanderthals) I really make the best with the cards I have been dealt. Why I insult them? Because they abused me over a decade and screwed my brain.
I am always scared that other people notice that I am an idiot. Yeah this really fits the imposter syndrome.