When I'm not in school or doing homework, my life consists of scrolling down a feed, watching videos on Youtube or sometimes playing video games. I do have hobbies but I don't dedicate as much time to them as I used to, and so much of my life is lived through a screen. Even when I'm at the gym I spend so much time staring at my phone. I'm so lonely. I have no friends. Nobody to hang out with. I feel like it's permanent. I make an effort to talk to my classmates but no matter what I do it's obvious I'll never be anybody's first choice. And for someone who spends so much time online, it's funny how dead my phone actually is. I receive zero notifications, I have nothing worthwhile to post on my IG account, no photos of me on my camera roll, the only phone numbers on my phone are that of my family members. I want to stick around for a few years to see if it ever gets better, but at the way my life is going, I think it would better if I just kill myself now. I can't imagine being 30, 40, 50, 60+ and having had no meaningful memories. Just endlessly staring at a screen waiting... I think there's no solution. I already sleep 8+ hours a day, I go to the gym, go outside way more than I did before, try and socialize with others, but the basic advice people give on the Internet and that I've applied simply doesn't help. I'm still as lonely as before. Maybe if I had money I could mitigate that feeling since I'd have more options to distract myself but that's dumb too. I feel stuck...
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,163
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I know that it is awful being stuck in a life that is so miserable. I understand that loneliness can be painful for many people. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
Superdeterminist
Enlightened
- Apr 5, 2020
- 1,877
Some people think it's ridiculous to suggest suicide as a solution. But how ridiculous is it, when all the other suggestions aren't working? They think it cannot be true, that there HAS to be another way. What if there isn't? What if there is, but it takes so much sacrifice and pain that it isn't worth it?
There are many things that no amount or kind of meds and talk therapy can fix.
Four of my classmates actually sent me a voice message wishing me a happy birthday a few days ago (one of them was born on the same day as me too). I don't know how to say this without coming off as ungrateful but while it made me really happy when I saw that, I just couldn't stop thinking about how it doesn't change how lonely I feel. In class when we have group work nobody ever approaches me first and I have to do all the legwork, even in subjects I'm really good at. Everyone has their friend, someone to talk to, they have fun, and I have no one. It's always so embarrassing for me. It makes me want to disappear. Maybe suicide is an option :(. My hobbies clearly aren't enough. Maybe I don't have friends because I've been bullied before (had photos and videos taken of me without my consent, was subjected to racist bullying, I've been followed around, had death threats made against me...) and I find it hard to connect with others, but I find talking to people easier when it's online.
Superdeterminist
Enlightened
- Apr 5, 2020
- 1,877
For real though. Everyone makes the suggestion to "take the initiative" and I can understand that because hey, if you want something to happen, best way to do that is light that first spark. But you also need feedback, positive reinforcement. If you are having to start everything, then it's like you aren't valued at all and people are just feeding off of you, not appreciating you. It needs to be two-way.
I 'put myself out there' every day. I greet people when I see them and ask how their day is going, I start conversations with others, I give (genuine) compliments like when I notice someone is dressed really well... and yeah... it seems pointless. It's like I'm just some sidekick or NPC in people's lives and not a fully-fledged human being. Some people straight up only talk to me when they need something. Maybe I'm ugly? Or am I not in the right environment? No idea. But you're right..
Superdeterminist
Enlightened
- Apr 5, 2020
- 1,877
I have similar kinds of conversations in my mind as well. But always at the end of it all I realise I have gotten nowhere with the mental dialogue, everyone else is just as clueless, making their guesses about the situation, and it's just a huge hassle dealing with all of this. So why can't I just cut all this BS and be done with this annoying existence? If it went smoothly I would be happy to stick around.
I always hope I'll find someone who understands me but somehow these people only exist on the Internet. I guess when I won't be able to take it anymore I'll just kill myself because it's not possible to live life alone/lonely. We always need people no matter what. I don't even want a romantic relationship I just want friends to talk to and hang out with but apparently that's too much to ask
.
Pain In The Ass
Wizard
- Feb 10, 2022
- 638
do you have any ambitions? anything you'd love to do and are good at, and could get even better at, but confidence in your ability stops you? like-minded people usually make the best friends - opposites attract is bullshit!
I know I'm good at drawing and I do it every day, sometimes for hours and while that's completely unrealistic I wish I'd be an acclaimed artist. I also like playing music but I'm not very good since I only started 1~2 years ago. But I mainly want to have adventures or something. I've never been to a place outside my region (a region is somewhat the equivalent to a US state in my country, it's not exactly the same but think of it that way) nor have I been to a concert (one of my favorite bands will perform on April 1st in a location close to where I live yet I cannot see them), I've never been to a museum ffs, even though they're free to visit for citizens under a certain age in my country. I'm just there. Alive but not actually living. I'm so sad about this. If I could fix my lack of travel/see the world outside of my shitty hometown and have friends I'd be much happier than I am right now...
Cosmic dust
Among the stars
- Feb 28, 2022
- 151
I am like a older version of you and unfortunately, I can't give you any advice because I never managed to change it much.
I am turning 29 now and I have no meaningful memories, never went in adventures, never had people that considered me important or the first option, never people who would put effort to talk to me and get close. I look behind and I remember mostly time spent either working or alone playing games and watching movies. I have money, but it doesn't really help.
I am turning 29 now and I have no meaningful memories, never went in adventures, never had people that considered me important or the first option, never people who would put effort to talk to me and get close. I look behind and I remember mostly time spent either working or alone playing games and watching movies. I have money, but it doesn't really help.
Pain In The Ass
Wizard
- Feb 10, 2022
- 638
Well, wishing to be an acclaimed artist likely isn't something even acclaimed artists set out to do - they just loved doing their art and it just so happened that people liked it, but they would still be drawing and painting whether they had success or not - it's like rock stars or anything like that, they likely just loved playing and writing music, and it just so happened they were good at it and people liked their songs, and after some years playing in shitty, grimy pubs and clubs twice a weekend for peanuts, things happened and they got big, but they'd still be doing it even without the success, because they love it. If you genuinely love drawing and you know you're good at it, and you know you could get even better at it with classes and lots of practise, keep going with it, reach your full potential, same with the music. You could set a goal such as, sell a piece of art online, sell a piece of art in a small high-street gallery, get a piece of music on a site where people buy music for their Youtube videos, and just see how far you can take it. And you could use your ability to draw to branch out into other things, get good at creating things in Photoshop or After-effects or whatever software they use now. The possibilities are vast with the internet the way it is now. New possibilities arise as you keep moving forward, learning more and expanding your horizons. And then you may meet like-minded people who become friends. This guy is a good example - he obviously has an artistic ability and seems to have learned to use animation software enough to create crude animations + a dark sense of humour, and he has 85,000,000 views so far on Youtube! There are many different ways you could use your artistic gifts, without necessarily becoming an acclaimed artist, but who knows how good you could get in 10 years with classes and practice. The more you expand your horizons, the more potential for going off on adventures there will be.
Last edited:
Hehe I know that youtuber his videos are funny, some of the little characters in his videos aren't exactly his drawings (they're called Wojaks I think) but his creativity and dark humor are really a plus. I guess I just want to make great art and hope that people like it enough. Or maybe I just want some recognition so I can feel valued for once. I've been drawing for years and started taking it more seriously when I was 12 when I decided I wanted to be a concept artist for a certain video game company (my goal has changed, but my passion is still there). Thank you a lot for the inspiring words I'll keep them in mind
Money can't buy true desire from others. It can't buy love. But at the very least I hope that when I get a job, my salary will allow me to visit places I would've never thought of seeing before. I think even if I'm still lonely it would be better than staying at home almost all the time
Last edited:
Pain In The Ass
Wizard
- Feb 10, 2022
- 638
That's it, he's not that artistically talented, or an expert with the animation software, but 85,000,000 people have seen and likely enjoyed his work - can't be a bad thing if he enjoys doing it and is making some $$$ out of it somehow!
I suffer with similar issues with feeling valued. Lying on a bed for 2 years in pain has made me realize something - the only recognition that will ever make you feel truly valued is the recognition of your value when you look in the mirror and feel proud of who you see, the decisions you've made and the effort you've put in each and every day. Valuing recognition from others is literally giving other people the power to decide whether you are of value or not. The destructive, resentful, humanity-hating, pessimists on here will scoff at that, but if you still have hope and you aren't damaged beyond repair, it's true. I saw an interview with Matt Damon where he said he went home with his little Oscar statue when he was 25, and he sat there that evening looking at it, expecting to feel different, but didn't, and then he realized that this 'acclaim' wasn't what was going to make him happy.
Last edited:
I understand what you mean when you say 'the only recognition that will ever make you feel truly valued is the recognition of your value when you look in the mirror and feel proud of who you see' but as someone who's never had friends, never had people actually rooting for me, never had support (besides from this forum) I just want to know how it feels to have someone or several people who care about me. This just reminds me of that horrible saying that goes "Nobody can love you unless you can love yourself". Self esteem is significantly influenced by the relationships you have with others (at least when you're young and haven't achieved much) and someone who's respected by their peers will do way better than someone who is not. That's what I've noticed at least...
It's very painful to not be accepted by your peers and be sociable.
One thing that stood out is when you said you'll never be anybody's first choice- but if you start getting connections with people and yuo are their fifth choice or their tenth choice or their twentieth choice this is a good start- do give up on people if you don't start out as their first choice- just try to keep the connection and build on it and iwth some people you'll move up the list. WIth practice and learning this can get better, and eventually you can be someone's first choice. I just wouldn't give up because it doesn't start out his way. :)
But there's only so many times you can tolerate being the third, seventh, twentieth wheel until you realize maybe this potential friendship you're trying to start isn't going to work. Especially when you see others make friends so quickly :(
Pain In The Ass
Wizard
- Feb 10, 2022
- 638
I understand what you're saying. I have had shockingly low self-esteem my whole life, and the desperate desire to impress others that usually accompanies that - having unrealistic, grandiose ambitions that you believe will make everyone finally value you are, apparently, quite common in people with low-esteem. I knew someone years ago who was so bad with this that literally everything that came out of his mouth was a fabrication designed to make you think he's an impressive person, because he thought so little of himself. I've had to spend hours differentiating in my mind between the positive reasons I genuinely love making music, even if no one else ever heard it, and what part of it I do because I think it will make people value me more if I achieved success in some way, because I realized the two were intertwined and needed to be separated.
I suppose your situation is what it is; until you make friends with some like-minded people who genuinely want you to feel good about yourself, you will have to find a way to be your own cheerleader, and always make time to give yourself credit for all the good decisions you make every day. Treat yourself exactly how you'd treat a son or daughter who you would want to grow up to have high self-esteem, and say anything to yourself that you would never say to them.
Last edited:
ClownMe
Don't Cry for Me, I'm Already Dead
- Apr 7, 2021
- 20,561
I feel you, I pretty much live my life through my phone nowadays because of how miserable I am.
One way you could make friends and also continue your passion for playing music at the same time is by playing in a band. You could post ads for like minded people at your ability level and get together and jam. Eventually, perhaps you guys could start playing gigs and this would lead to even more opportunities to meet others. I hope it works out for you.
