Help I wish I didn’t have any self compassion or a survival instinct. Tried partial hanging

[-autisticSunflower]

Tried partial hanging again and it still just resulted in my head pounding again. I'm so scared to do it but I feel like life is hell. I'm just getting prescribed a diazepam which the thought of is just making me worse because it isn't helping me with my practical problems. Being autistic at work is horrible and I have had so much shit from so many people at work I think I am getting mobbed. I feel so scared and unsafe and I feel my work wants me to kill myself as well. I hate life so much. My meltdowns are increasing because of how trapped I feel as well. Because I feel no control over anything anymore I feel like a child as well.

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're suffering don't let other people get you down, it's not worth it I know what you mean that you don't feel like you have any control anymore, I'm sorry

 

[Worndown]

Full is a better option if partial continues to fail.
Do you have anyone to discuss these stresses with? That may help.

 

[socrates]

The diazepam might just help. It can help you deal with the more practical problems by turning down the mental health problems. I know the feeling of not being in control and it sucks, I hope things get better for you.

 

[-autisticSunflower]

I'm sorry you're suffering don't let other people get you down, it's not worth it I know what you mean that you don't feel like you have any control anymore, I'm sorry

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you also feel it too.

 

[jodes2]

I'm surprised diazepam isn't helping you. It's helpful for when I can get it. It must really suck. I hope you don't kill yourself because of work, that would be sad

 

[-autisticSunflower]

Full is a better option if partial continues to fail.
Do you have anyone to discuss these stresses with? That may help.

I almost tried full previously. Had the rope and everything, went to the woods and just couldn't bring myself to do it. I then ended up handing rope over to the police when weeks later got a welfare check due to erratic crying for help behaviours. I reckon I would fully choose to live providing my main problems were rid of but at the same time I feel it's too late. So I think that's why I feel truly stuck and wanting to not live, though I've been feeling that way since a young child. I feel I'm cursed and would probably need to be seriously under the influence of substances to complete suicide. I have been in contact with my union regarding my workplace because I feel it's giving me further ptsd symptoms. Unfortunately I love my job, just not the workplace culture

The diazepam might just help. It can help you deal with the more practical problems by turning down the mental health problems. I know the feeling of not being in control and it sucks, I hope things get better for you.

Thank you for the kind words. People on here have been so kind to me. You're right, it does help, it's just so frustrating and scary to know I'll have to feel everything again when it wears off. I'm sorry you also know the feeling of not having any control, and hope things get better for you too

I'm surprised diazepam isn't helping you. It's helpful for when I can get it. It must really suck. I hope you don't kill yourself because of work, that would be sad

Thank you. I suppose it is helpful for that short while but in my mind I know it's not a long term solution and I will still need to return to facing the reality of being a square peg

 

[FuneralCry]

I really envy those who succeed with hanging, to me it sounds like such a difficult and horrible method and it makes it sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people managing to succeed. But I certainly understand that it's awful and tiring feeling trapped in a life that is just constant suffering that you wish to free yourself from. It certainly is such a cruel existence where we are forced here without choice and yet it's so hard to finally be free from this world. We all deserve the option of a peaceful and reliable exit without having to struggle so much in trying to leave this world. I wish you the best.

 

[-autisticSunflower]

I really envy those who succeed with hanging, to me it sounds like such a difficult and horrible method and it makes it sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people managing to succeed. But I certainly understand that it's awful and tiring feeling trapped in a life that is just constant suffering that you wish to free yourself from. It certainly is such a cruel existence where we are forced here without choice and yet it's so hard to finally be free from this world. We all deserve the option of a peaceful and reliable exit without having to struggle so much in trying to leave this world. I wish you the best.

Absolutely. I feel sad that we are all in this position to begin with. I feel I am being driven to it. Like the helpline will just tell my mum to hide my medications so I don't overdose. Now while I probably would overdose, I know the overdose would unlikely (not guaranteed though depending on the medication and individual) kill me and just give me a lengthy sleep. So now I can only get hold of my dose specific as required medications which due to my levels of meltdowns, pissing myself uncontrollably and vomiting and begging to die, the reality is 2mg of that medication hasn't done anything and won't do anything. I feel like these meltdowns are going to give me a heart attack or stroke. My mum has told me that when she felt my head when I was just calming down, my head felt like it' was rumbling. I'm in shock about the lack of community support out of hours. And it's the same within hours actually if you don't already have service involvement. The world is slowly crushing me to death.