I Wish I Didn't Have a Conscience

[etherealgoddess]

I resonate with Lucy from the Fallout series to a T. I have been in my own world. I love to live by the rules. I sometimes break them, but in the end, I always want the best for others. I LOVE helping people. It genuinely makes me so happy to help others. In an ideal world, I could help everyone and just not need anything in return because it feels that good. But I realize that this Lucy mentality does not work on the surface. But I find myself fighting this philanthropic side because I see firsthand how detrimental it is to my well-being.

For context, Lucy lives in an underground bunker. The people who live in the underground bunker are the most intelligent people of humankind so that humanity can still keep running. The people of the bunker where Lucy lives are very civilized. People are emotionally regulated. Everyone is looking out for each other and has healthy communication. They follow the Golden Rule. Morality is very strongly upheld there. I honestly resonate a lot with the bunker rules. I would fit in easily lol. I would love it there. But then Lucy goes to the surface. The Fallout surface is completely damaged into a radioactive wasteland. It's barbaric to a whole other level. Murder is commonplace. It's honestly like animals but just humans. Lucy brings her wholesome, kind spirit from the bunker up to the surface, and she almost dies a million times because she was giving the benefit of the doubt, being kind, and playing by the rules. She only survived because she has a partner who doesn't play by the rules and can protect her because of that. She acknowledges the aggression, but she puts herself in harm's way by always trying to see the best in people. She wants to maintain her moral compass, but her character makes me cringe so much because it reminds so much of myself and how I put myself in so many situations where I am destined to lose because I just want to be kind and help others.

I really wish I didn't have a guilty conscience. I want to be a good person so badly, but I know that being a good person is NOT rewarded on earth at all unless you become like the smallest version of yourself. I am someone who is extremely ambitious. But I deeply desire to be a good person and be ambitious at the same time. But I see that when I do play by the rules, I get burnt very badly. Sadly, ambition and being a good person is really contadictory on earth. I see it firsthand with myself and my family.

Here are some examples. I have always been a victim of jealousy. But I always wanted to see the good in people. Even though I'd see people who were really weird to me (Obsessed with me and giving the warning signs of jealousy), I didn't want to hurt them because they hadn't done anything YET. But then those same people would go off and ruin my reputation. They would get close to me to gain credibility for rumors and then go off and destroy me with rumors. The Lucy me is the version of me who just gives everyone the benefit of the doubt but puts herself in harm's way. It's the version of me that wants to connect and be wholesome. It's the version of me that wants to frolic in the fields and pick daisies. But the realistic survival me who understands the rules of earth would have easily seen that she is a brutal competitor, and even if there is a 10% chance she is innocent, I would have destroyed her reputation first and got her socially eliminated before she'd ever have the chance to eliminate me. But I have never done this because it makes a wedge in my heart to hurt others when there's a 10% chance that I'm actually dealing with an innocent and am misinterpreting the situation. But then I have to deal with the pain of being socially hurt all the time because I basically just allow myself to starve in the survival world. I find myself in so many situations where I overgive and get nothing back. I don't think about myself enough because I really want the world to be better. But it's overwhelming because I've become a good person to just realize that it doesn't even fit on planet earth. And it's overwhelming. Although I love being philanthropy-centered, the other feeling that overwhelms is the feeling of: YOU ARE CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE EVIL PEOPLE. Evil people are fed by the nice people, and then the evil people step on the same kind people. And it's like... Why am I working so hard to be a good person when I am technically going to be in a major deficit where I give more than I receive? But at the same time, I still hate being a bad person if it means I have to survive.

I'm just venting. But it could be cool to have a discussion.

 

[Defatigatis]

It's clear from the way you speak that you're a very enlightened person; it's a shame that your kindness and depth aren't truly rewarded by this cursed planet.

That's what happens here; the vast majority of members of this forum, from what I observe, are exactly like that—mostly kind, gentle, empathetic, and sympathetic people who want a better world, but instead they're faced with a backward, selfish, and individualistic society compared to their own standards and inner qualities.

Still, never diminish who you are, beside that, we can only lament.. for you, for me, for us, all of us.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

There's a thing that's been going around for a while, sometimes attributed to Mother Teresa, but based on a poem by Kent M. Keith:
"The Paradoxical Commandments
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway."
.
The versions attributed to Mother Teresa usually have a closer at the end:

Spoiler: God stuff

"You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

I'm very codependent in my relationships, in life generally, and it's easy to get cynical and angry, or blame myself, when my 'forgiving nature' leads to more abuse, neglect or simple disrespect. My choice at that point, if I have the clarity to see it, is to change myself, or move on. The state of the world now confirms the ongoing struggle of those who take, and those who get took, but, at least in my opinion, it doesn't mean you can't, or shouldn't, continue to help people, or to LOVE helping people. Just change your target: help the helpers, not the hurters; the taken, not the takers.
...
Or you can let Lucy follow Metallica's advice and just Ki ll'e mAll.
There are days when I want to let Metallica take over, but SaSu is helping me to let Paul McCartney win:
Live & Let Die