Help I wish I didn't exist, I wish I had something else instead of my life.

[sosicklywrong]

I'm a woman, I'm 23 years old and I have screwed up my own life and there's no way out.
I have asperger and developed BPD since I was 12, so I'm medicated with antipsychotics since that age.
I have been bullied all my childhood and teenage years. I don't have friends since I was 17 years old because most of them did terrible things to me.
The worst year of my life was 2018, I attempted to end my life for the first time and I lost all my friends because of a manipulative girl.
Later years I started dating and no boyfriend would last more than a month with me, they all left me, and everyone would say I was a "whore" just because I dated these many people.
the worst part is I'm a viral girl on Internet, there are pictures of me naked, and I'm constantly being stalked in fucked up ways.
I studied to be an Arts Teacher, I'm about to finish the career, but a stalker is constantly ruining my life by entering facebook groups and pages of my local city and sending stuff about me.
I honestly know it is all my fault... but the only reason I keep moving on is my boyfriend, because after him I'm totally alone in this world. But he's always in doubt about leaving me.
He feels hurt because the stalkers interfere in our lifes constantly and I always answer them instead of ignoring because I think deep inside me it's a way of self destructive behavior.
I'm inconsiderate, I'm stupid, I'm a horrible monster to my loved ones.

Everyone would feel relief if i didn't exist.

 

[fromange]

I don't "have is as bad" as you do, but I feel the same.

 

[Benjiii]

What disgusting human beings. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you can finish your degree and make a living doing what you love, since you're close to achieving it. Have you considered deleting all your social media accounts? I'm a little happier since I did, because I was constantly comparing myself to others, and maybe it will help you avoid all kinds of harassment. I don't think you're a monster or stupid, but rather that you were a victim of your circumstances and difficulties, unfortunately. Try to lean on your closest and most trusted people, like your boyfriend, who should be the one who understands you. I'm sending you a hug and I hope you can keep going.

 

[4colliez]

I have a very similar experience as you, down to the stalking. A lot of people have preconceived notions about BPD but often people who have it are easy targets for shitty and abusive people. It's sooo easy to get taken advantage of and people will try their best to when they realise it

It's not your fault at all that you encountered shitty people in your life who still try to hurt you. I used to also reply to a stalker because of self destructiveness. The only thing that helped me was delete all my social media accounts for a while and since then I've only made a new one on like two apps. It was hard but it helped and there's been no contact in over a year. Just know it's not your fault and you have someone who loves you despite it all

 

[mabudachi]

Everyone would feel relief if i didn't exist.

This hit me hard. I know the feeling you are talking about. That's not you talking though. That's your trauma trying to gaslight you.

Everyone would feel relief if you were free of these abusive jerks and able to shine as the beautiful human you know you are inside and out.